“I Want to Die”

want to die

One guy I worked closely with in the Internet boom killed himself about a year ago. His father had died recently and he was very close to his father.

My friend had a heart condition plus various cancers that kept coming back. He had been fired from AOL in some sort of scandal, and the company we had worked together at back in 1999 had gone bankrupt. He was overweight, had no girlfriend, had a speech impediment, and he was constantly sweating due to his various illnesses.

I was talking about him at a dinner with friends.

We were all saying what a great guy he was. Because he truly was a great guy.

When you go through so much sorrow you know that it makes no sense to be mean or cruel to the people around you. Finally, though, it occurred to all of my friends that I was the only one at the table who didn’t know he was dead. “Wait a sec,” said one of the people at dinner, “you don’t know?”

“Know what?”

And the table went silent. Nobody wanted to say.

An awful secret had been served at the table and I was the only one not feasting on the dish.

Instead someone gave me a URL and I went to it later and it was a tribute page to my friend.

I’ve had 100 breakfasts with the guy and I didn’t know and it made me wonder what his last thoughts were.

The last time I heard from him he had sent me a random email in 2005 that said, “James! Is this email address really for you?” And, true to my form, I never responded.

I meant to respond. But I put it off. Then never did.

A few years ago Dan was telling me about a friend of his who worked at Goldman Sachs. They grew up together in the banking business.

Dan said, “He was addicted to prostitutes. Almost every night. He was a good looking guy, made great money, stayed in shape, and every night would go for an escort service.”

“If he was a good looking guy why couldn’t he just meet a girl or many girls, like in a bar, or wherever?” I said.

Dan said, “I asked him that. He said, ‘it’s the same thing. You take the girl out to two or three dinners, you wine and dine. And maybe then you have sex with her. But then she doesn’t leave. This way, for $500 I can have sex with some of the most beautiful girls on the planet and then that’s it, move on to the next one.’”

“But then he would miss the emotional stuff.”

“He didn’t care about that. He just wanted to have sex with a different beautiful woman every night.”

Dan said, “But after his last bonus, he left the city and moved to California. I don’t know what he’s doing now. I think he’s doing nothing, just living off that last bonus.”

I was trying to figure out how big his bonus was that he could just live off of it forever like that.

The other day Dan told me, “Remember that friend of mine I told you about that was always going out with the prostitutes”


“Well, John J called me and gave me the update. He hung himself.”

Nobody wants to die. But its hard to go from wanting to die to suddenly being cheered up.

If you say, “I want to die” and everyone else says, “Oh, cheer up, there’s so much to live for” that’s sometimes a hard thing to hear. It’s not like you’re going to suddenly say, “You know what? You are totally right. I’m cheered up now!”

Try this instead. Just think a little deeper. When you get that feeling ask yourself, “What is it inside of me that really wants to die?”

Do you really want your heart to stop beating? I hardly ever think of the mechanics of my heart. Why would I suddenly want it to stop beating? I don’t even know what side of my chest my heart is on.

So what do you really want to die?

The times when I’ve thought it, what I really wanted (when I think about it in retrospect):

  • I wanted death to the horrible feeling that so-and-so didn’t return my affections the way I wanted her to (maybe she didn’t call back, was with another guy, didn’t respond to emails, didn’t tell me she loved me, etc)
  • I wanted death to the fear that put itself right in my gut that I was going to go broke. A constant fear that has recurred again and again in my life.
  • I wanted death to the fear that I was going to lose my house. Or death to the pain I felt upon losing a house. That pain sitting in my head and stomach which buried me underneath so many failures one after the other that I thought I could never climb out of the coffin / grave they buried me in.
  •  I wanted the death of the utter sorrow I felt when my dad died.
  • I wanted death to the fear the IRS was going to put me in jail (unfounded, but who knew?)
  • I wanted the death of the ongoing anticipation of whether or not I was going to sell a company before it went out of business.
  • I wanted the death of the horrible feeling in my stomach when a stock I owned a lot of was moving against me and I had clients that depended on me.
  •  I wanted death to the sadness that my kids, who I love, would grow up not knowing me in the way I originally thought they would know me (because divorce changes the way, forever, you interact with your kids)
  • I wanted the death of the feeling of inadequacy I felt upon losing a chess tournament or money at a poker session or not getting a 
  • I wanted the death of the anger I felt towards family members who I felt had horribly wronged me. Or the obsession that place in your head when you are dealing with crappy people. I would want the death of that obsession.

And on and on. So many different times I’ve thought it – “I want to die.”

Sometimes I meant it, sometimes I didn’t.

But when I look back on it, never did I really want my heart to stop beating.  I just wanted the death of these various emotions that were hurting me not just emotionally but physically.

I wanted the death of my lack of control over a world that is furious, and chaotic and beautiful and messy.

And all of those things did die eventually. How small they are in the rear view mirror. And a little bit of me died with each one of them.

But I’m still alive.

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  • Ccity123

    thank you.

  • Beautiful post.

  • Wonderful post. Seen some bad stuff over the years, but you are right just wanted those horrors and fears to die, not me.

  • This reminds me so much of when I was locked up in a mental institution. Sitting there alone in that pink room trying to figure out why I felt so awful. 

    In my case it turned out I wasn’t depressed. I was just really fucking sick of letting a man hit me. So I left. And the fear I was living with died. 

    I think this article is probably more effective than antidepressants, which I was on when I decided I wanted to die. 

  • Olav K

    Thanks mate.

    • Lise


      Those, who want to die at their own hands, feel “boxed in” and see no way out.

      Some die without attempting to manipulate others but some do.

      Life throws us some good times and bad times, and it is up to us to learn how
      to handle those times. No one escapes the hard times if one lives long enough.

      We all have sad stories to tell, and some of them are horrible.

      The question to ask is this:

      How does it serve you to stay in misery?

      Examine the benefits of choosing to stay in misery.

      Thank you!


      • Olav K

        Nono. I’m all fine. It just gave me a nice read. One of the best written texts I have seen in a loooong time!

        • Helen Westover

          I have found that reading (thoughts OUT of the depressive loop) has helped me a great deal (it’s even called “bibliotherapy”).  The best one I found was “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankle.  He talks about his experience in the death camps, and noticed that there were two groups of people – the first lived (or if not, retained their humanity) because they were focused on a task, a mission, a relationship, outside of themselves.  The second didn’t – and they tended to give up and die. It’s a bit more complicated than that, so this is why I strongly suggest the book.

          • Helen Westover

            The point is that our thinking drives our feelings.  That is the basis for RET.  Changing our thinking (a LONG, arduous process, but well worth it) will eventually change how we feel.
            I found that, down in the dumps, exercise was the LAST think I could do.  I couldn’t move, it hurt too much.  But as you come up, it goes a long way towards preventing a relapse.  Again, one is then taking in different stimuli.  For those of us close to the rabbit hole, prevention is key.

  • Steve84

    I have a 12 year old boy that has some of the same issues your AOL guy did, including a speech impediment, various illnesses, social problems. He sometimes talks about death and the peace of death. He has had years of professional counseling. The consensus is he is not depressed. I don’t think he is. But I am surprised about how he sometimes suggests death as a solution to some of his problems, in a matter of fact manner, not emotionally. Your insights may help me with him. For privacy reasons I am posting this using a fake e-mail address.

  • alyce

    Either those “things that I really want to die” are extraordinarily universal or you’re living in my head. (even the IRS fear. WHY won’t I call them and get it over with???) Thank you for a post that warrants pondering and a second and third and fourth reading.

  • Alien

    Great post, as always.  On the second thought, though….

  • I guess everyone feels this way at some point, in some capacity, although it never feels like that at the time.  I’ve struggled with eating disorders and it makes you feel like that, like you want to die.  But really you just want the feeling that you are so inadequate, that you’re not in control, to die.  And maybe the loneliness that thinking you want to die creates.

  • Sean

    Great post James.  This post, and your honesty in general, really resonates with me.  No one else openly talks about the things that you do, like the times in our lives when we feel like literally giving up……Anyways,  I am definitely going through one of the toughest times in my life right now and I know that I don’t actually want to die, but it doesn’t keep me from feeling that way sometimes (probably too often). 
     I’m 25, graduated from a “good school” and everything , but now that I’m out of college (have been for a couple years now actually), I just feel so fucking lost.  I have no idea what to do. I see a bunch of my friends moving on with their lives, “making the transition into the real world”, becoming cops or 9-5 cubicle slaves and just none of it appeals to me.  None of it.    I feel like Good Will Hunting, all I see is every negative thing 10 miles down the road. I just have no idea where I fit in this so called “real world”……  And to top it all off, I have been battling social anxiety issues since high school, and even though I was able to “get by” in high school and college despite my anxiety , it’s pretty obvious to me at this point that “getting by” in college and “getting by” in the real world are two different things.   I tried teaching but that obviously isn’t a good match for someone with anxiety.  It was wishful thinking out of me that I could become a teacher in the first place. Starting my own business definitely appeals to me, and I think I am smart enough to do so, but once again can someone with social anxiety issues really deal with all the things that go into starting a business?  I don’t know.  Probably wishful thinking again……I am making an appointment this week to speak with a doctor about my anxiety issues (I have tried in the past and only been prescribed anti-depressants, which do nothing for anxiety), but I was hoping you (or anyone) could give me some advice about what to do.  I am not asking you to tell me how to live my life, but just maybe some pointers on how you found what you wanted to do with your life……. or how to make it in the real world without selling your time at a soul-sucking job (and yes, I have read “why you need to quit your job, 100 rules for an entrepreneur, and all that).  Anyway, thanks for the article, thanks for letting me vent, and if you could get back to me, I would appreciate it more than you could possibly know.


    • Jill

      Hey, Sean
      Next time go to a psychologist– you can get a referral from your state psychological association.  Or an MSW would be fine too.  Get someone who specializes in anxiety disorders.   Go to a psychotherapist who is not an M.D. and thus can not prescribe medication– so they will have to know about something other than just pills for you.  

    • Jill

      Here are some good books to look through and look at the summaries and reviews of them and such and see if you think any of them would be helpful to you.  Then buy them or get them from the library.  They are about selecting the right career for yourself.


    • guest

      I too dealt with anxiety issues around the same age as you (about 12 years ago).
      Here is a book I would highly recommend: “The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook.”  It has some great stuff in there, and is active in its format for learning more about your potential causes of anxiety and dealing with them (after all, it’s a workbook).  It’s good to talk about it too, which you’re doing…  that always seemed to help me.  You’ll realize it’s much more common than you would have thought that people go through it… and it can get better.  Even that is reassuring – every thinks, “What’s wrong with ME?” when in reality it likely happens to many of us at some point or another.   Another small piece of advice that was given to me was the HALT technique, which was to watch for being 1) Hungry, 2) Angry, 3) Lonely or 4) Tired… as those can be triggers for anxiety.  I added an S on the end (HALTS), for “Shower and Shave,” because sometimes a shower and shave seemed to help.   For me, the hungry one definitely made a difference though, as snacking and keeping the blood sugar levels more consistent throughout the day really seemed to help.  And avoiding too much caffeine (or better probably to just cut it out entirely, and sleep if you’re tired).

      At any rate, hope the book recommendation helps.

      • Sean

        Thanks for the response.  Ya I’ve actually read a few books about social anxiety and anxiety in general (I hit up Barnes and Noble fairly often) and I’ve found that they do help, in the sense, that you realize that you’re not alone in this and other people suffer from the same things as you, BUT they really don’t have any long-lasting effects, you know?  At least not for me……Also, you are definitely right about the caffeine aspect.  Coffee jacks up my anxiety like crazy, so I try and stay away from it.

        • Jill

          The reason that even the best book might not help is because it doesn’t see you as an individual and help you to work out a plan for dealing with exactly what triggers your own particular anxieties, within the context of your own particular life.  Only a live person, preferably a psychotherapist with lots of training and a specialization in anxiety disorders, would do that.

          It may be worth trying medications for anxiety, if you can get them prescribed, but it’s not a foregone conclusion that  they would help.  Some of them function like a pill form of alcohol and might be similar to staying drunk all the time, which you could do on your own without a doctor, if you chose to.  

          • Sean

            Haha, ya I’m not sure “staying drunk all the time” is an option when it comes to working.  But honestly if alcohol in pill form is what enables me to function at work and in social settings, then I would rather be an addicted functional member of society, than someone who more or less can’t work, or needs alcohol to function……. I hear you about the psychotherapist though, I am going to ask my primary doctor to send me to someone who has experience dealing with patients with social anxiety.

          • Anonymous

            I don’t know anything about pills, but I can’t see how that is a real solution.  The crux of the problem is that you’ve been around negative people who never let your self esteem develop properly.

            I’ve had the same.  In my experience, a sport or martial art helps tremendously.  It develops your body, gets you around people your age, is competitive like us animals are meant to be.

            IMO running is more a social activity.  I love long runs with good friends but it’s horrible by yourself.

            If you are interested in martial arts I’d suggest checking out Brazilian Jiujitsu.  Lots of people your age and generally good people.

          • integratebitbybit

            sometimes it’s staying on meds long term is the best choice over temporarily using them. Some of us just have chemical imbalances and need that help. A decade or so of good therapy, learning mindfulness meditation, and nearly 8 years using alternative meds like amino acids, vit. D, homeopathic remedies, B vitamins, and fish oil (high doses of DHA/EPA) did not help me *nearly* as much as going on the right meds. I was totally against medication, and now I say it changed my life.

            Sean, find a good therapist, and a good psychiatrist with experience treating anxiety. There are new meds coming out each year. Yes, exercise moderately, yes get out and socialize at the edge of your comfort zone –say something to the person in line at the checkout counter. Or look for a local hobby class that you are interested in. But also consider meds because they could be exactly what you need. Lexapro is one that is specifically formulated for anxiety and depression, with mild side effects. Good luck to you and know that you are not alone.

        • Jill

          Not that I’m suggesting you do that.  The point is the addiction risks are there both with alcohol and with anxiety meds– even if you initially don’t plan to abuse them, once you feel as if you can’t function without them.  

          Many folks have various inter-related problems, and you might be surprised at what is actually underneath your anxiety and what you might be able to do about it– without every having to rely on addictive subsctances, which could lead to more problems, not less.

        • Moshkosh

          First of all you need to realize that there is nothing wrong with YOU! 
          Stay away from the drugs.
          All those people that you think are pulling away from you…..pffffft! 
          They have just as many problems or more than you do, so forget them.

          You sound like me a few years ago.  Then I realized that I am an introvert and all that it means to be an introvert changed my life.  It made my whole life make sense.
          When you know why you do what you do , say what you say and what drives your BEHAVIOR, you can step outside of yourself and recognize it as it is happening and mentally challenge the behavior that you do not want to experience at that time, thereby overcoming it.
          We live in an extroverted world and we introverts have a very difficult time, especially if we don’t even know that we are introverted.
          Crowds of people totally exhaust me.
          Small talk and socializing is my death.
          Being interrupted when I am in deep thought(which is all the time when I am alone) makes me absolutely blow my top.
          These are just a few things that I have learned of myself that has helped a great deal.

          Introverts’ batteries get recharged by being alone and finding solitude.  Being around people will drain my batteries quicker than shit through a goose.  It is exhausting, but now I know why I am not a people person and it is easily managed.

          There is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.  You just need to shift your energies around in a way that compliments who you are, NOT hide your true self with drugs!!!!!!!

          happy to talk to you if you would like to discuss


          • Sean

            Ya but I’m really not an introvert.  To some extent I am, but I enjoy hanging around my friends.  I never want to stay in on a Friday or Saturday.  I do hate meaningless small talk with people that I don’t really want to be talking to, but I don’t think that necessarily makes me an introvert.  Like when I have nice buzz going, I feel like that gives me a glimpse into the person I really am.  I want to be around people, but I’m just not comfortable around people really, unless I have been drinking.  If anti-anxiety meds make me comfortable, then fuck it, why not?

    • Heather Henrichs

      I am not a doctor, but I have been in a similar spot. Anxiety is a huge issue that can be completely crippling. I think it is great that you are going to talk with a doctor. Anti-Anxiety meds are a great stepping stone, but just don’t ever rely on them… Use them to help recognize the triggers. We all get anxiety, it just depends on when we lose control of our thoughts. I started teaching English in South Korea 2 and a half years ago. While others are struggling at home, I am paying off my loans and living comfortably. It does not require a lot of deep commitment, you don’t need a teaching degree (TOEFL Certification and FBI check are required) and you meet people that are similar to you in a lot of ways. Interested in not living the daily grind, interested in living and exploring. You don’t need to speak Korea, don’t need to know grammar, just need to speak English in front of a group of kids, 20-30 hours a week. If it appeals to you let me know.

      • Sean

        Heather, anti-anxiety meds is exactly what I think I need.  Apparently Klonopin/ Xanax have similar effects to alcohol since they are both depressants….. and alcohol definitely slows my brain down and allows me to function in social situations. The problem is that doctors are hesitant to prescribe them because people do abuse them and get addicted to them.   But honestly I’m at the point, where I think I’d be better off being dependent on an anti-anxiety drug than in the shape I am now……. As far as the teaching goes, I just don’t know if it’s a good fit for someone with anxiety problems.  Maybe down the road.  Sounds like a sweet gig though.

        • Heather Henrichs

          I understand. I hope that you are able to convince them it is the right choice for you. I wish you lots of calm and rational thoughts. 

        • Anonymous

          Sean, there are wonderful flower essences, homeopathics, and supplements that really help with this.  If you read through the Bach Remedies booklet in a health food store, you will have an “ah ha” moment and be amazed to find one or more essences that specifically resonate with you.  Find someone in the store who’s really knowledgeable to help you.  Do give it a try.

    • Wattsy

      Sean, you would be amazed how many people are struggling with the same issues you are. I dealt with it by: antidepressants (yes, there are specific ones that help with anxiety), counselling (you have to find a good counsellor, keep trying new ones until you find one that you feel is helping) and meditation (I know meditation sounds weird, but what I focus on in the meditation is ‘mindfulness’. That is, living in the moment. Not worrying about the future or the past or things that may never happen. Again, not all meditation teachers are the same so keep perservering until you find one that resonates.) It can seem insurmountable but don’t give up. The results are worth it when you come out the other side.

      • Sean

        Wattsy, any recommendation on a specific anti-depressant for anxiety?  I’ve been prescribed a few, because I think the doctors just don’t really give a shit and it’s a quick fix in their mind, and they all did absolutely nothing for me.  I am happy they worked for you but I really think anti- anxiety meds are the way to go for me.  

        • One medication for anxiety besides SSRIs and benzodiazepines is propranolol. It’s in a class of medications called beta-blockers. Propranolol reduces activity of the sympathetic nervous system. It can be used to reduce symptoms of anxiety like tremors and rapid heartbeat. People with anxiety get it prescribed to deal with situations like speeches and job interviews. Make sure you don’t have low blood pressure or asthma, since beta-blockers can aggravate those conditions.

    • Michael

      Agree with the suggestion to see a psychologist. It is hard to find a good one. Someone in my family had a serious alcohol abuse problem and once they found the RIGHT psychologist monumental changes were made in a short time and they completely changed their life around in a few months once a couple key issues were worked out with a couple of people – almost magical.

      The only other suggestion is to find an exercise you can do and hopefully enjoy that takes you to exhaustion. The benefits are incalculable and will replace the drugs you think you need.

      Good luck!

      • Sean

        Well that definitely gives me some hope to hear that the guy turned around his problem that quickly.  It’s funny, I think a lot of people more or less self-medicate their social anxiety with booze.   I look around at my friends and family members (Irish-Catholic family from Boston) who drink a lot and wonder if they’re dealing with the same shit as I am, but don’t speak up either ……. As far as exercise goes, I more or less force myself to run…..and it helps to an extent.  But it’s no cure.  Maybe a few hours of lessened anxiety, but no permanent lasting changes.

        • Michael

          You are absolutely right that exercise does not cure, but just like a drug it gives temporary relief. If used in that manner and with that understanding it provides a wonderful respite the same as a drug without the side effects and other issues associated with being medicated.

    • Sean, you seem very sincere so I will be very sincere with you.

      I have battled anxiety (social, hypochondria, agoraphobia) for over 5 years, until I completely crumbled in Feb this year. It came to a point where I had nothing anymore to live for. I started working from home and isolated myself. Eventually I realized I needed help big time and from the right people. This is key, you need the right people around you. Cut out all the negative bullshit, cut out negative people and start changing your life. Get into exercise and surround yourself with supportive people. Adopt an attitude of living in the moment, in the present and learn to accept the past and accept everything your body is feeling. Anxiety can be crippling if you fight with it, if you let yourself EXPERIENCE the full experience of anxiety and panic attacks they will lessen with time, be patient. Expose yourself to being uncomfortable, if you are not uncomfortable then you are not learning, believe me. You want to be uncomfortable, just observe your feelings/emotions but do not react to them, just allow them to be there as if you are doing exposure therapy to your own feelings/thoughts. Adopt an attitude of “flowing” and “accepting life” some of my favorite phrases are “whatever happens, happens”, “its not that serious” and “when you walk, just walk. when you talk, just talk. when you eat, just eat. when you sleep, just sleep.” this forces you to not think about the past and not live in the future..this is where all anxiety lies.

      Secondly, get professional help. I started going to The Center for Cognitive Behavior Psychotherapy in NYC (http://www.cognitivebehavioralcenter.com/center.html) and I got REAL help. Please give them a call, they are professionals and they will teach you everything I am telling you and more AND if you are not in NYC you can do Skype sessions. Believe me, this will change your life tremendously for the better. Do yourself a favor and get real help.

      Thirdly, don’t worry about your friends. Jealousy is a wasted emotion, don’t waste your energy. Your friends maybe moving on, but they also maybe stuck in a life on auto-pilot and if they ever wake up, they will wake up to the same pit you are in and will have to start all over. You have a lead on them, anxious people tend to be creative and driven. I too do not like 9-5 slavery, however forget about all that. When you start living life the world opens up to you, when you stop worrying and start going through with what YOU want to do regardless of how anxious you feel, the world becomes bigger and more welcoming. Then you will find your calling and you will know what you want to do with yourself and you will be more oriented. So don’t worry about anything else, live your life and don’t block yourself.

      If you need more advice or want to talk more about my experiences and just in general about what you can do, feel free to contact me    stanroze AT gmail  or find me on facebook through the link in my name of this comment.

      Best of luck to you.

      • Sean

        To Stan and everyone else that has replied, I very much appreciate your interest and help……. Stan, I can tell just by the way that you”re talking that you’ve experienced what I am going through.  
             You wrote: “”Eventually I realized I needed help big time and from the right people. This is key, you need the right people around you. Cut out all the negative bullshit, cut out negative people and start changing your life. Get into exercise and surround yourself with supportive people””…… When I saw these words I almost couldn’t believe it because I’ve been in the process of doing this for the last 6 months or so on my own.  I was living with my father for the first couple years out of college and moved out one day last summer and haven’t talked to him since because he is the fucking King of negativity.  Like my family members (brothers, mother, aunts) more or less beg me to call him (“he is your father after all” blah blah blah), but I just feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that he is not a part of my life. It sucks and isn’t the way that I would’ve drawn it up, but that’s the way it is. I’ve more or less come to the realization that there are two types of people in the world 1) those that you make you feel good when you’re around them, and 2) those that bring you down…..and I’ve begun trying to cut out all the negative people in my life, including some of my friends too, which is also tough because my group of friends basically hang out in one big group and there are some that I still want to hang out with, but others that I don’t .  I’ve also started running 3 or 4 days a week even though I kind of hate running  (Love the feeling I get after I run, hate the actual process, so that’s a bit of a struggle).  Now I guess all that is left is to get help from a doctor, which is scary in and of itself.  I’ve read up on CBT and would definitely be willing to give it a shot, but the problem that I’ve run into the last couple times I tried to get help were the fucking doctors.  They tell you to get exercise (not bad advice) and swallow some anti-depressants and go on your merry way.  Hopefully this time my doctor will understand that the severity of the situation and try some different treatment options.

        Once again, thanks for the responses everyone.

        PS- I kinda feel bad for hijacking the comment section here, that wasn’t my intention initially, but I do think you guys are helping me out.  THANKS.

        • Stan

          Sean. i didnt see your reply until today, so hopefully you will find this message.

          I just want to follow up with what you have said. first of all, yes I have been there…i’ve been in the deepest pits of where you think you are.

          i too started running a few months ago, it helped me get myself back to a somewhat normal level, enough to get confidence to get therapy. i hate running, but i needed it to release stress. running produces endorphins similar to anti-depressant except they are healthy since they come from within your body. there are clinical studies that show that running or any other aerobic exercise for that matter can act just as well if not better than some anti-depressants. medication is usually needed for severe cases or for cases in which you need that extra push to do therapy. so continue running, eventually the stress will burn off.

          however, if you continue creating stress with your (thinking, outlook, attitude) then you will need to continuously run or somehow burn off the stress. this is of course not a real solution and this is where therapy comes in. it helps you think differently, have a different outlook and attitude. it takes a very long time, but just like with anything in life…anything thats worth doing is hard. you have to stay patient, if you keep up your new positive attitude, eventually your body will stop produce as much stress hormones and combining that with running you will help maintain a positive stress free life. eventually little things wont bother you anymore and when they do they wont push you over the top and you’ll be able to let go of them quickly and painlessly. so don’t be afraid of therapy. therapy doesn’t mean you’re sick, it just means you need some restructuring and quiet honestly 99% of people need some sort of restructuring and 1% already had it ;)

          trust me.
          good luck.

    • Asdf

      I’m five years older than you, have had social anxiety since adolescence. For years on and off have been avoiding most social contact. The only advice I can give you is to start working on getting better as soon as possible. Depression and loneliness change you, everybody moves on and leaves you behind. It only gets harder with time to dig yourself out of the hole.

    • Elisabeth


      You might consider buspar – http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0000876/

      It is not addictive like klonopin is.

    • Anonymous

      I’m like Sean except a few years older and perhaps further along to solving the puzzle.  At 25 I graduated with an MS degree, right into the recession, and became miserable and unsatisfied with the crappy jobs out there.  Disillusioned and felt like college was all a lie – you think you go through it and there would be a world of opportunities out there.  I didn’t let myself spend money because it was all “blood money” only to quit my job and lose all I saved in stocks.  So in a sense I’m worse off than Sean, with only enough money to scrape by for a year.  I still have no idea what I’m going to do, and how I’m going to make money.  My gf might even be pregnant.

      Despite all my anxieties, I’ve NEVER wanted to die.  How can I die when I haven’t even lived yet?  If anything it makes me take care of myself better and never give up, because one day dying won’t be a choice.  Though I quit and have little money, I also wake up naturally, don’t rely on coffee, eat decently, exercise, no alcohol therapy, and all those things that result from being a cube slave.  And I know a little bit more about myself.

      All I can say to Sean is to keep trying.  Try more things, read more, travel, be patient.  Just don’t sit still.  If you have savings, don’t try to rush to make money.  Explore what you like and what you would be good at.  I thought I was old at 25.  3 years later I’m even older, but I learned that 3 years is an effin’ long time.  Let yourself relax and let things flow to you.  A lot will happen.  Think how different you were as a freshman in college versus when you graduated.  The problem is that we were stuck in institutions our whole lives being told what to do and think, that we never felt like we were living.  So 20 years pass like nothing.  But once you’re out of that, time passes slowly, so don’t worry.  Like when you are on vacation and you’re surprised how many things you did within a week.

      There are things you can do now that are effective right away.  Try the Daily Practice.  Staying in shape will make a huge difference in how you feel – it’s biochemical.

      Though I have my worries, I also enjoy my time living like the college dropout I should have been.  Learning, exploring, trying ventures.  Living more naturally rather than what we’ve been told.  If you give up buying that inflated house, live cheaply, you’d be surprised how little you’d need to be happy.  And, I believe, you’d make more money this way anyway, one day.

      I started a blog that makes fun of jobs and the economy.  Just a few entries and am trying to figure out the direction still.


      • Sean

        Hey man, ya I’m definitely with you on the whole “feeling like college was a lie” thing.  I went to a 35k/ year university (definitely not bragging) and here I am at 25.  The problem with your advice for me is that I’m fucking broke.  I’m living at home still, which is depressing enough.  I would love to travel to Australia or even live out in Cali for a bit with a couple of my friends, but that’s not an option. All I really want out of life right now is to be independent, maybe get a place with a couple friends, I don’t even care about money all that much, as long as I have enough to live on my own and go out with my friends on the weekends, I’m good (the “Knocked Up” existence, if you will).  The only problem with that is that my anxiety keeps me from getting a job like bar tending, or most jobs for that matter.  I’m just fucking stuck.  It sounds to me like we’re in different situations and that your anxiety may not be as severe as mine (obviously I have no idea though)……….Anyways,I appreciate your advice on letting things progress naturally career-wise. Good luck man.

        • Anonymous

          Sean, I have/had the same social anxiety issues as you though I didn’t write that.  True what worries me more today is being independent.  I don’t want to have to move back with my parents.  So we want the same things.

          It’s really good that you figured out who’s getting you down.  It’s exactly the step you need to take.  Being around people who just accept you for who you are helps a lot with your anxiety.  My gf did exactly that for me, and she has a great sense of humor.

          As for jobs, I think you just have to let yourself fail or get embarrassed.  You have to take the first step.  I left jobs too where some social skills would have made my life much better, but who cares.  It’s just a job I didn’t want anyway.  Few of your coworkers actually become your friends anyway.

          Do you have something you are proud of that can give you inner strength?  Did you plays sports?  Being physically fit makes a tremendous difference.

          In the end, we’re still animals.  Just knowing that you are strong, can beat someone up, are good looking, have skills, etc gives you a HUGE confidence booster.

          Try picking up a sport or martial art (not a sissy martial art though).

          It’s like negotiations or poker – it’s that much easier to bluff when you know you can back it up or afford to lose.

    • Sean,

      If you havnt had much luck with pharmaceuticals, I would recommend rhodiola and L-tyrosine. Rhodiola will help relieve your anxiety and it increases serotonin. L tyrosine increases dopamine levels and will help you feel better in general. Theyre both really cheap on amazon. Also, ive seen social anxiety groups before on meetup.com. It might help you to meet people in your same situation.

      I know its cliche..but, “this too shall pass.”

      • Ken Williams

        Adam, rhodiola does NOT increase serotonin. If you can find me a study where that’s true, I’d like to see it. Rhodiola is an adaptogen, which means it gives a non-specific feeling of well-being and relieves stress. But it has no direct effect on neurotransmitters.

        Also, tyrosine is a dopamine precurson, but oddly doesn’t necessarily increase dopamine. Theanine would be a better choice.

        If someone wants to increase serotonin, SAMe or 5-Ht are better natural choices.

      • Ken Williams

        Adam, rhodiola does NOT increase serotonin. If you can find me a study where that’s true, I’d like to see it. Rhodiola is an adaptogen, which means it gives a non-specific feeling of well-being and relieves stress. But it has no direct effect on neurotransmitters.

        Also, tyrosine is a dopamine precurson, but oddly doesn’t necessarily increase dopamine. Theanine would be a better choice.

        If someone wants to increase serotonin, SAMe or 5-Ht are better natural choices.

      • Ken Williams

        Adam, rhodiola does NOT increase serotonin. If you can find me a study where that’s true, I’d like to see it. Rhodiola is an adaptogen, which means it gives a non-specific feeling of well-being and relieves stress. But it has no direct effect on neurotransmitters.

        Also, tyrosine is a dopamine precurson, but oddly doesn’t necessarily increase dopamine. Theanine would be a better choice.

        If someone wants to increase serotonin, SAMe or 5-Ht are better natural choices.

      • Ken Williams

        Adam, rhodiola does NOT increase serotonin. If you can find me a study where that’s true, I’d like to see it. Rhodiola is an adaptogen, which means it gives a non-specific feeling of well-being and relieves stress. But it has no direct effect on neurotransmitters.

        Also, tyrosine is a dopamine precurson, but oddly doesn’t necessarily increase dopamine. Theanine would be a better choice.

        If someone wants to increase serotonin, SAMe or 5-Ht are better natural choices.

    • Enlightened Caveman

      Sean – I suspect your social issues stem from spending a LOT of time online, watching TV, and playing video games as a kid.  Right?  Humans are social animals, and when they short circuit the mind’s need for human interaction in favor of virtual worlds and asynchronous communications, all sorts of bad things happen.

      Check out this video…

      The speaker explains exactly what I’m talking about.  

      I’m making assumptions, so I could be way off.  But if this is you, then you have no choice but to get out there and learn to favor face to face human interactions over all other forms of communication.  If you don’t, you’re doomed to loneliness.

  • Anonymous

    The little bit of you that died with each of those experiences –  created this space within you from which all your wisdom, compassion, insight, and humor can be offered and shared with others.  

    Much love to you and Claudia.  Know how much you are loved and appreciated.

  • Exceptionally smart post. Well done. 

  • Jill

    Great article, James.  There is so much bs on the Net.  But here you are, right where people’s hearts are.  So you write great articles from the heart.  And then lots of people respond from the heart.  About stuff that actually matters to people, rather than a lot of bs.  Best site on the Net!

  • I am recovering from the greatest monetary loss of my life.  Every day the pain subsides just a bit.  I think I can recover.  What else can I do?

  • Venting and Talking, Listening and Responding, that’s what we all need to survive. We just need somebody to stay close to us and let us know that everything is going to be just fine. 
    “We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection.”
    – Dalai Lama 

    • Joan Corby

      I like a hundred times

    • Barb H

      Very astute. Good post

    • Edina

      True. It’s what keeps me going, no matter how down I feel. It’s what keeps me from pulling the plug, so to speak.

  • Cheers, Jimmy !

  • A little bit of you died, and little parts of you grew along with each.  Great post.

  • doug graves

    Nice post James.  Your name is beginning to pop up here and there in my sheltered world.  I think it is a feedback loop.  I selected a “like” but it was the facebook variety choice and I was shocked to get a wack of my facebook friends thank me for the contact.

    I am beginning to detest facebook.  No matter how much I tinker with my privacy settings and vett my friends it seems every time I write something everybody sees it.  I don’t want people to know that much about me.  I see facebook as a kind of counterintelligence tool to put a proper spin on how things are going for me, and to find out if anybody is putting a knife in my back. 

    At least with facebook you never need be embarassed to find out someone has opted out.  By the time you get back from the morticians things are well organised.  Of course, should you choose to write a suicide note on facebook and hang around to find out if anybody comments or “likes” your latest communique, the door is probably getting kicked in by the people who don’t really care about you at all.  They’re likely to be the ones to keep their camera’s charged so they can provide video of you getting wheeled out by the paramedics. 

    Suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness.  It’s one last way to dump on your family and leave them gasping for a decade. 

    • Anonymous

      Suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness.
      When you think Suicide is the only option
      You need to look for other options.

      • Ray

        I wonder how many people have died because of cliches like these that tell the suicidal to suck it up. Giving yourself an ego boost by putting down someone who’s in enough pain that they want to DIE has to be up there in the great list of acts of selfishness.

        • Doc Hawkins

          I should have added this comment to explain so the original statement would not come across as false macho-ism.

          It’s not suck it up it is simply realizing you have worth. Even if you feel worthless even if you screwed up repeatedly you have worth. When you suck air you have worth. When you heart is pumping blood you have potential. If you fail to realize or capitalize (even for selfish reasons or depression) and you wake up tomorrow you have potential and worth.

          I am well versed in the feeling of worthlessness and it’s a lie. From whom or yourself I have no idea. To my knowledge I was the only person who got a Dear John letter in a combat zone and felt “Could you have at least waited til the time people whom I slept 20 feet from was not trying to kill me?”. I knew my screwups numerous and often with more than I’d like to admit selfish motivations.  NOTE: James is a hell of more honest than me.

          More on Dear John: Karma is a bitch and it came back to bite me. I had excuses but no good reason for the fine mess I got us in. (Thanks Stanley and Ollie). The other person had her faults but I am responsible for my part.  When I admitted it I was free or Cheap however you look at it. But the lies to myself stopped.

          Dude I thought about swimming South from Gulf Shores, Al  and see if I could make it to Cuba. I know of a Marine that could but I did not for the reasons below.

          I have witnessed the pain family, friends, coworkers and such of people who have taken their life go through racking themselves with guilt and there is no recourse. Even if they were the persons that my be implicated (right or wrong) the victim denies any chance for the perpetrator to apologize or set things right. 

          I would not have made it and I knew it.

           I make my same mistakes to a high numeral to the 2nd power not twice. (not a low numeral either) (Don’t you hate it when you hear ” I never make a mistake twice”. Love to reply so you make it more than three times”)  If one screws up repeatedly and
          even if that mistake or circumstance causes others pain welcome to the
          club. You have a seat next to me.  If you want the bobblehead prize for the person who screwed up the most you will have to arm wrestle me for it.

          One reason James has such a popular blog is his public brutal honesty rarely seen. He is more public and less ashamed of his screw ups than I’d ever be thus with fascination I read his blogs and books. He’s also a better writer but my Computer programming is better I think.

          As per taking your own livfe Don’t do it. You can provide insites to your mental thinking of why and refute those reasons. The fact you thought about it and still are sucking air is information others can use.

          Tell me I lost 4 Marines who I was their Medical rep in a period of 20 years. I failed to see the signs. Tell me. F#<kin please.

          Give to others. I don't care if you shovel lion shit so kids can say howdy to the lion king or listen  to folks in a nursing home tell how it was in 1933. You do that you really increased more your worth and any celebrity and are a hero in my book. Just let me know. 

          • gonegrlnc

            BS. lots of ppl are not worthy of breath…myself 41

          • tina

            i think i feel the same way as you, if you come up with a better idea then suicide, please let me know because i am running out of reasons and i am soooo self consumed in my own pain i can not add to it by thinking of the pain i mite cause someone else if i went ahead with it

        • julie

          You probably couldn’t even begin to count them.

      • Guest

        That is
        just hurtful on so many levels. I attempted suicide twice in my life (I’m 19
        years old now). The second time when my own mother and sister told me that very
        same thing. Now not only was I worthless…but selfish too??

        You have
        to understand that people who want to die feel that nobody loves them. The last
        thing that they want to do is “burden” others. They believe (or at
        least I did, I’m in no position to speak for others) that their very existence
        is a burden to others.

        I pray
        that this is not what you tell people who want to take their own lives Because
        saying something like this just adds more pain. Please…just don’t say this.
        Help people that want to die. Don’t add to their pain.

        • Doc Hawkins

          Please Read my response above to Ray. No intention to increase pain but I reasons for my opinions. If I agree or disagree I value your opinion and if you are breathing you can give it. I appreciate your post.

          Again James I apologize if I write to many words on your board.

      • guest

        oh yeah you say its selfishness try to think from the viewpoint of the person who is suffering all cruelty of the world, then tell whether to commit suicide is selfishness or not?

    • julie

      Who cares about family…………….

  • Brilliant post. 

    I too, am still alive.  

    • I’m glad about that. 

      • Sooz

        me too,very much so..:))

  • Anonymous

    Weird your friends could not bring themselves to tell you about your friend’s death. They gave you the link to his tribute. I think that speaks volumes of how far removed we are from life/death…considering how previous generations dealt with death.
    Interesting stuff, thanks.

    • Very true. We’re afraid to talk about it. We brag about life all day long. But whisper about death. 

    • Bec

      I agree, Betmo. It reminds me of the old saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ – i think it takes a village, or community to raise a family and in this world we are so disconnected from each other and so distracted by pointless rubbish that we are losing the ability to cope with the really difficult and traumatic experiences in life because we all feel so alone and have largely been raised with an attitude of ‘keeping it to yourself’.
      We are taught to trust governments and other ‘authority figures’ but not each other.

      • Sarah

         That’s so true. Everything seems so contrived and we have to be so phony 40-60 hrs a week for work–how could you not feel alone.  We’re not really connecting-just pretending to.  And the problem is that even if you decide to change–you find yourself in a culture of people who are still stuck in their own worlds so you just wait to meet people who can have real relationships. I decided to change and the solitude is getting to me.

  • jcworth

    James, thanks for your exquisitely honest narrative voice. What you write about, and how you write about it, is so important.  Hard for me to say how much I appreciate who you are and what you have to say.  You are a gem in this pit of dust in which we live.  May you receive much love. 

    • JC, thanks so much. It’s funny because when I was just looking at comments on a recent Huffington Post article I did I saw 600 comments, most of them downright hateful, including some that wished I were dead. But then I saw it had 7000 Facebook likes. Funny how these anonymous online social cues can make me feel better. But one comment like yours makes up for the 600 negative comments on that other article. 

      • 1000zahia

        jcw is right. Yes, you are a gem James. Keep doing what you are doing. 

  • zenpen

    Where the fountains of passion lie deep, the heavenly springs are soon dry. The true men of old Knew no lust for life, No dread of death.
     Their entrance was without gladness, Their exit, yonder, Without resistance. Easy come, easy go.

     They did not forget where from, Nor ask where to, Nor drive grimly forward Fighting their way through life.

     They took life as it came, gladly; Took death as it came, without care; And went away, yonder, yonder!

    –                                   Chuang Tzu

    • That’s the goal. 

    • Propitiousone

      I like this
      Being so attached to the sadness, suicidal fantasies has only caused me more grief.

  • Michael

    Timely post for me since this song has been stuck in my head for 3 days now…….. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N3N1MlvVc4 , but, I digress. I remember in my late teens feeling very depressed and was seeing friends of mine off themselves and being totally screwed up on drugs and alcohol, BUT, I NEVER COULD IMAGINE KILLING MYSELF! Living is such a privilege and somehow that has always been a prime directive for me and no matter how bullied, inferior, or marginalized I have ever felt, killing myself was never an option because it seemed so cowardly in a sense – my brain does not compute it and I am sorry if that offends those on the edge. I am really sorry I cannot understand you folks on the edge at all – not one bit.

    • Love that song. Much better than the Tears for Fears version. 

      Don’t judge those on the edge. There are lots of edges in this world. Life is messy and the Earth is flat. Most of us are just trying not to fall off. 

  • I wanted to die after the loss of my daughter.  I couldn’t handle the pain and sadness or the fear that something else even more horrible would happen to me at some point in the future.  Every day on my drive to work, I would stare at the guardrails along the highway and fantasize about slamming into them.  I would walk along busy streets and think about stepping in front of trucks or of jumping off buildings or being glad that I didn’t own a gun because I’d be putting it in my mouth.  I wanted the endless river of blackness to stop, but I had no faith that it would and the idea of simply dying seemed like the only cure.  Obviously, I didn’t kill myself, but I did die.  I’m not the same person I was before and I don’t think it is for the better.  My family is still intact and my wife and I held it together enough to keep our marriage going and to stick around to raise our other two children.  But, now I’m this guy who believes that life is largely a slog, a slow flowing river of shit, punctuated by moments of joy like little cupcakes that float right into your hands.  Part of me will now always be waiting for the other shoe to drop and all of me is wondering whether I can survive another moment like that.

    No, not dead, but living a different life in which I am stalked by the future and all of its uncertainty.  Not dead, but moving around with the feeling that my entire inside is covered in black ooze, an ooze that periodically releases melancholy into my bloodstream.  Not dead, but infected with a million tiny fears and day-mares about how my surviving children may be harmed or killed.  Not dead, but desperately clutching at the preciously few things that I have any control over at all – my weight, running, how clean the kitchen is – and slowly realizing that I have turned into a secretly weird person (well my wife knows that I’ve gone a bit nuts).  So, is this being alive?  I don’t want to kill myself, but I’m not exactly enjoy this existence anymore either.

    Not looking to spill.  I just wanted to say that sometimes you want to die because not dying is just too fucking hard.

    • S.G.

      I know that black ooze you speak of.  Unfortunately, I have nothing profound to offer you.  All I can offer you is that I understand, that I am kin to you in those feelings.  Here’s hoping we can both be free of our dark passenger one day.

      • Sooz

        Dave and S.G.,
        You have strength beyond belief!!
        To keep your family together is remarkable during such undescribable pain.
        I can’t imagine anything more painful.

        The most important person in my life(beyond my children) had to go through unfathomable loss herself. Her first born baby and my oldest sib..
        She, too, is a pillar of strength and as her youngest child I look to her with the greatest admoration. I can ‘NOT’ imagine my life without my mother.

        Your story touched me so deeply!!

        • Sooz

          don’t die ,void of everything that is living, the way my father did many decades later.

    • Dave, I honestly can’t imagine. I can’t imagine the horror and I’m sorry you had to go through it. There’s no way anyone can say, “there must have been a reason.” There’s no reason and it’s just horrible. 

      The only way I can relate is that after my father had his stroke it took him another 2 or 3 years (I can’t even remember I blocked it out so much) for him to actually die. During that time it never got better for him. It only got worse. People say the world works in cycles (sometimes things are good, sometimes things are bad). But I stopped believing in that. Sometimes things just go from bad to worse, as it did for dad. 

      And whenever I’m depressed about something completely unrelated to my dad (say, the stock market) I find myself more than ever thinking about him and this aspect that sometimes things just get worse and never get better. 

      But, that said, your life is your own to maximize. To take that pain and to turn it into something better and unique that nobody else has. You were a piece of coal before. Then the heat went to 10,000 degrees. Now you’re a diamond inside. What will you do with that hidden wealth? 

      • James, you are right.  But, life is so inimitably cruel and unrelenting.  This is going on more than four years and the deformation from that time period lives on.  I won’t go into all the details of what happened and the months of torture and pointless hope.  But here is the latest example of how it doesn’t matter if we are made of diamonds now, life is still the hardest substance of all.

        Like you and many of your readers, I experienced the earthquake last week.  Only two things in my entire house were damaged – a framed picture of my deceased daughter, one of her in the NICU, and the malachite box that we stored her cremains in.  I’m not shitting you – in my whole, two story colonial with wine glasses, loads of picture frames, weird delicate shit that came from who-knows-where, and a million pieces of crap that my kids play with, all that gets busted are two things memorializing my daughter.  I didn’t even know at first, but figured that something was wrong when my wife was oddly inconsolable all night long.  We don’t talk about it all much anymore because we are sick of being sad and feeling powerless, but then some wacky thing comes along like this and reminds you that things will never be the same.

        • Marion

          Dear Dave, peace be with you my dear. I can’t think of anything else … peace of any sort would be great. Have you read “The Shack”? It might help, it’s just fiction but it helped me understand some things about life.

          • Barb H

            I hated “The Shack.”

        • Anonymous

          Well written post.  My 10 year old son died in October, 2007 and I still want to die, to no longer exist.   I am normal looking and acting on the outside but inside, as you said you are,  I am now weird.    

          It’s a complex thing this grief and about the only comfort I have is that it is all temporary.

          • Dave,Mike,S.G. and other as well; the only thing that remains after such a loss is the love you feel for your child and/or relative.  It’s still in your hearts alive and well.  That love is there for you.

            ( I don’t presume to know anything, but I haven’t stop thinking about your posts, and this is my attempt to help.)


          • rr0

            Hearing about anyone’s loss of parents/kids tears me up. May you find peace.

          • Dylan

            My life is but fading blackness I am 21 years born as a rape child and also was raped as a child and am soon to have a child and I can’t trust anyone and my gf who is carrying me cold says to me repeatedly everyday that I’m nothing and never will be anything and how my child will hate me and I’ll be a terrible father and she is the only person I ever told of my being molested as a kid and she laughed and called me a fag and told me how she didn’t want her kid around me and laughed consistently about me being raped as a child that night I slit my wrist and couldn’t feel any pain I didn’t go threw with it but now I just feel nothing I want to die but I don’t want my kid top love a life like mine I don’t feel anything but emptyness and endless loneliness and I don’t know if I’ll be able to lovemy cold if I don’t even love myself

          • Dylan

            I’m constantly thinking of death and how I would do itor how I want it so bad Ive always hoped for death I’ve always hated being alive because all my life I’ve been dealing with things that just send me through these emotional ringers that just get me sick in spuriousandhatred o of my own self that i just think it’d be better for all that im gone

          • Biiiaaaa tttcchh

            instead of offing yourself, try social suicide. you can’t take this life you have, so leave and just try and see if another one might work. it worked for me. you have just one physical life, but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t be better in some other place, with some other completely different environment and input…

          • Goo Jovi

            Hi Dylan. I do hope things have turned around for you

          • Jennifer

            Dylan, I’m so afraid of saying the wrong thing and causing harm. But I do want you to know that you are not alone. Self love is possible. It is possible because it relies on no one else, only yourself. None of your experiences can get in the way of the respect you can gift yourself with. Start with severing communication with this person who mocks you. This is beyond horrible treatment and is not love, or friendship, or anything but cruel bullying. Please get away from that.
            I see your comment was 3 months ago… I want you to know that you are no worse than anyone else who happened to make it through conception and birth, childhood, youth… Please stop labeling yourself with things that were beyond your control. They are wrongs, but they were beyond the control of your innocent life and childhood. Choose actions & place protective boundaries around yourself as if you were protecting your own child. That is how you care for yourself and love yourself. It will feel strange and selfish at first, but it takes time. Reading the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud was a turning point for me. You have inherent self worth, despite how you have been treated, and you have to start to say “no” to that. A hug for you and a hug for your inner child, who needs your protection and love. Take care of you.

          • Dreianj

            You need to be there for your child. Don’t let the cycle of abuse continue. Satan…I mean your girlfriend doesn’t sound like someone I would trust to raise and nurture a pet rock. You probably dated her because of low self esteem. Get some help, go to a hospital and tell them you want to die. They might help with some counseling and maybe you could get some family counseling as well. That is your child and if you want to give her or him a fighting chance against this cruel world, live for them. For now. Until you can find a way to love yourself and believe in your own (and create) your own mythology.

            To that child, if you are able to be around you and your girlfriend are gods. Try to be a benevolent one. Someone that they can turn to for rationality and comfort when your harpy friend begins to treat them badly. It will be hard, no doubt. Maybe this is why you ended up in this place. To start a new healthy cycle.

            Be the person who you wish was there for you during your trials. It will help take the focus off the past and reorient your energy towards a positive possible future.

            I know I’m not there and I don’t know how hard it is for you. I can’t imagine but I wish this much and more for you.

            May you find the courage, tenacity and strength to accomplish this. If you can, regardless of what else happens you have won in my books.

            Peace and love

        • Adam

          Maybe it’s her way of telling you to let go and let love.   Life is tough; she’s now exempt from that, and the life she did have was full of joy and parents who loved her–not tainted with the vicissitudes of life.  I’m the last of my immediate family who all died young.  So why am I here?  So they don’t have to be.

          • Joan Corby

            Please listen to Adam. We may be wrong, but take her message, however weird, that she wants your life to go on. There are no gaurantes that any of us will live another day, so live for this moment. For all you know, there may be a hearafter with more chances for joy. Her one sorrow now could be your sorrow and she wants you to let her go.

        • Of course, there is absolutely nothing I can do to relate or to offer any advice. Many people who experience such things don’t have the patience to hear from a person who attempts to show them some religious experience that supposedly alleviates the pain.

          There is no such thing. What there is, however, is the hope that the world will be put to rights. I’ve met people who have had the terrible experience of losing a daughter and a wife at the same time. Life is hard as hell.

          This hope I speak of is found in a small, quiet room of the massive edifice we call Christianity. Its outer structure was built largely by man, made to look beautiful to the world. The inner portion is comprised of many rooms, some large, some small, that all do something to keep the building running. Many of the offices within the structure have disputes. 

          But, beyond all that, there is a room that few people visit, yet the entire building was built based upon this room. Within that room is a truth so profound, yet so veiled and hidden by the grand edifice that surrounds it, that many people cannot see it or simply ignore it. 

          As you walk in you will find a story. This is a story of an entire race who, throughout their entire existence, experienced all forms of tragedy that is common to man. 

          Those people often asked, “When will things be put to rights? When will see the day that death is no more?”

          The answer to that question is found in the closet of that room. Although the room is often unsolicited, those who come in rarely open the closet. 
          In that closet you will find a man who made claims about himself many regarded as lunacy. Yet, in his actions he proved his claim to be true. Some may dismiss this as pointless to contemplate, seeing as how we live in the 21st century and cannot possibly know what took place long ago with this man.Yet, we have evidence that what he did actually happened. That evidence can largely be seen by the edifice that was build in that legacy. Sure, it is over sized and often times has misapplied purpose, but the center of that building, the small and quiet room, is the purpose of it all. This man, upon dying at the hand of Roman soldiers, was buried in a tomb. Yet, on the third day rose from the dead. Again, many would question the validity of such a story, however, the evidence is overwhelming. The Church exists and cannot have begun unless this miraculous event took place. That is besides the point. What matters is the fact that He has risen and in that event, He is telling us something much more profound than simple lines of rules or membership in some religion. What he is telling us is that, as promised to the Israelite’s (of which I’m sure you are familiar), he has officially inaugurated the promise that the world WILL indeed be put to rights. He himself has defeated death and in doing so offers that promise to us. In believing in him and swearing allegiance to his kingdom (people understood this language in those days)…they have effectively sealed their hope to rise again as well. Not only that, but they have also opened their soul to be healed NOW in THIS world, if only they will allow it. The choice is everybody’s. But many will not choose to make it. Take from it what you will. Much Love,

          Daniel M. 

        • Molatte

          That’s a sign Dave.. Wake up! Just because the host is gone.. Doesn’t mean the soul no longer exists . That was a positive sign. You need to move froward. Wow! What are you doing with her ashes in the house? Spread them somewhere beautiful and let them go…

        • Linda

          I hope you can find time to listen to Joe Biden’s speech to family members of deceased military members of their families.  Losing his wife and 1 year old daughter in a car wreck, and almost losing both his boys too, I think you might find something for your heart in his words.  I am so sorry for the hell you have been put through on this earth. 

        • rr0

          Life is still the hardest substance of all – love that line. so true.

        • Barb H

          I am sure you want to scream and think how could this happen…the 2 things that I would have wanted to remain unscathed. I agree with Adam it may be her way of telling you that she is okay and she wants you to live and be there for your other kids. She does not want to see you hurting so much because of her. She loves you and wants you to have peace. Losing a child has to be the most grief anyone can experience. I am so sorry.

      • Gzaletel

        Nicely put (about the diamond). I feel better already.

      • Greenfreckles

        I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. When my dad was dying in the hospital no one contacted me to tell me. He had been dying for months.
        I did not like my dad, he was cruel when I was young, some would say abusive.
        My brother contacted me once because my dad asked him to and my dad was going to buy him a home in San Diego . My brother told me this when he contacted me. Years later my dad got sick with Parkinson’s and whiled he was fading away I never got a chance to have closure. I was informed of my dads death through my brother and sisters attorney over a month after he died.
        I didn’t think his death would affect me. But it did. I wish I had closure.my family is money driven. They didn’t want me in the picture because they would have to split the money. Before he died they liquidated his assests , at least what they could find, property, stocks … Some they over looked..
        The will that was left with only a couple million was not the original . The worst part is I never cared about his money.. If I did I would have been hanging just like them… All I wanted is my dad to say he was sorry.

        • Greenfreckles80

          I forgot my point.. Oh yeah… You punish yourself for something you can’t control. I punish myself for something I could have controlled .
          You still have your family and people that love you. I am all alone.
          You live in on in your other children . I can’t have children.
          We all have tradegy in our lives. Some worst than others. I ask myself why am I still here? What is my purpose ? I drag through life …lifeless.
          Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t wake up, that I would go to sleep for ever.
          You have something to live for. I can tell you are smart because the way you write. I am not smart. You must have something to offer while you are living.. Something positive. Because you are still here.
          And you know, you know what it’s like to experience deep dark mad depressing emotion. I read your story because I was looking on the Internet for relief answers to why I’m so sad… After reading your story your feelings of life are not different than a lot people in their 40’s or 50’s. Life is harsh and it snt all roses that’s for sure. The other reason why I think you’re smart is you see life for what it really is. And you have the emotion to express life and sorrow pain.. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child. I don’t think I could bare it. Gosh, I didn’t like my dad and I have a hard time dealing with his death . You loved your daughter and to love something, someone do much and loose them has got to be a terrible feeling.. I hope you feel better and let go and live life a little bit more… After reading your story and me writing my scribble, I feel a little better than I did an hour ago. Thank you.

          • Joan Corby

            Hey Greenfreckles, you have a gift of expressing yourself with honesty, which touched me. Like yourself, I entered this because I feel like dying, I feel so alone and stupid. My dad was also mean at times, and died 4 years ago. Still, we loved him as he could only love us as he was loved, and treated us better than his father treated him. Thank you for sharing

          • JayBee

            Have thought a lot about my dad–such a mean, critical and selfish man.  Purposely making his children feel worthless.  Projecting his self hatered onto us.
            And it took.  My brother is the most bitter, angry hateful person I know.  Nice job dad!  Way to f-it up for the entire family and yet would put on a different face to the outside world.  However, he didn’t fool everyone.  My doctor knew–knew what I was enduring.

          • Marley Jean

             Sounds like the same family dynamic that I grew up in.   I’m 53 none of my sisters and brothers speak to each other.   I feel the death/murder of my father, caused anger and bitterness at a young age in us all (I was 8 at the time)  My mom I think tried her best, but she too struggled.   I just can’t understand why we as adults choose to hate something that happened over 40 years ago……   I am watching the History Channel’s mini series  of the Hatfield and McCoys… and according  to their interpretation.  The fathers of both clans became angry bitter over the murder of a McCoy’s brother and a stolen pig.  Through the years their bitterness and hatred towards each other continues to grow over stupid and petty events.  Then God comes along and gets Roseanne McCoy pregnant by young Johnston Hatfield.   Both kids wanted to get married and  raise the child….  but oh Nooooo neither father of the clans would allow it.  Roseanne was disowned.  Johnston never married her.   Eventually the child died…   I can’t but wonder. if they had taken this event and ALL choose to LOVE this baby…..Would the rest of the killings not have happened?.    I think in life,  bad things happen to good people…. And its up to the people to try to make the bad things null.  Try not to “stink and think” about it …cause it will just bring you down.   Look for the door that leads to brighter days.  That is what I am trying to do.  Some days are a struggle for me.   I lost my husband 3 years ago to Brain Cancer which I KNOW was caused by tainted heparin.   Tainted Heparin that I NOT knowing injected into his body for a month twice a day.  He received 110 syringes of the poison…  The FDA said that the lot # of the tainted heparin  we had, caused severe illness and death.  My husband experienced both! . I miss him every day….  But he will know some day,  that I tried to fight the pharmaceutical company that caused it.  I didn’t win! ….  but I stood up for what was wrong….   IF I take this horrible event out every day and dissect it (stink and think) it will destroy me.   So I put it up on the shelf and think of other ways to honor my man.     Like when my daughter got pregnant, unexpectedly.  I bought an antique high chair and placed it under my husbands portrait in the dinning room.   To honor Jeff as a grandfather.   and that precious baby is helping heal a lot of wounds ….     I guess my point is… Terrible things happen to us all  and there are some days that I feel like dying.    but for the ones who went on ahead of me.   I must look to find a door that is opening to happiness.   It is my choice…..  and I just can’t help but wonder if in life,   some of us choose not to see the opportunities.  Like my siblings…

          • My stepdad has payed for everything I have but has also said things I would never say to my future children. I have gotten looks that look so full of distaste I thought I was imaging them. But everyone looks at me like the unappreciative stepchild acting out. Besides grades in school I have done anything to him to get such hatred from him. And its not just recently it pretty much been since I was little. And used to think this was just him but with my two littlest sisters he is “Daddy!” And I feel mad every time because my biological father and him deprived me of that. Am I so wrong?!

          • Peter Garcia

            Sounds just like my dad and everyone else thought he was such a nice person but so mean with his own family.

          • MayorOfLoathsomeville

            I’m selfish. I’ve got no friends anymore because of the anger that’s built up in me over the years. When you’re alone all the time you’re all you’re used to thinking about.

            I’m a father, as well. I never wanted a child but my wife skipped a pill so she could have one before her clock ran out the moment I assured her I wouldn’t abandon her for getting pregnant. I never expected her to do that.

            I wanted to die before my son arrived but I thought my mom might need me. Now I don’t talk to her anymore. I stayed around because I thought my wife might need me but now that we’ve got a son I feel awful about leaving him without a father. I grew up without a father and it was awful and I’m an incomplete man for it.

            But as you’ve just brought up: I don’t want to ruin my son being an angry, selfish, self-hateful person. If I top myself, I hurt my son. If I stay – I hurt my son.

            What am I supposed to do?

            I want to leave. I’ve wanted out since forever ago. Now that I’ve got everything I need to clock out every day feels as though it could be my last but I can’t get myself to just leave. What’s worse, my wife doesn’t drive! ugh. I’m so close to just saying FK it.

            Every day it’s the same thing. I wake up in the morning, go through the day fighting in my head, snapping at my son for demanding my attention constantly, hating myself for snapping at a baby, hating myself for being a sh***y father, hating myself for being fat, it just goes on and on until bed time. Then I get to be unconscious for several hours until it’s time to do it all over again. Alone.

            What’s the point of this? There is no point. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I feel awful for my son. I never wanted to bring him into this but his mom insisted. Now what? I NEED to leave. I NEED to get free of this.

          • Samarmamma

            Don’t abandon your baby boy. I am living the exact same life as you one excruciating minute hour day and week after the other but I do it for my little girl. Don’t abandon your baby boy.

          • eddy suwandi

            I’ve got that kind of feelings too sometimes. Thinking what is the point of this kind of life. And then i reflect that life is precious, and if i think there is no point in my life, then maybe i should just dedicate my life for others, and happiness of others. And when i start to give more n help others more, i start to feel happier.

            Lastly, reach out, and talk to others. If there is no one, you can always reach out online like this one. There will always be people who care.
            May you be well and happy my friend!

          • Dineo Matloga

            You can’t leave your son. You are stronger than you think you are. Talk to someone, maybe see a psychiatrist or psychologist for help. Talk to your wife about it. You may not realise it, but there are many options.

            You may think you don’t have friends anymore but that’s probably because you’ve isolated yourself from them and they are at a loss as to what to do. Try to reach out to at least one or two of your old friends who you felt most comfortable with.

            I think one of the worst factors of your life is the stagnation you feel. Your endless routine contributes to your sense of hopelessness. Do something. Make a change.

            I hope this does not discredit my advice but I am a 17-year-old girl who has struggled from major depression for the past 5 to 6 years. I understand the sense of agony, the feeling of nothingness and the prayer that all the suffering will go away.

            You need to look inside yourself and find that one thing that you think you can live for. Whatever it is, it may not be the most significant thing in the world but it’s the one thing that matters to you, and that’s what you should live for. That’s the reason you should carry on.

            I am not a professional but there’s a reason I suggested you see a psychiatrist – you are showing signs of depression. From what you have posted, these are some of the symptoms that I’ve recognised:

            1. Your self-deprecation (you described yourself as “selfish”).
            2. Your isolation from your friends.
            3. Your irritability (you snap at your son).
            4. Your sense of hopelessness.

            You may or may not be suffering from depression (as I said, I’m no professional) but you still need help. The first step is to talk to someone about your struggles. You don’t have to see a doctor about it but you can speak to friends or family that you trust. Or, talk to a bunch of strangers who understand what you’re going through. I mean, this comment section alone is full of people who can potentially help.

            Don’t give up; there’s still hope. And, most importantly, your son needs you.

        • JayBee

          I am currently going through the same thing.  My bother is terrible to me and hates me–for the fact that he will need to share the wealth of my money driven father.  and yes, my father abused me–still tires, but now is older and can’t quite be as verbally cruel due to limited energy level.  He has Parkinson’s as well.  Despite the fact that he has been horrible to me, I allowed my father and mother to live with me nad my family over different time frames.  Naturally, I am only as good as my next favor.
          Also dealing with a money digging niece who is also waiting for them-my parents to pass.  I told him to cut me from the will–I don’t want the money.  He can’t buy me.
          There’s more I am not telling, but I will say that my family is horrible.  If I were not related to them, I would certainly never associate with any of them–with the possible exception of my mother. 
          It is so hard to trust others and have a healthy relationship with anyone when you are raised on mistrust and hate.

          • morning glory

             Trust!  You’re so right.  I don’t think my sister’s and I even know how to trust people.  It’s not something we understand.

          • Amy Assad

            Hugs, will watch over as many as I can when I’m gone such a cruel place this earth.

          • Tpm Resouces

            You are such a good person just by reading your post it is obvious that you have a good heart. As for your family, karma is a. …stay sweet n be grateful for all tht is positive in ur life. I am considering suicide

        • morning glory

           I have 2 sisters.  They are completely money driven.  Our parents inherited several million from an Aunt.  Both of our parents were abusive to us all in different ways when we were little.  There was physical, emotional and sexual abuse.  My sisters play along with my folks that we had an idyllic childhood so as to say in the will.  I’m 42 and finally decided that closure is way more important than money.  I wrote out everything that they had done to us that I could remember.  I had 3 or 4 outside documents of proof of what happened – medical documents, handwritten letters from family members, etc.  I scanned it all, created a private blog and sent them all the link and the password.  I was able tell as each member of the family logged on and read the truth.  The 4 of them opened the documents 74 times before I removed it.  Not one of them has responded, but it doesn’t matter.  I smashed “Crazy World” for all 5 of us.  I’m sure I won’t see a penny, but that doesn’t matter, I’m free. 

      • Mz Hipsofagoddess

        James i just cant take it anymore i want to leave sooo badd but she just won’t let me….I want to stay with my grandmother……my grandmother is like my mother…she cares for me more than anything…..my mother has this boyfriend any i believe that if the world was at an end and she had to choose between me and her boyfriend she would choose him….please reply and help me….i am eleven years old by the way

        • Ellen

          Can you talk to your grandmother right now?  Let her know what you are feeling. She may be able to help you in this situation.  I wish I could help you.  Try to remember that things usually get better as we grow up (although the teen years are particularly demanding!) and just keep yourself as busy as possible with school, church, scouts, volunteering, etc.  That may sound crazy when you’re in an unhappy situation, but activity really does help.  I hope James answers your post soon.  In the meantime, I care.

        • Medea

          Get some money together and get to your grandmother now. Buy a bus ticket and go with the clothes on your back only if you have to. Hurry.

        • Adeline Phillips

          Are you still with your grandmother? I hope so. I just logged on to this site and saw your post. I have an eleven year old daughter and I want to know you’re okay.

    • Anonymous

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine that pain. I use to work with children with medical needs, until I had children. I can’t even handle the idea of working with dying children now…maybe when my kids are older. But I doubt it.

      Your post made me think of those poor parents…so unfair…good luck to you.

    • Mikeymcd

      Thanks for sharing. Your thoughts are your own but you are not alone. Most have been crushed only to feel similar to you. 

      We are destined to enjoy the “cupcakes” when we can. 

    • Propitiousone


    • Greenfreckles80

      I am dead even though I’m alive.

      • Julien

        I completely comprehend what your getting at, sadly your point comes across–in my opinion–as self serving, justifying an ill emotion with an emotive justification. And to that end I am not surprised in the lack of replies that might have proven helpful. I can be extroverted, witty, joyful but nonetheless believe its disingenuous, that the shell created in my childhood (8 1/2 yrs of sexual and physical abuse) is a mere fabrication. It is the measure I find daunting, some paradigm that’s more than a formula to let others think I’m living. Convince myself it’s not an act. But of this I am certain, somewhere, someone is far off worse. This is not a statement of quantifying human experience but a sobering notion I entertain when I feel I’ve been hard done by. @sophomaniac

        • tom dissonance

          maybe they weren’t looking for “replies that might have proven helpful.” i’m sure calling them “self-serving” wasn’t particularly useful either. butt out.

    • Boongie74

      i feel like this too!!! my daughter died…but ive never really let it sink in…dr calls it shock…i guess ive been in shock for 7 yrs….i live in fear of what may happen to my son…..it isnt living…i dont know what it us :/

    • Loyola92

      I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. I have 4 kids, I can’t imagine losing one of them. I’m in a shitty marriage and one of my children has autism and neurological problems. I hate my existence and only live for my children. You are so right when you stated that life is like a slow moving river of crap, punctuated with moments of joy. As soon as you get one of those “little cupcakes” it disappears as quickly as it came. The constant is the shit. Sure is hard to have faith in a loving God. My best to you, your family, and your angel in heaven.

      • A ray

        We have learned that you really cant have you cupcake and eat it too.

    • Rrgangel

      do you still feel like this  iam now and wodering if it gets better

    • hannah

      I don’t know you ,have never seen you .But I pray ( not so religious but I have strong belief) that God eases your pain and create a new reason for you to want to live again . This is an extremley painful passage ,but like all the other things in life ,your grief will pass . I don’t know why I opened this page today . I share your pain ,at least let me do this for you for one day ,so that you can take a break

      • rhonda

        hannah: How awful of you to give people false hope by saying that grief will pass. Grief NEVER goes away — it may lessen, but it does NOT pass. Not if you truly loved someone.

        • Corinne

          Rhonda – Hannah was not giving anyone false hope. For some, maybe the grief never goes away, but for others it does. I lost my mother when I was 12. I’m now 35 and I no longer grieve for her. Does that mean I didn’t truly love her? Absolutely not. I still love her with everything that I have and when I think of her there is only love and joy in my heart. No two people experience grief the same way.

    • Denise Betters

      Damn Dave you said it all

    • Millhouse

      I had an affair six months ago. I can’t forgive myself. Every day I think about during

    • egoma

      This original article makes a valid point; there is a font of negativity in me that is the thing upon which I actually wish death. My beating heart causes me no suffering. However, I have tried for decades and in multiple ways–medications, therapy, career changes, location changes–to kill this font of negativity, and I do not know a way to make it die. I know how to make a human being die (theoretically; I haven’t ever tried). I do not know how to make the negative emotions die. Thus, I fantasize about killing myself.

      @twitter-49221688:disqus I hope that you found a moment of transcendance coming up with the best ever completion of the sentence “life is like…” (“cupcakes floating in a river of sewage.”) I relate completely to everything that you have written. Are you feeling any better these days?

      And why do people always say: “Everyone feels that way” or “Other people have it worse”? (Implication: stop wallowing). I feel so badly right now that I can barely get out of bed. Everyday there is a fog of self-pity in my head so thick that I can’t even tell if other people are real. It lifts for spells, and then drops back down like a sledgehammer. Does thinking of all the child army conscripts in the world make me feel better? Does it make me feel better to think that hidden beneath the still, smooth surfaces of the people around me on the bus are abscesses of alienation, inoperable malignancies of self just like mine? I already think about the armies of children, about the ubiquity of desperate loneliness. These thoughts are a major contributing factor to my death-wish. But thanks for reminding me of them!

    • angel

      wow eating your words was like listening to my own thoughts somehow i don’t feel as alone in the world though i am sorry for your pain and the darkness that flows through your soul…I am comforted to know Im not the only one in the world feeling the same exact feeling my situation is a bit different but at the end of the day sorrow is sorrow. Thankyou for sharing your hear. I am not dead but I feel dead inside due to many losses my mom has lost all dignity due to 2 massive strokes and many seizures she can’t speak walk talk or go to the bathroom on her own y dad lost his home in hurricane sandy Im unemployed for 2 years due to becoming a caregiver and may loose my home as I am living on fumes not dead but dead inside I lost my best friend and advocate my mom and I wish I was dead but for some reason i continue to breath.did i mention i have 2 brothers who do nothing to help my mom or dad I’m in this alone with the exception of my prayer time with Jesus. like you once in a while in the shit-storm called life a cupcake floats in to my hands I to smile… thank you brother Peace to you and your family god bless you and thank you for sharing you gave me some strength

    • rr0

      Dave , pls take care – i hope you and your wife find your peace. God Bless.

    • JIM


    • estellema

      I know that feeling so well. That feeling of waking up knowing that life will never be good and carefree again that fear everytime you have a little moment of peace and happiness that something will happen to take it all away again and that you will end up back in the deepest darkest lifeless life. To me it’s existing not living. walking, eating, sleeping, waking up, going to work but dead inside. every now and then you forget, for a short while, but it always comes back, the depair, the pain, the black ooze as you describe it. You survive almost out of habit, but not living. Oh if only my heart would stop beating, simply stop beating and end it all, ALL! No diamond James, no diamond, just dust, worthless black dust.

      • Edina

        That’s how I feel. That’s how it’s been for me for years. First, I thought it was obvious, but no, people look at me and think I’m happy. It’s insane.

    • junesmiley

      ohh i feel exactly like you feel

    • Name-a-Pete

      You got it right: We are floating down a shit river with some cupcake sandbars on the way

    • drewm

      Well put too.. i feel your pain. I hope your still kicking (y)

    • Tash

      Wow you shared your feelings so much better then I. It really hit home. That is how I feel,exactly The jumping in front of a truck. The jumping off a building. Alive, but dead. I add one thing. I feel like I’m everywhere physically but nowhere cerebrally. That I’m programming responses and am not part of live. Thanks for putting in words what I couldn’t. How are you now? Did you make it?

    • Edina

      I’m sorry for your loss, David. I cannot imagine what you’ve been through, what you are still going through. I wish you strength to carry on. Personally, I don’t know what the fuck life is about anymore, I think it’s absurd, and it’s only the people we love and who love us that make sense of it. So when you loose that… I wish you to heal a little bit, just enough to be able to smile when the sun rises in the morning, and kiss you wife and hug your other kids, and look forward to your midmorning cup of coffee and the little chat with colleagues.

    • Ram

      Same with me only thing is that i have no more kidd

    • dead inside

      I’m right there with you. I am totally emersed in a slog….. trees, bridges, a quick jerk of the steering wheel… I hate everyone around me….it consumes me.

    • Amy Assad

      I still wonder how people keep it together, I will like to check out but often wonder if my husbnd can handle the kids alone. but should I stick around just for other people who may be better of without me?

    • ScientificHeart

      I Feel this. I don’t know what to do. I Feel like my life here is much like a purgatory. Where I have died yet still alive. Fading out most of my days. Being grateful another day is gone. I am not here anymore. The best parts of me are gone. I can’t get it together. I died and i’m dying. Can’t fix it. It’s getting worse.

    • lolseeya

      I hope you feel better after reading this . . .
      I know it’s cliche but I want you to go and live your life to the fullest, I want you to be happy, I want you to find that special someone and be with them forever (don’t cheat though, it hurts, a lot), I may not know you, at all, but I want you to go out there and leave your mark on this world! Will you do that? If not for anyone that you personally know, but for those that care enough that, even if they don’t know you, they will still cry. For example, I refuse to watch the news anymore because things such as suicide or murder come up so often, and I will cry like a blubbering baby, let me tell ya.

    • JeyRome

      Me too Dave.
      My gravest concern is one of kids dying before I do…these are the greatest kids a father could ever hope for…never a lick of trouble & all successful.
      I can’t imagine having to continue on after that type of event…sorry man.

      Somewhat like you, I currently lead a joyless existence too due to many other dysfunctions & issues in my life…really it’s just the endless slog of mind numbing grey which is quite like death, it’s just that the body hasn’t got the message. There’s nothing to believe in or ‘hang one’s hat’ on anymore…it’s a pointless existance.

      So if we aren’t alive & the endless nightmarish situation won’t end, then pragmatically speaking, why not death?

    • Roderick Scott

      That last part really touchdown on how I’m feeling…

    • Neetu Hamasaki

      I’m with you. My little sister, the child that I raised died and to me she was my daughter and I loved her so much. She died and so did I and it’s been 9 months but I’m not really feeling better like some people expect or want me to. I don’t think I’ll ever be ok or feel real joy again. My life is over, it feels to me. I don’t care about anything. I don’t know what to do about it but other people try and tell me what to do and it’s really annoying and agitating and stressful on top of the stressed state I’m already in. I don’t have anyone around who understands or is sympathetic, more of a stiff upper lip mentality. Anyway, life sucks, don’t see the point of anything and who really cares. I just wanted to say that I feel just like you do.

  • Guest2

    Thanks for this. I’ve been having some very dark moments lately and trying to think of a way to contain them since I know they are not true (though they feel real). Your insight to unpack the feeling by asking it “what is it inside of me that really wants to die?” is genius. That makes sense. That not only makes sense but it can take me somewhere – I can actually tease out both the problem and then attend to it instead of feeling overwhelmed…

    • Guest, thanks for writing. Its been a very hard few weeks, few months, few years, past decade, the world has gone through. It’s natural to have these dark moments. Heck, I probably have them every day. But taking it day by day, and realizing what is it this moment that is truly creating the darkness can help us unveil the light that was underneath. 

  • Artsharp

    Beautiful post James. Resonates more than anything I have read in a long time

  • kurt

    I am sorry for your loss. When someone takes their life it is never easy to swallow, and even harder to understand. There is always that feeling of, ‘I could have done something’, but the only thing you can do now is live and learn. Live your life and learn to reach out to those that are still here. 

    Recently I had a friend that took his own life. He helped me coach a basketball team which his son was on. The hardest part was the took his two sons with him, the son that I coached. He was a good friend and father, so it really came out of no where, which makes it even harder. He was going through financial troubles and a very rough divorce, but it was still very unexpected. After it happened I couldn’t help but think, there were so many times where I wanted to just see if he wanted to go get a beer and talk about things, but instead I just went home to rest for work the next day or whatever was going on in my life.

    I’ve had some time to deal with it, probably one of the most tragic incidents that will happen to someone that close to me in my life, and it is still very hard. It makes me hug my father and the people that are close to me in my life much tighter. 

    Life is fleeting. One day its here, the next day it is not. All I hope is that when I leave, I’ll be empty of all I can give, and full of all I can receive.

    Thank you for your post, and for listening to mine.

    • It is fleeting. Sounds like your friend had a real rough time and we never really know until its too late to help. And sometimes there’s no way to help. 

      The best thing we can do is stay as healthy as possible (emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually) so that we can be a beacon for those in trouble, even if we don’t fully realize the effect we are having on the people around us. 

      • Doc Hawkins

        James You Nailed it!
        Quote” even if we don’t fully realize the effect we are having on the people around us.” UNQUOTE

        My point on selfishness though clumsily stated.

        If you have effect you have worth.
        If you have worth you can contribute to someone, something.
        If what you contribute to is a lie and you were mistaken it’s on the liar not you.
        Cause you have worth and tomorrow the liar who owns up to his misgivings has worth as well.

  • Great post James.
    Once I was feeling extremely bitter and tired and lonely (3 days ago)…..at some point I came across this wonderful Ayn Rand quote, not that I have even read her work much, but this quote stuck out.  I realize that good quotes aren’t enough to help ourselves most of the time, but while we are living and breathing why not feast on good words when we can.
    (I have no idea what the context of this is,other than comes from  Atlas Shrugged)

    “Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it’s yours.” 

    • Beautiful quote. And I think that represents more of her philosophy than the many people who bastardize it to a “winner-takes-all” objectivism. I think she is more about inner competence than outer competition. 

  • VB

    Great post james, death / dieses (the first three words are ‘die’)  reminds us of our shallowness; while i was
    reading your post..I rememberd how I didn’t call back a high school friend who
    i got to know  couple of months back had
    breast cancer. I picked up phone atleast twice …but couldnt muster up the
    courae to call back. I dont know why..maybe i didn’t want to change the image i
    had of her’s while in school (maybe!)..i still havent made that call and it
    hits me in the gut whenever I think aboout it. …

    • You don’t have to call her. You can keep your memories just as you have them. But maybe she would be very grateful to hear from you today. Not every day we can make an impact. If you pick up the phone and type ten digits that might be the easiest way you can make a huge impact today. All you have to do is say, “Hi” to her. 

      • Sooz

        pick up the phone, VB.
        agree with J.A…all you have to do is say ‘Hi”.
        who knows, maybe she’ll even lift your spirits. 

  • Cris

    Thank you James….you always give me something thought provoking to think about for the rest of the day that helps me grow as a person.

  • Sussan

    Wanted to die in an earlier part of my life and realized from it that people don’t kill themselves because life is bad. Its about pain, unbearable pain. I worked through it but I was probably as close to dead as the living can get for a few years.

    • As close to dead as the living can get–that’s an accurate description of how I felt. I worked through it, too, but it was hard.

      • Tash

        dod u survive? That’s how I feel now and for three years

    • As close to dead as the living can get–that’s an accurate description of how I felt. I worked through it, too, but it was hard.

  • cindyluwho

    Outstanding Post!!!!  You are exactly correct. Thanks:)

  • Beautifull Article, I read all replies, some of them so sad they made me cry. I really need to tell you that there is a lot written about human emotions in Scientology, you can find it in http://www.scientology.org it really works and there are actual methods to take all the pain out. It works, I´ve been there. And you can also read a lot about human behaviour in a way it has never been written before. I will be glad to answer any questions about this, I never post anything about Scientology but reading some of the comments here and knowing that I know something which can really help and for sure, I couldn´t help posting this.

  • As someone who has never really felt normal, yet has always believed in himself, and who has rarely if ever received positive normative judgment from society,…..

    I typically feel dead.  Actually, it’s more like a veneer of bravado foisted by layers of complex analysis covering a kernel of fear.
    I persevere, knowing that things will change because I’m changing them.


  • Lisa H

    This is why I love reading you James, you are real with no BS!  I have been here before too, but was told “You don’t want you kill yourself, you want to kill THEM.”  So true.  

  • monica

    not gonna lie, sometimes you totally lose me in your posts, but you didn’t lose me in this one. thanks for the good read! 

  • Joeussent

    for over two years my life gone upsdie down and not getting any better, a brain tumor which was cancer and a wife that wont even cuddle with me, I cant work or drive, my buddie Todd my dog died from a pit bull and I can go on with more, i pray ever night to die I see only one answer. so dont pray for me. I only need your prayers To God to let me die

  • Helen Westover

    This is so well put – we want the pain to die, the sickening feeling of loss and fear and failure and loneliness.  But all our instincts drive us toward life.  This distinction is priceless.  And worth remembering, for a friend, or for ourselves.

  • Helen Westover

    This is so well put – we want the pain to die, the sickening feeling of loss and fear and failure and loneliness.  But all our instincts drive us toward life.  This distinction is priceless.  And worth remembering, for a friend, or for ourselves.

  • Zach Kouwe

    Very timely post given the tragedy that has happened out in L.A. – http://www.businessinsider.com/alan-schram-suicide-russell-armstrong-2011-8

  • Tomgesch

    You guys are losers seriously.  

    Bad shit happens to everyone.  

    My brother died in front of me when i was 19 years old and i saw his head literally almost come off his body.  I have nightmares about it every once in a while(none in over 2 years but i will have one again i bet.  Most likely sooner now since i read all this wallow in sorrow crap.)  You people just focus on the negatives of life and do not focus on the positives.  Dwelling on shit does not help.  Your wife left you?  Your kid died?  You lost a house?  Welcome to the majority(minus dead kid)!  Perhaps you and your wife were never meant to be if you couldn’t work things out.  Maybe you never could afford that house and you got suckered into it by a bank or real estate broker with the bullshit borrowing that has been going on for the past 10+ years.  So you made a mistake?  Oh well!  You have to focus on the future and say you know what my next wife will be hotter, nicer and we’ll get along and my next house i will be able to afford and pay off in a few years. 

    Wallowing and treading in your own misery doesn’t help especially writing about it everyday like the blog owner does.
    Man the fuck up and get the fuck over it.

    • sadness is relative

      i kinda agree. talk to any vet from wwII or vietnam or even the recent sand pits. black inside,  yeah many know that… and i hate cupcakes.

      people now feel “so sad” if they don’t get enough likes to their facebook post about getting a morning coffee. pathetic.

      • Helen Westover

        You probably never have had true depression.  It is not sadness – It is like a trap door in your soul, and you have little control over the plunge into it.  
        It however, can eventually be overcome, and I don’t mean with SSRI’s – 

        • sadness is relative

          you mean like not being able to get out of bed for weeks/months? no interest in food at all? the depth of your post really knows all doesn’t it? thanks for your blog comment diagnosis – have you ever thought about the fact you don’t know shit.

          the reality is there are people who WANT to live in other countries, eating boiled grass soup, picking corn from cow dung all in efforts to survive (and often at the brutal hands of others) – and in our country weenies on facebook hang themselves over self pity they can’t get laid.

          when you open your eyes to the world and put your sadness in perspective, you realize you should get over it. been there and thankfully woke up when after months of nothingness and realized there are way more people in far worse situations then mine. still black on the inside but i can live with it – just make the best of it.

          the most annoying thing about liberals is they push evolution (which is darwinism) over “god” (or whatever higher power you might believe in) yet they don’t understand that means the weak get weeded out – the natural order of things. so that’s how it works… weak? buh-bye.

          instead these internally confused bleeding hearts want the “strong” and those who make effort to give up all their rewards – to constantly feel sorry for and save all the ones who won’t get off their ass and make efforts themselves.

          “boo hoo. i dropped out of school so i am illiterate and need counseling for my multiple drug and alcohol dependencies and endless welfare to feed myself and my 14 illegitimate children.” sounds like your problem not mine – why should i feel sorry for you and work to give the money to you so you can constantly make these problems for yourself? liberals – where is darwin now?

          “boo, hoo. i posted about seeing a bluebird and only got 47 likes”… what a pathetic bunch of losers that need empty gratification from others (who they often don’t even know) to feel their existence is justified and worthwhile.

          i don’t use facebook but my wife does and at times she shows me these people we “know” on it – complete screw ups posting endless lies as to how “great” their life is – their own little sitcom to the world – self delusional, narcissistic behavior – but the people who know them in real life know the reality is they are messed up beyond belief, floundering in their endless poor choices – shaking our heads at their incredible lies and deceptions posted to themselves. people facing bankruptcies posting about their latest vacations or huge flat screen tv’s, or going to the church food bank while simultaneously posting stories of their “incredible dinners” etc… like somehow getting “likes” from people they hardly know will make their lies somehow true and their life “all better”

          so many in bad situations have put themselves there (the death of a child is an exception). drug dependencies, drinking problems, being arrested, putting themselves in dangerous/stupid situations, financially, emotionally, literally or otherwise – everybody blaming everyone else but themselves – that’s nobody’s fault but your own. get over it – change if you don’t like it – rather then wallow in your self pity. the saying “you’ve made your bed now lie in it” is far underutilized.

          you don’t want to do it for yourself? there’s the dirt pile right there. all you liberal greenies should support that? right? let the limited resources on our planet be used by those who will truly value them. not everybody goes through life feeling happy go lucky and cherry pie every day – most likely far the opposite – everybody has their cross to bear.

          turn off the television if that is how you think – the brainwashing of our society is disgusting that someone will always bail them out, “where is my prize package? my parting gift that makes it all better?” the “problems” of life solved in their 22 minute sitcom with a perfect ending. ugh.

          life is hard anywhere. in america for most people it’s probably the easiest existence of anyplace left on this planet, yet still too hard for too many members of our “society” – good riddance i say.

          • Bert H

            I agree with most of your comments. Your tone is a little harsh, but the point is well-taken. But you sound like you’re demeaning the feeling of sadness itself. Is that true?

            Sadness is a natural emotion and repressing it is probably not healthy. I don’t think it’s a liberal/conservative thing either. John Boehner knows how to have a good cry.

            I got sad when my girlfriend broke up with me when I was 15, I cried when my dog died, I feel sad when I see pictures of people in those countries you refer to with distended bellies and flies all over them. Should I “man up” and not wallow in self pity on those occasions? Of course. But feeling sadness is part of being human.

            You seem to have strong opinions, so I am curious about what your thoughts are about sadness.

          • sadness is relative

            sadness is human. i feel it. i don’t always like it. i don’t like cupcakes.

            if i feel sad – for whatever the cause – my own cause, another person affecting me, situations in the world, i figure out what i can control and what i cannot and move on. i still feel sad now and then, but next time you feel sad think if you had to pick corn out of cow dung because you were hungry and compare – i just don’t expect the world to stop or everyone to drop everything and come rushing to save me. (or pathetically think posting on facebook will cause people to care about me or solve the underlying cause of the sadness)

            to helen, i said the death of a child is an exception – but my one question to your situation is – where the hell were those parents? too busy with work, keeping up with the joneses, drunk, high, or otherwise checked out of their childs life?

            for an 11 year old to make such a choice my first instinct is that the parents were instrumental in the end result – so perhaps they are laying in the bed they made?

            i find it very hard to imagine how any 11 year old could come to that result without the parents being aware of it. then again television and music all glamorize suicide now, so perhaps that is the reaping what we sow…

          • Helen Westover

            The mother was my sister.  Her son had been put on Ritalin because he acted too much like a boy.  They were told to take him off it on weekends.  It was a family party, and he was having a blast.  Then he disappeared, and they found him hanging from the garage.  We know now the effects that Ritalin and other drugs (The Columbine kids were both on SSRI’s and Ritalin)have on children – suicide is one of them.
            It was an intact, happy family, “sadness”.  How easily you judge others.

          • sadness is relative

            you need to look at our screwed up politically correct liberal blame everyone but yourself society (and medical system) that pushes people to take endless medications that are often far worse the then original problem – not me.

            ironically i almost touched on that fact that i was going to guess the kid was “medicated” for something earlier – easily guessed now that our whole society is now based on “blame” and medications to “fix it”
            how did “we” all manage the past 50 years without ritalin? people seemed to grow up fine or maybe suffer some discipline for these actions that are now just medicated away.what? little johnny is sad that he can’t run his fat 220lb 10 year old ass as fast as the others? well we’ll just give him pills to hide those “bad” unfair emotions and also make everyone run slower and everyone will get medals… wheee!

            how many kids in china sweatshops or other third world countries are on ritalin? gosh – how the heck do they manage!

            if your kid is on potentially dangerous medications it is the parents responsibility to watch them period. i guess they were having too much fun at the party to notice. sorry about that.

            if this was before the whatever potential side effects of ritalin were known – again – not my fault but the pushers of “more and more medications to make your life easier” are at fault not me. take it up with them or the parents decision to medicate a young kid with an unproven medication.a couple we “know” had their 4 year old daughter almost drown in a hot tub when they were at a party too – so what they were drunk! – it wasn’t their fault either they said – they were having “fun” and not their fault the other kids in the hot tub did not notice when she went under.there was a 40+ year guy in my office that was “put on” ritalin – he was looking for any excuse he could for his poor performance, after a couple years he stopped the ritalin and looked for another excuse.my wife was a teacher for many years – the coincidental thing we noticed over the years was the “problem kids” were always the same ones (on ritalin or not but most likely “on” as that was the easier way for the “state sponsored” parents)others here may know the ones… the parents that either do not make any effort to “parent” them as they are brainwashed that is the job of the school and the teacher to do – or basically did not give a shit about them either way – kids coming to school unwashed, unkempt just rolled out of bed looking for the “free school breakfast” as the parents were “too busy ya know” or “too poor” boo hoo (yet they always have an iphone or blackberry to their head – hmmm…) always the same excuses but if the stereotype fits…if you know any teachers (that are not full blown let the government raise your child liberal nut jobs) you can hear many stories all very similar themed. the consistent and funniest was whenever these kids were in some sort of trouble the parents ALWAYS flew into a rage about how it was “always the other kids fault” even without knowing what happened. (more of that liberal goodness)yeah – don’t parent your kids, just medicate them. let this be a lesson to everyone – don’t take the kids off their medication during your party times.

          • Helen Westover

            This was 30 year ago, and being “good parents”, they were told he needed the medication by the “experts”.  My sister later went on the Donahue show to warn parents about the dangers of Ritalin.  
            The damned “theraputic community” are those responsible for my nephew’s death.

          • Helen Westover

            And NOW, if you refuse to medicate your child, you can expect an investigation by “Social Services”.

          • sadness is relative

            i agree wholeheartedly with both of your replies.

          • The_shadow

            You are a hateful, callous being. I want you to know I have nothing but contempt for you.
            Don’t bother responding, I will never read it.

          • Bec

            Helen, this is one of the saddest things I have ever heard and I agree, our society is too quick to stick people, esp children on medications that no-one really understands. my heart breaks for your family.

          • Helen Westover

            Ever meet the parents of an 11 year-old who committed suicide?  “Good riddance’?  You are trivializing real grief, why I don’t know.
            This doesn’t mean that we are powerless over depression, however.  I’ve utilized Rational Emotive Therapy, meditation, and above all, my religious faith.  My faith tells me to expect that life is hard – that’s the nature of life.  
            I’m not a “liberal” BTY…I read a great book called “Psychology as Religion, by Dr. Paul Vitz, and it altered my perspective on my own pain, and the takeover of psychiatry from philosophy and religion.  And common sense.  Also, The Triumph of the Theraputic by Christopher Lasch.  I recommend both books.

          • Helen Westover

            Ever meet the parents of an 11 year-old who committed suicide?  “Good riddance’?  You are trivializing real grief, why I don’t know.
            This doesn’t mean that we are powerless over depression, however.  I’ve utilized Rational Emotive Therapy, meditation, and above all, my religious faith.  My faith tells me to expect that life is hard – that’s the nature of life.  
            I’m not a “liberal” BTY…I read a great book called “Psychology as Religion, by Dr. Paul Vitz, and it altered my perspective on my own pain, and the takeover of psychiatry from philosophy and religion.  And common sense.  Also, The Triumph of the Theraputic by Christopher Lasch.  I recommend both books.

          • Helen Westover

            Ever meet the parents of an 11 year-old who committed suicide?  “Good riddance’?  You are trivializing real grief, why I don’t know.
            This doesn’t mean that we are powerless over depression, however.  I’ve utilized Rational Emotive Therapy, meditation, and above all, my religious faith.  My faith tells me to expect that life is hard – that’s the nature of life.  
            I’m not a “liberal” BTY…I read a great book called “Psychology as Religion, by Dr. Paul Vitz, and it altered my perspective on my own pain, and the takeover of psychiatry from philosophy and religion.  And common sense.  Also, The Triumph of the Theraputic by Christopher Lasch.  I recommend both books.

          • Helen Westover

            Ever meet the parents of an 11 year-old who committed suicide?  “Good riddance’?  You are trivializing real grief, why I don’t know.
            This doesn’t mean that we are powerless over depression, however.  I’ve utilized Rational Emotive Therapy, meditation, and above all, my religious faith.  My faith tells me to expect that life is hard – that’s the nature of life.  
            I’m not a “liberal” BTY…I read a great book called “Psychology as Religion, by Dr. Paul Vitz, and it altered my perspective on my own pain, and the takeover of psychiatry from philosophy and religion.  And common sense.  Also, The Triumph of the Theraputic by Christopher Lasch.  I recommend both books.

          • I agree entirely, there are children in parts of Africa that have witnessed their entire family murdered, or have had to murder a family member at gunpoint. They have to live with that shit and they still go on, they don’t wallow in their sadness. America is the land of opportunity, and it is up to you to make the best of it.

        • sadness is relative

          you mean like not being able to get out of bed for weeks/months? no interest in food at all? the depth of your post really knows all doesn’t it? thanks for your blog comment diagnosis – have you ever thought about the fact you don’t know shit.

          the reality is there are people who WANT to live in other countries, eating boiled grass soup, picking corn from cow dung all in efforts to survive (and often at the brutal hands of others) – and in our country weenies on facebook hang themselves over self pity they can’t get laid.

          when you open your eyes to the world and put your sadness in perspective, you realize you should get over it. been there and thankfully woke up when after months of nothingness and realized there are way more people in far worse situations then mine. still black on the inside but i can live with it – just make the best of it.

          the most annoying thing about liberals is they push evolution (which is darwinism) over “god” (or whatever higher power you might believe in) yet they don’t understand that means the weak get weeded out – the natural order of things. so that’s how it works… weak? buh-bye.

          instead these internally confused bleeding hearts want the “strong” and those who make effort to give up all their rewards – to constantly feel sorry for and save all the ones who won’t get off their ass and make efforts themselves.

          “boo hoo. i dropped out of school so i am illiterate and need counseling for my multiple drug and alcohol dependencies and endless welfare to feed myself and my 14 illegitimate children.” sounds like your problem not mine – why should i feel sorry for you and work to give the money to you so you can constantly make these problems for yourself? liberals – where is darwin now?

          “boo, hoo. i posted about seeing a bluebird and only got 47 likes”… what a pathetic bunch of losers that need empty gratification from others (who they often don’t even know) to feel their existence is justified and worthwhile.

          i don’t use facebook but my wife does and at times she shows me these people we “know” on it – complete screw ups posting endless lies as to how “great” their life is – their own little sitcom to the world – self delusional, narcissistic behavior – but the people who know them in real life know the reality is they are messed up beyond belief, floundering in their endless poor choices – shaking our heads at their incredible lies and deceptions posted to themselves. people facing bankruptcies posting about their latest vacations or huge flat screen tv’s, or going to the church food bank while simultaneously posting stories of their “incredible dinners” etc… like somehow getting “likes” from people they hardly know will make their lies somehow true and their life “all better”

          so many in bad situations have put themselves there (the death of a child is an exception). drug dependencies, drinking problems, being arrested, putting themselves in dangerous/stupid situations, financially, emotionally, literally or otherwise – everybody blaming everyone else but themselves – that’s nobody’s fault but your own. get over it – change if you don’t like it – rather then wallow in your self pity. the saying “you’ve made your bed now lie in it” is far underutilized.

          you don’t want to do it for yourself? there’s the dirt pile right there. all you liberal greenies should support that? right? let the limited resources on our planet be used by those who will truly value them. not everybody goes through life feeling happy go lucky and cherry pie every day – most likely far the opposite – everybody has their cross to bear.

          turn off the television if that is how you think – the brainwashing of our society is disgusting that someone will always bail them out, “where is my prize package? my parting gift that makes it all better?” the “problems” of life solved in their 22 minute sitcom with a perfect ending. ugh.

          life is hard anywhere. in america for most people it’s probably the easiest existence of anyplace left on this planet, yet still too hard for too many members of our “society” – good riddance i say.

    • Maybe all your intense judgement and anger is the only coping mechanism you are comfortable using to deal with the tragic loss of your brother.  That said, what does swearing at and belittling those who are expressing some of their deepest sorrows actually do for you?

      I think maybe you would benefit from stepping back and take a long hard look at why you chose this path of anger.  Your anger is inside of you, it’s eating you alive.

      • YupYup

        Sometimes, people respond differently to certain forms of motivation… you can’t quite “shock” people out of their ailments if you tell them your intent.  Maybe you give the benefit of the doubt here?

    • So glad to hear from a manly winner.If you don’t want to hear this stuff try another page where you winners congregate.Amazing how you telling us about your brother is not wallowing.Good bye we losers are going to miss you.

    • Anonymous

      You are certainly one tough hombre.   It is clear that you know much about life so what is the big deal about seeing your loser brother get his head blown off?

    • Doc Hawkins

      I understand “Man the Fuck up”
      For Every person there is a different method of “Man the Fuck up”
      There is a different time line when you get over it
      Like crossing a berm sometimes you need a hand on your  butt from your buddy to get you over.  I carried a Marine’s gear for 4 miles who was spent and if we did not help we would have found his head posted on the internet. Next mission he kicked my butt in performance.  Badly I am ashamed to say.

      I agree on “Get over it” but there are different paths and different timelines to face that monster. Not everyone has the same background or is placed in the same situation with the same training. Some of us need a hand on our butt to push us over the berm. Just don’t scratch.

      Ok your’s and my selection of the English language needs work in this senerio. Some folks think differently and we have to consider (not agree but acknowledge) their points. That’s our culture and I spent 20 years ensuring they can disagree with me. (and I disagree with them but it’s all good)

    • nobody

      How about fuck off…!?  Ever heard of that one?

  • Andrewramponi

    From “Women Food and God” by Geneen Roth. 

    When asked how she coped with deep sorrow, Catherine Ingram said, “I live among the broken hearted. They allow it.

  • Bert H

    James, Thank you for the blog post. I was also touched by the other comments below. I think Dave S’s story about losing his daughter is heartbreaking. I thank God for the health of my sons aged 8 and 11. I could not imagine losing them. Bless you, Dave S. I hope you find peace in your tormented soul.

    I do know about fear and depression. I’ve taken meds since I was 20. I’ve had suicidal thoughts. My marriage failed partly because i was so sad or fearful all the time. It wears those around you down. I have constant fear about losing my business. I imagine myself in a snapshot from the 1930’s, wearing a threadbare suit and knocking on doors for menial jobs. I lost my Mom two years ago to pancreatic cancer. She did everything right health-wise: no drinking or smoking, lots of yoga and walking, healthy diet, lean body. And in 90 days she was gone. She never even had a gray hair and she was 63. (I mentioned her to you once before because I thought you should get screened for pancreatic problems.) My God, I never knew life would be this hard.

    I still curl up in a ball and cry for my Mother when I am depressed and fearful. And so, even though I thought the post from Tomgesch was over the top with anger, part of me agrees: sometimes you have to suck it up and put on a brave face and fight. I would love to wake up every morning happy and bright, but I feel like shit most mornings. I finally realized I had to fight harder to face my fears and keep going. Like you, I’m still alive.

    Facing the pain and sitting with the pain is the hardest thing to do. People usually replace it with booze, pills, sex or some other addiction. It is so hard to let grief wash over you.

    Your daily regimen is a helpful tool. Especially the part about gratitude. That helps me a lot.

  • Bert H

    James, Thank you for the blog post. I was also touched by the other comments below. I think Dave S’s story about losing his daughter is heartbreaking. I thank God for the health of my sons aged 8 and 11. I could not imagine losing them. Bless you, Dave S. I hope you find peace in your tormented soul.

    I do know about fear and depression. I’ve taken meds since I was 20. I’ve had suicidal thoughts. My marriage failed partly because i was so sad or fearful all the time. It wears those around you down. I have constant fear about losing my business. I imagine myself in a snapshot from the 1930’s, wearing a threadbare suit and knocking on doors for menial jobs. I lost my Mom two years ago to pancreatic cancer. She did everything right health-wise: no drinking or smoking, lots of yoga and walking, healthy diet, lean body. And in 90 days she was gone. She never even had a gray hair and she was 63. (I mentioned her to you once before because I thought you should get screened for pancreatic problems.) My God, I never knew life would be this hard.

    I still curl up in a ball and cry for my Mother when I am depressed and fearful. And so, even though I thought the post from Tomgesch was over the top with anger, part of me agrees: sometimes you have to suck it up and put on a brave face and fight. I would love to wake up every morning happy and bright, but I feel like shit most mornings. I finally realized I had to fight harder to face my fears and keep going. Like you, I’m still alive.

    Facing the pain and sitting with the pain is the hardest thing to do. People usually replace it with booze, pills, sex or some other addiction. It is so hard to let grief wash over you.

    Your daily regimen is a helpful tool. Especially the part about gratitude. That helps me a lot.

  • Anonymous

    Great post and comments, it seems to have hit a nerve… I was reminded of a quote from Hemmingway: “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure that it will kill you too, but there will be no special hurry.”
    Of course, Hemmingway blew his brains out. But I find the line about “many are strong in the broken places” very evocative.
    James, I found a quote of yours in the comments to be real words of wisdom: “The best thing we can do is stay as healthy as possible (emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually) so that we can be a beacon for those in trouble, even if we don´t realize the effect we are having on the people around us.” Thank you for that. Even if we are basically losing it ourselves, we still have an obligation to those close to us, to “man up”, as it were, and try to be strong in the broken places, if not for ourselves, then for others.

  • Anonymous

    Great post and comments, it seems to have hit a nerve… I was reminded of a quote from Hemmingway: “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure that it will kill you too, but there will be no special hurry.”
    Of course, Hemmingway blew his brains out. But I find the line about “many are strong in the broken places” very evocative.
    James, I found a quote of yours in the comments to be real words of wisdom: “The best thing we can do is stay as healthy as possible (emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually) so that we can be a beacon for those in trouble, even if we don´t realize the effect we are having on the people around us.” Thank you for that. Even if we are basically losing it ourselves, we still have an obligation to those close to us, to “man up”, as it were, and try to be strong in the broken places, if not for ourselves, then for others.

    • Cbat4

      I want to die because there ISN’T anyone close to me — so by your reasoning, it’s OK to off myself, right?

  • Anonymous

    Great post and comments, it seems to have hit a nerve… I was reminded of a quote from Hemmingway: “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure that it will kill you too, but there will be no special hurry.”
    Of course, Hemmingway blew his brains out. But I find the line about “many are strong in the broken places” very evocative.
    James, I found a quote of yours in the comments to be real words of wisdom: “The best thing we can do is stay as healthy as possible (emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually) so that we can be a beacon for those in trouble, even if we don´t realize the effect we are having on the people around us.” Thank you for that. Even if we are basically losing it ourselves, we still have an obligation to those close to us, to “man up”, as it were, and try to be strong in the broken places, if not for ourselves, then for others.

  • Happier

    What a great and honest post James.

    I am in my 40s. I was born in the USA for years and hated it. Just when I graduated from college
    and planned to leave the USA, I met a girl. Like an idiot, I stayed in America and married her.

    Well it turned out terrible. I was married for 10 years and had a son. I lost all custody of the
    son in the most unfair divorce possible. The courts let the bitch move out of state and take my son with her. Needless to say, I want more than anything to die.

    You see, America is filled with parasitical people and parasitical systems that economically gain
    from your failures (lawyers, bankers, divorce industry, court and prison system) and descent into
    madness (mental health industry). You cannot win, at least you cannot win for long. America and other Americans want to see you go down.

    For me, rather than stay and be a slave to a witch and a member of a deformed Frankenstein family and slave to a kangaroo court system, I left the POS country they call America and the POS people that had their nose in my life, and moved to another country. I didn’t pay any money in divorce settlement, I didn’t pay alimony, and I didn’t pay child support. I refused to support the
    parasites. If you are in a similar situation, you should refuse to pay the parasites as well.

    I should have left America years ago.

    My advice goes to all American Men out there. You are most likely living a repressive life, and you don’t know it. But you feel it. Life is never perfect, but it is certainly better for men in other
    countries. The things that can bring true happiness, such as a wife and children are more
    attainable and sustainable in other countries.

    Don’t get sucked into the American Deception. For men, America is probably the worst and most repressive country on Earth. If you are a young man and reading this, pack your things and leave America. Find a nice wife, have children, and be happy somewhere outside America. It is not likely you will be able to achieve financial stability and family stability in America, two great sources of happiness, because the odds are against it. How many guys do you know that are happily married?

    In the mean time while you are in America follow these rules:
    1) Don’t date any American Women.
    2) If anyone asks you what you do for a living, tell them it is none of their business and walk
    3) Don’t talk to anyone who makes you feel inferior or weird in anyway.
    4) Save all your money in gold and silver. Do not use IRA accounts and don’t buy stocks. Keep
    minimal fiat money.
    5) Work as many jobs as you can.
    6) Consider getting a faith such as Judaism, Islam, or Christianity: real faith and not
    Americanized faith.
    7) Don’t watch television.
    8) Choose your conversations and acquaintances very wisely.
    9) Every night do research on different countries.
    10) Consider writing off your parents and siblings and never talking to them again.
    11) Don’t drink alcohol or take any drugs, prescription or otherwise.
    12) Exercise vigorously and regularly.
    13) Get out to nature as much as possible.

    Remember you live in America, land of propaganda and deception, and you cannot help but be affected by it in some way. The goal is to clear the propaganda out of your system and clear the people who propagate the propaganda out of your world.

    Once you leave, you will begin to see things more clearly and I believe, truthfully.

    I hope this helps some young and lost man. I wish someone would of have told me this before I got married and lost my son.

    One last thing. If you really are feeling suicidal, don’t just take yourself out. Take a few
    parasites with you and leave the world a better place.

    Peace and happiness be with you.

    • Anonymous

      So many good points.  I just want to expand.

      I am getting near retirement age.  Any American man who is not married needs to look abroad where any man with no more than a social security check can have a young wife if he wants, and better than he could ever find at that age in the U.S.

      The Philippines would be the easiest – good English speakers who actually still like Americans.

      But also Thailand – they don’t call it Bangkok for nothing.

      And the DR, which should be called the TA, for guys who prefer a little junk in the trunk.

      For any man who wants a final shot at a better lifestyle, why not die in a nipa hut with a 20 year old LBFM rather than a state supported death – urr nursing – home.

      • carol

        good 4U. What are us old American women supposed to do? I guess there’s just no point in our existence after all huh? I figured as much. I’m done.

        • mrmeman

          aww carol dont let dumb asses get to you. this is only what some people want. your existence is parallel to all people. dont let arrogance get to you.. as hard as it is..

        • guest

          don’t feel bad its all over the world are ill treated even when they are young

      • Barb H

        How skeezy.

    • Doug243

      You are a lunatic in so many ways.

    • Crushed in Watertown, NY.

      You’re absolutely right. I am 26 years young and, I feel very suicidal. My emotions have been crushed by America and its’ “parasites”. Out of all of the comments posted here, your’s actually reached out to me. It’s pretty sad to say that but, how can you not notice the disgusting pigs who ruin the land we live on and destroy peoples lives. Most are so nosy that they indirectly kill people inside. The BIGGEST problem here?: NO one listens. Why even bother reaching out for help when NO one can even fathom in their tiny ignorant self-absorbed minds’ what REALLY going on with the person. In this case, ME… Lastly, nature is awesome and so many dipshits here destroy it and take it for granted. They DON’T have a heart. To me, they’re living demons.

      • Gzaletel

        We need to unite. We are alone and want nothing more than to be rid of it all. We should not die. That means we will do nothing. and evil triumphs when good men do nothing. DOWN WITH THE BLOODY BALD EAGLE!

      • wasup

        youre taking things to a bit of an extreme calling people demons an shit. youre absolutely right, nobody listens to anything you have to say unless its a joke about another they can re use and if you show sympathy to someone whos being teased within the group your the next target

    • Gzaletel

      You are one of the smartest people. I’ve been thinking about leaving for a while now. But I can’t because of a fucking DUI. They’ll come to get me wherever I am because I am a parasite. I want leave. Somewhere.Maybe die. So if it comes to that. I’ll go out with guns blazing my friend!

    • mrmeman

      great post.. really great. but i personally dont agree with taking out other parasites along with you.. you should also mind your own business and leave others out of your own suicide. i fully agree they are parasites but let them be. do not bother people as they are the botherers.. dont be like them. 

    • guest

      you are talking about living in america, hell life is even worse in india where women are squashed like they are as inferior as some bug, what about that???????????

    • Norababora13

      you should really be paying child support for the good of your son. that’s really selfish and self-absorbed of you

    • Norababora13

       Oh, and it also seems like you wrote that whole thing to get attention. Most likely because you are feeling inadequate and lonely. Honestly, having people rant at you and reply to statements you know are completely bogus isn’t going to make you feel any better. Get a therapist.

    • Jack

       What a self-obsessed ASSHOLE you are. Yes, American Late Stage Capitalism and its logical end, PLUTOCRACY (which is government owned by the rich for the continued enrichment of the rich at the expense of everybody else, which is where we are just arriving at now thanks in large part by the Citizen’s United “decision”) most certainly is oppressive especially if you are in the lower 98% income-wise. Yes, for the most part Divorce Lawyers are nothing by sharks and vultures who feed on the carcass of shattered hopes and dreams. Yes, certain individuals, women (and men too) can be horribly EVIL and mess you up in every single way possible BUT NEVER FORGET that it was YOU WHO SIGNED UP FOR THAT RIDE. Also in ANY RELATIONSHIP both partners bare some responsibility for that relationship’s successes and failures. Sometimes one person is more to blame than the other BUT EVERYBODY HAS A PART. Finally, no matter what an EVIL WITCH your ex-wife maybe and no matter how bad she did you wrong EXCUSES YOU FROM FINANCIALLY and EMOTIONALLY SUPPORTING your child. The fact that you are proud of the fact that you have abandoned your child and haven’t sent a single penny to aid in his upbringing tells me ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOU: You are a SELFISH SELF-CENTERED PRICK. 

    • I have lived in the USA most of my life. And looking around me, the endless quest of shopping by the women is insane, and so is the endless pressure on the men to make a LOT of money to support the shopping. I see it every day. But the men do their thing too. They all want to be the ALPHA MALE, and will stop at nothing to have lots of women. Not everybody, but for sure, the majority where I live.

    • ram

      I am so frustrated and am not willing to live in this earth. I had finished MBA even how am not suppose to get an appropriate job I have been trying for government job for past two years. I shown my loyalty to my boss where i working now. a small concern.Anyhow, am failed in my life as well as job. I hope in this world there should most of the wise men looking for loyal, kind person. I promised you, i will never give up my loyalty even my last breath. If any one please provide a job…I’m waiting for your reply…..
      Please ping me on swadtechnologies@gmail.com

    • unclear

      this is just dumb but it makes a lot of sense in many ways. Thing is to have a life that matters. Family is secondary. To be able to do something thats important , feels right and makes living life possible anywhere in the world. To support a cause and have a goal . To clear all the debts before you die. material and spiritual.

  • Michael M

    This is a great post and you are a fantastic writer.  You are real, honest, etc which I reckon is the most courageous thing one can do.  I have been struggling with these feelings, though improving, and this post helped immensely.  Good fortune comes to good people.  

    • Michael, thanks very much. I agree also very much with your last line.

  • Jacob

    No one (or anything for that matter) wants to die. When someone believes they want to die, they see it as the only solution to whatever problem they are facing, which is often not the case.

    • guest

      what about when you are just depressed and have no reason for it.. time after time after time

  • Esther

    Recently I recognized that a lot of my suicidal thoughts are really about wanting to run away.  If I could run away and be free of whatever I am feeling or experiencing that tortures me so much, I would want to keep living.

    Sometimes the brain tortures you to the point where you and the torture are a single unit and you can’t even conceptualize how running away would be possible.  I have bipolar disorder, and that’s what happens to me in very bad agitated depression.

    I don’t have an answer as to why I’m still here, but recently I’ve learned to ask myself whether I would still want to live if I could run away from how I feel.

    • Esther, can I ask: what do you want to run away from? I agree about the brain torturing you. Sometimes that happens to me and I beg it to stop and it doesn’t. That’s the time when things like therapy or medication can help. But other times, maybe you want to listen to the impulses that are telling you to run. Be creative about what else is out there.

    • Jimmy

      Esther and everyone else, you may enjoy checking out Madness Radio. A new episode on suicidal thoughts has just been put up…

  • You get what everybody gets you get a lifetime.I have a tee shirt with this quote on it.This is what Death says to someone who has lived over a thousand years as she escorts him to whatever is next.I love Death I hope there is a beautiful Goth girl to take me to the afterlife but I kind of doubt it.At present I don’t consider myself suicidal and have never made an attempt but in the none too distant past I felt close.I would like my life to be over.I get little pleasure and more than enough pain.I don’t believe there is much chance for any change other than negative change.I would love to be wrong but I don’t think I am.At sixty yrs I have no one close and many resentments of former friends and family.I realize I have many contemporaries who feel the same .I wish there were clinics as Kurt Vonnegut and others wrote about where people could go to surrender to the inevitable.Clinics where people could be made comfortable,given pleasure and then painlessly be escorted to a final good night.As it is there are laws against suicide.As I have stated at present life is not so bad that I feel the need to go to any extreme to make my escape but a random lightning bolt would be welcome.Maybe I’ll be lucky and 2012 will be that end of the world as we know it but I was born on Friday the 13th;luck has never been my strong suit.Hope there is a pretty Goth girl!

    • John, Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I just want to let you know 60 is the new 30, okay 40, and I am not saying this to bum you out. 

      I enjoy reading your comments, I think you have much more to offer than you realize.

      Life just might surprise you.

      • John, I agree with 736. Your comments bring life to this blog and I’m sure to all the people you interact with, both virtually and real life.

        So you have “life energy”. Take that energy and start using it. 2012 doesn’t have to be the end of the world. It can be the beginning of the world for you. I look forward to 60, when I can kick back and say, “wow, at least I don’t have to figure out how to deal with my 40s anymore!”

        • Guest

          Talking to people on the internet is ‘real life’. I hate it and find it infantile when people think there is an internet/”real world” divide. We are real people here online, on this blog, with real time ticking by, talking to other real people. There is nothing ‘fake’ about being online.

        • James,I use my life energy when I can but I have more energy than opportunity to use it.I am not looking for a new beginning at 60 as I have no wish to continue experiencing life’s diminishing return on investment.As I say I have no plan on making my exit stage left any time soon.While I’m here I’m glad I can come to your house here to exchange thoughts and stories with you and others.I have recommended  your blog to many.thank you for this forum and your concern.All things must end is all I’m trying to say and I hope they end before I am unable to enjoy anything anymore.Till the Goth girl sings John Thomas Lehmann.

      • I have heard about the 60-30 thing not a lot of help there.I realize I have a lot to offer but what I don’t see is the world offering much in return.I have seen your posts when I come to James house here I read every one.I would love to be surprised as that rarely happens.Thank you for the small surprise of your reply.Hello to Batman and Ice.

      • 736 just went to your page and read the quote about a paradox.I once had a paradox,one them died.

    • John, Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I just want to let you know 60 is the new 30, okay 40, and I am not saying this to bum you out. 

      I enjoy reading your comments, I think you have much more to offer than you realize.

      Life just might surprise you.

  • Happyjack

    @ Happier

    I’ve been thinking like that and planning as much since I was 15 at least. Hardest thing is seeing worthwhile people go down, take themselves down and then collude in their own degradation and unhappiness; living through a cancer this past year, the lack of joy I perceive in society seems less a cynic and schizoid’s self-haunting as it might have been in the past, and more simply a fundamental misunderstanding of a kind, ignorance of tragic consequences and possibilities.

  • Jennifer Knight

    Great post James.  The last two paragraphs I find to be true, but I think along with the little bits that die, new bits are born.  Otherwise we’d be slowly dying with each bad experience with nothing to show for the good ones or the lessons we learned in each bad experience.  I haven’t thought this logic all the way through (so maybe I should shut up!) but just a thought…

  • Bilal Ahmad

    i am tweeting this blog;)

  • this is the perfect article for me, the way i’ve been feeling in the last 3 weeks. Yeah, i really don’t want to die. I just wanted to stop feeling crappy all d fucking time even when life was going well!

  • The irony of our lives – there are million ways to die, but we got to figure out one way to live… 
    The courage in your writings is truly inspiring and serves as a lighthouse in the middle of the ocean of internet mediocrity. Thank you James!

  • Glenn Fowler

    You can eliminate a lot of those negative feelings by having an increased tolerance to stress. I used Holosync (centerpointe.com) which actually temporarily increases your stress to build your tolerance. 

  • This is completley, utterly brilliant.

  • This is completley, utterly brilliant.

  • other you

    You know that question people start asking you from very early on? – what do you want to do with your life? I’ve changed what I do every few months (for the past 2 decades!), but the one thing I’ve wanted to do with consistency is to die. I don’t have any legitimate complaints, no terrible tragedy. I’m 30, with 2 degrees and 3 suicide attempts. I’ve been to 4 psychologists, 5 psychiatrists (in 4 countries) – after 5 years of medication I got off the pills and will never take medication again. Tried homeopathy. Still trying. I want to get help. But a few months ago I shared with my b-friend. He got really angry and said I must never say that or it would be the end of us. I never spoke of it to him again. But tonight I slipped and told my mother (in a stupid bout of girl talk – ‘sharing’ they call it). I didn’t say it to manipulate, I just hoped that maybe she’d come up with some useful idea (coz I’m really running out!) Same thing. She just got upset – like I was trying to hurt her. The thing that really got to me was that AGAIN I appologised. I appologised for upsetting someone else. And again I promissed myself to never ever speak of this again. My b-friend wants to have children, but I want to die. I have a great life (not like I don’t appreciate it), I know it sounds crazy but I really wish I could give it to someone else. You know, people struggling financially, or people with cancer (that want to live). I’m really trying. I know it’s not right to feel this way. I’m afraid to say anything about it. I don’t know what’s wrong or how to fix it. I’m slipping and I’m scared I won’t hold on much longer. I also promised my family to not deliberately harm myself again. So now I’m trapped. I got so desperate tonight that I typed ‘I want to die’ in Google – and this article came up. Thanks everyone for sharing, at least we’re in good company!

  • I want to DIE NOW

    • Helen Westover

      You can, Christopher.  But they say that many people who have, for instance, thrown themselves off bridges (and survived) say that on the way down, when they changed their minds, seemingly too late.
      If you need to talk, you can reach me at helenrose234@yahoo.com.

  • Jcloward

    I wish my heart would mend, I am at the point in my life where I dont care about anything or anyone anymore… It is a scary feeling if i really think about it but, I dont know what to do at all… 

  • Jonathan

    Im feeling kinda suicidal today myself really . I know I won’t do it . I never do it . But I feel like it . I am a Junior at Northern Illinois University and today I have my 2nd physics exam . I failed the first one pretty bad and now I am going into the 2nd exam knowing nothing so will likely fail this one as well . I know that I can do better and I know that the only thing holding me back is myself . For some reason lately I haven’t really felt like myself . In highschool ,  I was a straight A student and never missed a  class and was really dedicated to my studies. Since arriving at college 2 years ago . I’ve really let myself go . Any motivation I had before coming is now gone . Instead of doing my homework and really learning the material , I’ve been playing the computer watching porn , playing runescape- an online MMROPG , and well for that matter anything that doesn’t have to do with school work . I have such a beautiful mind , I wish that God or something out there would just spark life back into my soul . I am in desperate need.  

    • I felt like this before. So I know it sucks.  Even as recently as in the last six months, I think I was really on the edge for about a year total.  I used to write all my sad feeling down in what I called my sad blog.  I still have it, I keep it to remind me that when things getting really bad for people I know I can relate to them, and not say shit like “snap out of it.”

      I am not expert, but I think it is a huge step for you to recognize that you are not feeling like yourself.  You know you are in there somewhere, it’s just not coming to the surface.  This is a temporary situation.  Read James post today maybe that will give some guidance. 


    • nobody

      Snap out of it and stop acting like a spoiled rotten little brat.  If you’re even IN college means you’re more privileged that ALOT of us out here in la-la land.

    • The gadfly

      I have been where you are. Your problem is you’re raw energy looking for an outlet. Find it. Have the confidence and strength to defend the choices you make. The only person whose opinion you should listen to is your own. Be amazing. Be awesome. Don’t let failure, or fear of failure hold you back. There is no mistake you can make that is worse that not trying. Best of luck.

  • I pretty much just want to die because I don’t think I was meant for this world..  Peace out

    • Annalese810


  • Jojirojas4

    WOW, great post James. Very original, you made some excellent points. Reading it made me feel better… even if it’s just a little bit better, but it’s just the push that I needed, to rethink the suicide bit. I say that it’s ultimately me who has to like and care for myself, more than anyone else out there; and regardless of what they are doing or if they care or not. I decide right now to care for myself even if no one or everyone rejects me. I feel really sad and alone right now, depressed, judged, etc… but I just decided to be on my side, since it feels like everybody is so busy with their own lives to even return an email! This will pass, and I will be okay. Thanks so much for pushing me on the right direction James!

  • Brilliant insight, that it’s the horrible way we feel that is the thing we want to die. Truer words. Been there, done that, and don’t want the T-shirt.

    I got through the worst of it by changing my eating habits, because it helped to have something I could control via my own will power. That worked until I reached my goal weight. Then I had to find something else to focus on that I could improve. I find that having something I can change or improve to focus on keeps me going.

  • Cant15

    I read this review and all I can think about is dieing… I feel like there’s nothing in this world worth living for …I don’t see the point of life…I really want to die …I’m at the same time afraid of death …afraid of what is next in life itself…could it be worst is the only thing that runs through my head… I think about my christian background and everything about the sins…I do…like I had no choice but told to avoid while growing up… I look up at the stars asking for God…hell even Jesus and I feel like I’m talking to myself …I envy everyone that has something special in there life… I have no family close to me or friends I feel support from…I truly feel like dieing… If anyone wants to bring negative remarks, please do…maybe my life may not feel as bad… I don’t want to explain why I feel this way…I probably should be on medication of some sort…but naturally im not and I just see everyone in this world that has something special and I don’t have it…I’m not even emo if thats what some people think…

    • Tabula_rasa

      “To be or not to be.”  I’ve always choosen “be”, but I often wonder why. I can’t tell you that death will solve your problems, and I can’t tell you it won’t. But from experience, I know problems follow you wherever you go; facing the monster has always been the best way of defeating it. Consider the people who love you before you make a choice you can’t ever undo.

  • Andrea Aruna010586

    The only time I don’t wanna die is in my dreams. I have an image of everything going the way I wanted it to. My ex bf with me all the friends i likrd with m. When I wake up i realize how shitty I feel. People don’t understand why I’m sad all the Time bcoz I have a decent job, am smart and decent looking. But i always feel inadequate and have zero self love. If I could donate my life to someon I would.

  • Michael DeJong

    I . . . I want to die. I don’t want to commit suicide. I just do not want to live. I’m always depressed for no reason. I have a job, a car, friends, everything I want. I’m just always sad. I guess I’m just a sensitive guy that girls like to use. I do everything and anything in a relationship, yet I still get hurt. I never buy a girl things, I invest in her, invest time and spend time. I’m everything they want but it’s still not enough. I know my story is pathetic to the one’s above me. I’ve had many bad experiences. My father becoming paralyzed neck down when I was three, me taking a gun from my mom when she had it in her mouth, being sensitive in relationships and being hurt easily. No one would care about me, until after I’m gone. I have told my mom I think i’m depressed but she says nothing. She drinks every single night and yells, im here alone, my “step dad” at work. My two sisters are moved out and dont care to listen no one does. I feel like a counselor is just paid to listen. My family is mad at me for not seeing my father more. Thing is, I do see im, he is like a complete stranger to me, I never knew him. I was three when it happened, I know he loves me . . . he can’t talk and i dont know what to do. there is so much pressure on me to do great things. All I want is someone to hug and listen to me once. No girl wants to do that, they “never have time for ME” but with their friends? Yes . . . “doesn’t want to invest time into something that wont last” Never know until you try, go along for the ride.

    Even if a relationship is bad I still try to smooth it out and never break up with them. despite wanting too. They break up with me. I get hurt. Also, I’m “to perfect”. No i’m not. I just want to die. These thoughts and feelings happen every night. My last ex that “had no time” I see her everyday, she sits next to me in class which was how we met, its so horrible. She said she wont date for awhile and she still likes me. but when she dates, ill really die. i have nothing going for me right now. i just want to find a girl who’s into me. Thats usually the “me” in a relationship, just to know what it’s like to have someone who’s there no matter what.

    I’m 17, Michael, from Texas. In healthy shape… how i look? I can’t answer that. Im outgoing always making people laugh, but im hurting on the inside and… i dont know what to do.

    • Annalese810

      look sexy ur a great guy. fuck them hos…. im a model  n i still have momrnts of death. need to tkl to someone annalese810@yahoo.com

    • Champineteri

      I believe relationships are learning experiances.  There are things you are learning about yourself, and the girls who date you are learning about themselves.  Unfortunatly for you, you are attracting girls that don’t know what they want.  What is it that you want?  It is hard to figure that out due what you have learned from your own parants.  They love you, unfortunatly, due to their life experiances, they did’t know how to give you the unconditional love required to have you grow into a healthy young adult.  Thier parants didn’t either.  It’s an endless cycle.  If I have any advice to give, its to love yourself, forgive yourself always.  People are projections of yourself, parents included.  Love them as well, unconditionally.  Forgive them always.  Make the change in your life that you want to see in others, and you will attract like minded individuals into your own life.  And you may find, when you get to that level, that your old attraction to that girl will be different.  You wouldn’t “choose” her now your new insight into people and what you want.  Much love.

    • a_doctor

      Please don’t. There is someone for you, a “perfect one” and she’s waiting; be strong, be patient, and above all be merciful. Soon, it’s going to change.

  • I found this post after googling my most honest feeling at the moment, ‘I want to die.’   You saved my life tonight.  Thank you.  You at least gave me tomorrow.

    • Rasmus

      Grace, there is a wonderful thing about that feeling. Once you decide that nothing matters, then it doesn’t, and every moment feels like a gift. Let the pain die first.

  • Death is like a birthday gift, its impolite to open it before its time.

  • FuckIt

    Sometimes I just want to give up my life to someone else who would better know what to do with it.  I feel like I screw shit up too much.  

    • A Dad

      Dearest FuckIt, I’m not sure how to address your comment as you are probably my 17 year old son, who doesn’t really care if he is here or not and feels that he is simply a burden on anyone around him.  Sound familiar?  I’m hurting so bad right now I don’t know what to do anymore or whether I should be here myself.  If you can’t help your child feel worthwhile, then what are you worth.  I’m successful in business,  I’m 53 and my parents have passed, I have 14 employees and a company and bosses that count on me to help keep a company going, but really none of it means anything if you feel that you just don’t give a shit.  Don’t feel like this.  If something in your life isn’t what you want it to be, then find a way to make it better, make a plan and put one foot in front of the other and do something about it.  There are people who love you and need you there.

  • nobody

    So, this is your way of easing the guilt of not emailing your friend back.  You’re probably still that same self-centered person.  Get over yourself.  You should have emailed your friend back, you schmuck. 

    • carol

      I don’t know if I should feel sorry for you or not but I will cuz you haven’t known pain yet and it’s coming. Hang on. Life truly does suck. The longer you live the harder it sucks. May you live forever.

  • Dbockrath

    I really do want to die. Just can’t figure out how to do it.

  • This time of year I think about a nephew who at 19 hung himself off a bridge with an extension cord. It was several years ago but his is birthday was in the fall so that’s when I think of him.  I often wonder what it would have taken, what kind of words or action could another person have said or done that might have made a difference?
    I can’t ever answer that but after going thru depression for the 1st time in my life I woke up and decided I could only stay here on the planet if I felt like I was reaching out to make a difference in some way. 
    Thank you for sharing this story.  After reading so many of the comments here I will keep on writing and digging deeper.  I believe there is good in everyone and every person can amaze themselves.

  • Mike Strong

    listen to Pearl Jam’s “Alive”  Song is about Eddie Vedder finding out that the person he thought was his Dad growing up really wasn’t.  And his real Dad (whom he had met a few times during his childhood) had passed away by the time Eddie learned who he really was.

    • Bon vivant

      That is a good song. Thank you.

  • Vzgal

    i want to die. i don’t have anyone to talk to.

  • Anonymous

    I only hope that someone will come along and welcome my daughter into their home. She is 20. It was an emotional journey and now the edge is smooth for finally leaving the agony of life. Knowing the type of narcotic, amounts and timing while in the grips are the ingredients . Nothing is more selfish and, yet, I know a flat line will end at least my agony. I wish she was able to join me in peace. Please take good care of her. 

  • Wiggleitsilly

    I want to die.

  • I have pretty much been in a bubble my whole life. I almost never thought about the consequences of my actions or what effect they would have on other people, and when i did think about those things I couldn’t handle the pain and embarrassment I felt from it. I have never really done anything horrible to anyone or hurt or killed anyone, just myself. I think  a lot of that stems from how I was raised and sheltered. By the time I seen what the world was really like and how corrupt and unrelentingly unforgiving and brutal it is it was too late, I was already to far gone too set in my ways. I do things that are just stupid and I honestly don’t know why? Do I have a secondary thought process going on that sabotages everything in its path? Am I just a bad person? Am I so far out of touch with reality that I cant make educated adult decisions that have a good to moderate outcome? 
    I don’t want to be stuck in the position I am in now. About to above article, no I don’t want my heart to stop beating. I want all the pain and fear I feel to die, I want the panic and embarrassment I feel to die. I want the suffering and unrelenting stress to die. The constant cycle of the world, the repetitive “hell” that my life has became to die. If i knew where to start or how to make these things die I would kill them as quick as I could.
    I think the easiest thing to say is “I want to die.”
    The multitude of people who feel this way and the multitude of people who have killed themselves because of these feelings is staggering. Do I want to end up as one of these statistics? Of course not. But I don’t want to live every day of my life like it is now.
    I have tried to look at my life in a religious type perspective and rationalize why god would let this world go on as it does and why he would let his children suffer as they do.
    I realize we all make our own choices, most of them misdirected and uninformed. The way our country is our economy how the social standards of the world set the pace for people who have no idea what they are saying or doing.
    I just ask myself, would “god” want me to live my life like this? Should I endure these feelings and this pain?
    I am starting to ramble now so I am going to keep this brief.
    I know I need help, I know I have made a lot of bad choices and that is the reason I am in the position I am in now. I know a lot of people are in worse positions than me. I know I am no innocent victim or casualty of society.
    I just want this pain, this misery to stop.
    My point being will killing myself make this stop? Will it make me just go into nothing? For all I know it could make everything worse. So the choices I have are to live and suffer or die and befall a unknown fate.
    If any of this makes sense to anyone please let me know.
    I hope everyone finds some peace and the suffering in their lives dies.
    Thanks for taking the time to read and possibly relate.

  • Guest

    Many of you have written incredible stories, especially you
    James. What I want to do is shear my story with you all. I’m 18 years old, now I
    know that’s not that old. I’m not close with my families and I have a strong dislike
    for my father. I now live with my mother; I love her she has sacrificed so much
    for me. I have a small circle of friends in my high school and I’m into the
    arts or so it seems. Like most of you, I know of the black ooze. Now, I haven’t
    lost anyone in my life and to be honest I don’t really think I will ever loose
    someone like that other then my mother. (>James I only have one thing to
    tell you and people like you. Think how your child would feel if he or she knew
    how their death made you feel, put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel
    if your death was making a love one fell like crap, so cheer if not for you for
    her.<) Back to my story. I have never truly been through some of the stuff
    you guys have been through, but I have felt the void in us that black hole that
    sucks you in. In all honestly I think that that is the only true emotion I have
    ever felt other than the love and respect I fell for my mother. In school if
    you would see me  the worst you would
    think would be “Hey his kind of weird”  but you wouldn’t give it a second thought you
    would see me talking to my friends hating my teachers for giving me home work
    or laughing with friends. But I have gone through my life like you would have gone
    through a boring car ride, just paying enough attention not to crash your car. The
    silly hate I feel for my teachers it’s not real, the laughter I shear with my
    friends its not real, the only real thing I can fell is the void that swallows
    me. And as bad and cold as that feels it brings a peace to me, because that sadness
    is the only thing that tell me that I’m still alive the only thing that tell me
    that I’m  real not some fake thing just
    walking through life. And yes I too have thought of killing myself perhaps that
    is the only cure for some of us.  Now, I know
    that my story doesn’t even compare with what you have all written but I hoped
    that perhaps you could understand. Thank you for reading.

    (And don’t worry I would never dream of hurting my mother by
    taking her only child away from her.)

  • Yayoi4yaoi

    To be honest i’m a teenager that acts like an adult but gets terribly depressed when someone ditches her. I guess i should tell my story, though…in hopes that maybe someone could help me. When i was around nine or ten years old, my father left me, my mom, and my sister out of the blue to fend for ourselves. And of course, i got over it. and i’ve come to accept what he did. But when he left, i went into some …strange… depression (black hole? i guess) that i don’t even remember. all i know is that i couldnt feel ANYTHING at. all. Ok, i know maybe some of you don’t believe in what i believe in, and that’s perfectly fine with me because im ONLY telling my story. Anyways, one night(one of the few memories i have of it) i prayed to god because my mom suggested it. and when i did, i woke up the next morning feeling better than ever and filled with emotions again! 
    But I just want to say, that isn’t my problem. It’s only a part of my life i wanted to share with you all so that you might understand me better. My problem, the cause of my depression, is my best friend. It sounds stupid, right? a little teenager problem. But its not. I loved her…and we always seem to fight and never get along. But when i actually try to leave her because of all the sadness she’s caused me(almost resulted in suicide-just by being around her) she always comes up with some odd excuse to still talk. And, unfortunately, i’m very gullible. The most recent excuse was that she was in love with me, and wanted me to be her girlfriend.(around this time i was depressed and found a guy i really liked and that made me happy.. so when she told me it took a while for it to sink in) So, i thought about it a lot, especially since she already had a boyfriend(she said she got one because she didnt want to tell me the way she felt about me since it might ruin our friendship)..and finally i told her i liked her that way a little and she said that she would cheat for me because she loves me that much(yeah, right). So we began to date. The only problem was, we couldnt see eachother because my mom doesn’t like her. 
    So, i promised her that i would move in with her when i go to college(even when we were just best friends we’d had this planned out) and even this year when id get my drivers license i would go see her to hang out. But after we got together she never talked to me, and when i would ask why, she would constantly tell me that she was busy.(and yet i found out that she was always hanging out with her boyfriend) So, i finally told her that it might be best that we break up because i felt like i was ‘in the way’ and that it’s okay if she falls in love with her boyfriend because i had a wonderful guy i was slowly but surely falling in love with at the same time(yes,i know what love is btw)…but she didnt like the thought. She kept arguing with me..(yes, she starts fights 98% of the time she told me herself) and having talked before with the guy i love, he mentioned that i just need to take deep breathes and let her have her ‘temper moments’ and try to talk it out with her afterwards. 
    After that we didn’t talk very much, but when she would talk to me, i made sure to be extra kind to her and make her feel special….But even done that, she decided to stop talking to me all together two days ago. She does it all the time….and im tired of it! i only give and give to her and she throws every bit of it away every time. and then two weeks later she will come back to me telling me how truly sorry she is..and…i’m…so…….tired…….that i just want….i dont even know what i want to be honest. But im trying really hard to be strong in this situation(i’m going to see family tomorrow and im still talking with the boy i love and ill even hang out with friends sometimes) It feels like she is some giant blood-sucking parasite that just loves to come back and feast on me every two weeks -.- and i know that sounds disgusting, but its so true. I’ve sacrificed so much for that girl and she just doesn’t seem to care. I can’t even believe a word she says anymore, let alone look at her. And when i cry, what does she say? ‘wow, i cant believe your crying lol!’ (yeah i stopped telling her a long time ago when im crying) Notttt such a great best friend. But overall, thank you so much for reading this and please please help asap. i just want to let her go like the others, because i know its for the best. But she pushes me so far down that i feel like im dead on the inside. Anyways, please reply or just talk to me:
    yayoi4yaoi@yahoo:disqus .com
    P.S. im sorry for being so very disorganized on telling my story. It’s just difficult to put down all of this in a non-emotionally connected kind of way. So i guess it comes out in a more frustrated-random type way.

    • Your friend is toxic. You must let her go. Friendship should not hurt.

  • Gzaletel

     want to die because “This place sucks! Everyone is stupid and there are too many people here! The government treats us like filth. I have a DUI and the laws have gotten so out of hand that a person can lose everything because of it. On top of that, I’m broke and can’t pay the fine so I will go to jail. but Jail requires a fine. I won’t be making money in jail nor when I get out. What do they have to gain for my misery? I want out. They won’t let me get out. I’m going to be put in prison inside  a prison I they expect money for that. This place sucks! Goodbye!

  • Sepa

    life is not worth a dime……….it is no use living……..life is a great big hoax…….that’s why i want to die……i don’t want to live anymore…….plain and simple

  • Chrissdowney

    no i think i want to go,
    and i think i will, me has had enought me think’s.

    so not a good year for me.

    • Bwatty2


      I’ll bet that most people who read your post share your thoughts (including me). I have suffered with suicidal thoughts for years. I’ve even poisoned myself (now my stomach is a mess). However, over the years I have come to learn the following:
      1. Today isn’t quite as bad as I’m making it out to be in my mind (its a lot worse for many others);
      2. Tomorrow always follows today, and things will be different (for better or worse);
      3. The pain my death will cause to those who know me will last longer than the pain I’m feeling now;
      4. Helping others makes me feel better (go outside and do something good for someone else);

      I am a Christian. It’s taboo for a Christian to admit suicidal thoughts. We are supposed to have faith and joy in all circumstances. Well I’m also human and I have worry, doubt and fear too. I do believe that God is using all things no matter how painful, for good and that He strengthens us to overcome everything (eventually).

      Today I’m holding onto hope. Tomorrow I’ll do the same. This life will be over in due time, eternity is to come.

  • tina

    ok, i have read all these posts and i want to let people know that i have good friends, not many but they are good people. i have a lovely house i am trying to buy, two wonderfull dogs who rely on me daily, i love my job, i have no physical defects and look pretty ok for my age. so why do i feel like my inside and outside is covered with that black sludge?  the imbalance in my brain which gives me depression in over ruling. even with medication i am finding it extreamly hard to keep going. i have my religion and affermations but nothing seems to help slow the physical and emotional pain i am feeling. my body has gone into shutdown mode, occassionally i can get myself out of it but everytime i do bad things happen and i go back into shutdown mode, it is the only thing keeping me alive at the moment, but i am soooo NOT alive, what right do i have to feel this way knowing there are people out there far worse off than my life could eva get. but i can’t get myself out of this, can anyone help?  please?

    • Bwatty2


      Take a look at my reply to Chrissdowney, below. It is counter-intuitive to put yourself out for others when you feel like you need the help yourself. It is the most effective thing I have found. It is putting faith into action… the result is blessing on you. 

      You have so many good things in your life, but it’s hard to appreciate any of it when you feel like cr*p. I’m in the same boat.

      When I think only of my own troubles I get depressed. On the other hand, its amazing how strong and hopeful I feel, even in the face of trouble,  when I adjust my perspective to focus on someone else’s needs.

      And of course… keep praying, it works.

  • Spmlkljk

    Thank you so much. This is the best article I have read about wanting to die. It saved me!!

  • thank you for sharing

  • Miserable

    I found my mom dead on nov 3, 2003 and I still want to die. she had a heart attack….. I haven’t really cared about anything since then. I sometimes hate everyone, I hate everything, I even hate myself and look for the opportunity to end my life. What seems to stop me is the pain that my brother and sister would go through. I’m also married but he would be part of the reason for me to end my life. I’ve loved him forever but he’s always taken me for granted. Life has really gotten bad…. every time I feel sad…. I wonder where my mom could be. I think about her last moments alive…. Why wasn’t I home to save her? Was she calling for me? I don’t how will I ever live with myself. I’m only 28 years old and I am so miserable. There is truly nothing that makes me happy or content about my life. I feel all alone in this world…I cry so much that I have black circles under my eyes…. There is nobody that I can talk to because if I call my siblings, i will only make them cry too and they have busy lives.

    • Caioricci1

      Hi From Brasil.Please try to reach an EFT practitioner in your city.You will be amazed.



  • Beithwatson

    thank you it been a help

  • worthless

    I want to die i am worthless i know i am going to loose my job i think my wife is cheating on me ……..

  • Guest

    It feels like me being alive is more a burden to everyone else my boyfriends wants to do drugs but im not that kind if person he hangs out with highschoolers and i think thats weird considering hes 20 years old my own parents dont care about me so I live under someone elses roof at their expense my dad died and his last thoughts were how much he didnt care about me that was his confession to my brother I never mattered to anyone I wish I was never born so id rather be dead like I read in a previous comment sometimes u just die because living is too damn hard I feel like id be doing everyone else a favor….

  • Andy H

    I read Dave S.’s comments below and can unfortunately relate all too well.  My son died after a 2.5 year battle with a rare form of cancer.  I too can’t handle the pain and just last night was fantasizing about the guard rails or a tree – is it big enough to cause a fatal collision?  At night when I work late, I’ve written numerous suicide notes and moved to the balcony to fly the 18 stories to the pavement below.  Each time I’ve stopped – I’m not really sure why.  I’ve changed and can see it in the looks of others.  Dave’s question of is this still being alive is the perfect question to the way I feel.

  • Esistvollbracht

    Your post is well written and thoughtful and sincere, for which I salute you, but from my POV you just don’t get it.  This is shown by the very fact that you can list all those external triggers for your suicidal thoughts.  They were transient slings and arrows that came and went against your essentially positive, life-enjoying baseline.  That isn’t my baseline.  I don’t enjoy life, I have no hope, and I can’t look back to some better time.  I’ve tried various anti-depressants and they don’t even have the placebo effect which is all that can be expected of them (according to latest research), but they made me feel worse with their side effects.  I’ve tried various talking therapies (including the preposterous Cogntive Behavioral “Therapy”) which also made me feel worse (there are some signs that CBT will be debunked just as the serotonin-unbalance nonsense has now been debunked).  Various establishment organs claim that depression is “treatable”, but the falseness of this claim is glaringly demonstrated by the fact that depression and suicide statistics are spiraling out of control as materialistic western culture spreads.  I am middle aged.  My career never went as I hoped and I am now basically unemployed.  I have never had rewarding relationships.  My health will only deterioriate from now on.  I just watched novelist Terry Pratchett’s documentary about Dignitas in Switzerland and I wish I too could go there have my heart stopped.

    • julie

      Are you still here? I would like to talk to you.

    • Nobody

      Well said. It’s infuriating the way people think suicide is a response to a “temporary” problem. I’m in my thirties and have wanted to die since adolescence. I’m not depressed, I’m fairly easy-going and good-humored, it’s just that I’m an abject failure. I’ve always been afraid of the world for no reason. I can’t have a career or normal relationships. But I pay my bills each month and feign happiness. I have found the most beautiful bridge, its arching towers reaching high into the sky, and wonder if someday I could take flight to return to the sea from which all life came. Yet, I don’t want to hurt people who know me. So I slog on as well, comforting myself with thoughts of the bridge.

  • guest

    you know what i sick of what i am and thats why i want  to commit suicide

  • Richard Bust

    If you can keep your head when all about you
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
    If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
    But make allowance for their doubting too,
    If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
    Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
    If you can dream–and not make dreams your master,If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim;If you can meet with Triumph and DisasterAnd treat those two impostors just the same;If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spokenTwisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
    If you can make one heap of all your winningsAnd risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,And lose, and start again at your beginningsAnd never breath a word about your loss;If you can force your heart and nerve and sinewTo serve your turn long after they are gone,And so hold on when there is nothing in youExcept the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”
    If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,Or walk with kings–nor lose the common touch,If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;If all men count with you, but none too much,If you can fill the unforgiving minuteWith sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,And–which is more–you’ll be a Man, my son!

    –Rudyard Kipling

    • Guest

      But the whole point is “What if you can’t?”

  • Anonymous

    Thank you so much for posting this. I googled “I want to die” and stumbled on this gem. I am bipolar (not diagnosed til my 40s), lost my father when he was still so young in a drawn-out and excrutiating way, married a bipolar man who I loved and lost to suicide at 53.  One of our sons has bipolar as well and also a syndrome that presents like Aspergers in childhood.  He was finally diagnosed at 18 and this was in the days before anyone knew about these conditions.  He suffered terribly and I felt so helpless. I rebuilt a career out of nothing at age 51 only to have it stolen from me in the most unjust way possible.  Now I have Stage3 Grade 3 breast cancer.  All the chaos that accompanies bipolar has been a part of my life but I can especially relate to your description of constant fear about money, losing my home etc.  I did eventually lose my home but by that time I had managed to raise my children and it didn’t matter as much.  They are all doing amazing well, including my son with bipolar and I am very grateful that the most important goal in my life has come to fruition.  But I also always live, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I have lost that protective layer of denial that allows most people to go through life without constant fear. 

     I have worked like a slave so hard and now as old age approaches I have nothing.  I would never willfully cause my children more suffering so I am still alive too and finding joy where I can.  But it was so wonderful to read from someone who acknowledges the pain that never goes away.  it has been 10 years and I miss my husband every day.  I do believe that the suffering has made me a better person and for that I am grateful.  But I am so tired.  And most of all, tired of putting on the happy face for those around me.  So it was great to vent here and I got so much comfort from your post that tells it like it is without giving up.  Thank you.

  • Sandysouth

    No, I actually do want to die.

  • CannonFodder

         Oh man, You just don’t know.  Just like some people have the midas touch, some of us are radioactive.  People say “Oh, it’s you own fault” or even worse, something you can’t quite wipe off you like “Turn that frown upside down.” Some of us have really tried.  To uphold the tenets of the golden rule only to find out we have wasted our time/effort and no one really cares. That’s not true.  If at all possible, the first time you slip up, the vultures who watched you struggle and couldn’t have cared less, come and pick your bones clean of anything you have left.  Even hope. 

         I watched a horrible video of an asian girl (no more than 6)  getting hit by a truck and no one helped.  She was sitll alive and other trucks ran her over, people looked and walked by.  That is humanity.  A stinking cesspool of self-interest.  People cried over Michael Jackson’s death, Whitney Houston’s death but no one would help that little girl.  Those people had lives.  Fabulous wonderful lives that sadly ended tragically.  They, however have seen and experienced more nice things than any 50 of us combined.  Still, they cried and turned out in droves for the lavish funerals that could have fed millions of people.  No one could spare the time to even kick the girl out of the way.  Maybe if she could sing…

         The vagrant on the corner asking for spare change for something to eat?  Piss on him, he’ll only spend it on booze.  Something convenient so that you don’t have to feel anything but derision and revulsion.  Put yourself in his shoes though.  Would you rather eat and then slowly begin to starve and freeze again or get polluted on rotgut and feel warm and loved if only for the briefest of moments?  No one is coming up to hug the dirty hobo or affirm him as a human being.  He should get a job!  Good luck getting a job with no identification, education or for that matter teeth. 

         Suicide however is illegal.  You are allowed to work yourself to death working 3 jobs to make ends meet.  Sleeping little, eating garbage and never getting anywhere.  You are allowed to waste away in a hospital bed for years, eating up the savings that you put away for your children. languishing pitifully until you  finally, mercifully succumb to whatever disease that you knew was incurable from the start.  You can watch your family mourn you while you are alive and see the pain and torture in their eyes.  Suicide, however is illegal.  Why? Because your suffering is not only profitable, but entertaining.  Am I lying?  Failblog, America’s Funniest Home Videos, You tube, just about every single newspaper and newscast ever made….

         Whoever said that you can’t get blood out of a stone, never heard of death taxes.  WTF?  The government gets one last kick at the can?  Hell, you aren’t going to be feeding them your money for “Letting you work in this great land of ours.”  so just before your dust goes unto the rest of the dust, we’ll hook your grieving relatives for a few extra dollars.  If you were leaving a cab and the driver said “5 bucks to unlock the door.”  you would look at him like he was insane right?  Maybe even start laying about with your briefcase / duffle bag while screaming that you are being abducted.  No, the government does not care about anything but money and re-election.  You, on the other hand are a battery like in the Matrix.  Only there to feed the beast. 

    I am about to lose a bunch of you because you don’t want to face the truth about yourselves but that won’t stop me.  Cowards.

         Heaven help you if you are a minority without money, position, connections or influence.  If you are not handsome or really exceptional in some way.  Best of luck.  Part of the reason that we are in the mess we are in is nepotism.  Hiring friends and relatives to fill positions that should really go to the best qualified.  (Where you were schooled and the resources you had may have a little to do with that though) You may have heard about the hidden job market.  Guess who it is absolutely intangible to?  You got it!  Minorities!.
    You don’t really know rejection until you have a door slammed in your face that you haven’t even knocked on yet.  Phone interviews – forget it if you have an accent.  We are so politically correct that we don’t call it racism but statistics show that Whites will not watch movies that star a Colored (any swarthy race) lead.  It just isn’t interesting to them.  Picture the Godfather with Non-Italian / Whites.  I’m sure that you can see the portrayal in your head -> Lawless anarchic mayhem, reckless and degenerate gunplay originating from a bunch of rabid dogs.  Just to shorten this missive a bit I’ll skip the charge / conviction rate

         Women? The weaker sex? Hah!  Please spare me the rhetoric.  Women control the world with beauty and vaginas.  Men will do anything to sleep with a beautiful woman.  The fact that you cannot beat them just makes them abuse the hell out of it.  They can dress in clothes that would make a hooker blush three different shades of shame, but I am a pervert if I look sideways at them while in the embarassing state of not being rich, good-looking and available.  They call us shallow.  How many women do you know of that date cashiers at McDonalds?  How does it happen that womens issues and womens rights now supercede any rights a man could have.  No one consoles a man for his losses.  When there is a divorce,  people circle the wagons around her and ostracise the man.  If a man cheats or wants to end a relationship he is automatically the antichrist, whereas given the same position a woman was abused or wasn’t getting what she needed from the relationship.  So she gets the house… and the car.  Men are often accessories in a relationship,  There but for the grace of “HER”.  That “HER” has free rein to act irrationally and abuse the man in the relationship claiming PMS.  Let a man try those antics and it is straight to JAIL for him.  Men aren’t allowed to be hurt in any way, so they put on the front that society tells them to – hardass.  Then women say that men are inaccessible and cold.  Let him show a little emotion, even the slightest crack in the armor and he is labelled an untouchable, unwantable wuss.  Men are only allowed to cry (a single tear and no more) if you have to shoot your own dog.  If it is your family…you have to suck it up.  The best part is that after 50 years, a woman just says “I have to find myself” and takes the assets you have built together and “finds herself” shacked up with Manuel her 20 year old, tanned and toned massage therapist while you drink beer and try to figure out what went wrong.  No one tells her it is a mid-life crisis or that she is being immature.  The fact is – Dude…you got old and she is done with you.  Now you can go die alone because no one cares.  Everyone cares about mom, no one gives a damn about dad.  Being male is a sin.  Punishable by the slow lingering death of all your hopes and dreams, while you watch everyone and everything around you take advantage of and suck the life from you.

    Do I want to die?  Why the hell would I want to live?  It should be a criminal offence to have children and bring them into a sorry mess like this.  You should be hung by your toes, whipped and dipped naked in fire ants and salt if the poor child is unfortunate enough to be born male.  Maybe that is why women want them so much.  They don’t have to keep you or do anything of value for you but you can never get very far away.  You want to take care of your child so the “ex” can make you put up with all kinds of garbage.  Try it, you’ll see.

    At least when I’m dead, I can rest and no one can take anything else away from me or hurt me.

    • Michael Joseph

      You know exactly what you are talking about and it is all truth. A man is a guest in his own home.. The laws favor woman.More men commit suicide than woman..No mystery why they have shorter life spans..I can go on and on but you pretty much said all I could ever hope to dam

  • ben carter

    I know that thia might not mean much, but i wanted to die after my fiance made me chose between her and the marines. I felt like shit and sti do. Joining the marines was ny life long dream and she rook it away from mr but i couldnt leave her because i loved her too much. I still dont know what to do and keep thinking that i want to kill myself. If anybody can help me, my name is benjamin carter and im from albertson nc but now in charlotte. Look me up on fb and give me suggestions. Thank you.

  • Robert

    I really do want to die and I want to die soon. My life is nothing but bad luck..I have the biggest heart of gold in the world and will do anything for anybobdy but I always end up screwing up my life.

    • Just me

      I too have a “heart of gold” and do my best to always treat others with nothing but kindness & respect – life my life by the Golden Rule.  Unfortunately, many see that as a sign of weakness and attempt to take advantage of this kindness.  Still I turn the other cheek and walk away…. I just cannot stand being around mean/selfish people.  I understand what you are feeling.  Please hang in there and don’t give up….not many out there seem to have a good heart these days – you’re a rarity – and people like you are needed in this bleak world.

  • Just me

    I want to kill many awful feelings too, and sometimes they don’t go away, of which makes the thought of death that more attractive…to move onto the next thing. However I have a schizoaffective son who needs me to survive, so I just put away the notion every time it comes and try to remain above ground for another day.

  • Notreallymyemail

    nobody wants to die ? bs

  • Just_passing_by

    I want to die because life is so meaningless…just round and round waiting for the death to come to let you go home (or puff into nothingness if you do not believe life after death). Even when you are successful, have tons of money and such, at the end of the day those are still meaningless.
    We put importance to this meaningless life to basically to keep us going…

  • Me

    I’m sorry for your pain.  I just started cutting myself, and don’t know how to stop.  I feel no one will understand me, my abusive past.  I’m almost 38, and can’t find somene to love me in a good, pure way i deserve.  I feel the oxygen around me is meant for others worth living, and that I’m just a dirty person that doesn’t make a difference.  I’ve lost contact with my church, because I’ve allowed my past to over-rule my heart and have the unability to close to people, except the wrong kind.  I want to die, every night.  I put on a smile everyday and pretend.  People say I’m fun, always making them laugh.  I feel I have to fake it every day.

  • Guest 101

    My parents are divorced and it makes me feel like im just nothing all my friends parents r together and i feel left out my mom has a boyfriend and i think she spends to much time with him.My sister i love her so much got her boyfriend in february but its my moms boyfriends nephew he has a kid with a 16 year old he cheated on his other girlfriend im scared for my sister no one understands why im sad or feel my pain it sucks because my sister wants me to not tell my parents when he comes over my dad works at night and we live with him we go to my mom on weekends and breaks.I dont want her to get hurt or anything i cry and cry but i dont know i think my mom and my sister put their boyfriends first and im just there

  • Want2die

    it’s been 25 years and I STILL WANT TO DIE!!! It NEVER gets better!

  • shane baker

    Thank you <3

  • ajy

    My depression started some in my teenage years, but mostly in my 20’s.  I married young at 21 years…it was good marriage in so many ways, but had it problems that after one child and 20 yrs of marriage ended in a divorce with him remarried six months after our divorce.  During that time along with my dad’s death, and the economic breakdown of the construction industry, which is my field of expertise, ended with me having to sell my home basically just to get out of it.  I tried to move across country to be closer to some family after three years of not being able to find a job.  My daughter (only child) is off in the USAF in Germany for about six years.  All of this with a predisposition to depression and severe anxiety has left me broken.  I thought of suicide constantly up to February of this year when my doctor had me admitted to the hospital and took me off on medical leave from my job due to treatment.  I had ECT (shock treatment), but it didn’t help for long.  I am not quite as bad, but still struggle daily with the idea of putting an end to the daily pain.  I feel the distance it puts between my child and myself since she has grown.  My lie feels scary.  I have waited a long, long time to truly feel better.  I want to get better, but I don’t see the answer in the near future. 

  • You’re A Sandwich

    You’re a pretty sloppy writer.  Your inclusion of a list filled with horrible grammer is presented as evidence A.
    Please stop writing about topics you only know about from afar.

    • nullhogarth

       Obviously you read a very different article from the one I read.

  • Dogboy

    didnt help

  • Squirrel32910

    I want to die. I’m tired of living this life. I’m tired of being told nobody wants me. I’m tired of being fat, ugly, worthless, jobless, and above all not having somebody to love me for who I am. I just don’t want to do it anymore. No man is ever going to want me, to love me, and to be with me. Ever. I had a guy, but all he ever wanted was sex and when I said no I took on verbal beatings. This isn’t love, but it’s all I had. He was all I had. He was right, nobody wants me, nobody ever will. Let people kill themselves, let them be free. Don’t feel bad for those of us who die by our own hands, we WANTED that! I will be killing myself as soon as I get the strength and the means. Let us be free.

    • Whyyyy

      I’m sorry for you. It breaks my heart to hear you, but I understand. I hope you find your peace, whether it be here or in your next life.

  • Julinam5

    I’m sitting on my bed right now crying cause I’ve been thinking & wanting to kill myself.. I’ve struggled with depression all my life.. I’m a sad lonly girl who doesn’t have lots of friends & I’m always fighting with my family.. I don’t know who to turn to for help. Death does scare me but then again maybe I’d be happier??!! I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this – I’m not trying to feel sorry for myself.. I know others have it much worse… I just don’t know what to do with myself..

  • Whyyyy

    I’ve wanted to die for 11 years now. The only thing that’s stopping me is my mother. And sometimes all I can do is think about how sad she would be. And even that doesn’t work all the time. After she’s gone, I’m gone. Why do I have to stay in this living Hell? I’ve spent too long wanting to die; I’m ready. i want my heart to stop.

  • Mred

    Well good for you…   :(

  • Very well put. We don’t want our heart to stop beating, to take that last breath. Nor do we want to leave our loved ones. I always think of the poor individual that has to clean up the mess. We just want to stop hurting, we want to escape the situation. I’ve been on both sides of the equation. Wanting a way out, so mired in persitent negative thoughts, ready to end my life. I also know what it is like to lose a loved one to suicide. My brother completed suicide 7 years ago. It hurts to this very day. I fight the melancholy days and strive to live a more stable life.

  • I already am

    I want death of my rape, which will never go away. I want to kill the part of myself that is so unloveable that someone I love would rape me and that everyone I’ve loved since couldn’t handle. I want death of the part of me that needs love at all.

  • sado123

    I just want death yes I do want my heart to stop beating because in all honesty I have absolutly nothing to live for and thats a fact and no one would miss me my mother hates me I hav’nt seen my dad in years I have no friends at all I never go out I never do anything anymore Im just living for the sake of living and thats not enough because life is too painful

  • Linda

    I am amazed that after decades of dealing with such issues, that you have expressed the feelings in a way I have never realized or been able to.  You are right – it is not my beating heart that I want to stop.  It is all of those things.  I cannot thank you enough for your helpful counsel in making this post – more gratitude and more helpful than my words can express.

  • I think you are right,  digging deeper is the answer.  When one realizes that it is not death one wants but rather the elimination of emotions, one can be more free.

    Emotions are like the weather, they change on a constant basis.  Don’t like the weather?  Just wait a day or two and the weather will change again.    

    Thanks for sharing your story,  I think it resonates with people.  I think it will help people too.

  • Sarah

    Who ever reads this page, please read my story. I won’t be here much longer and I want to leave something behind if I succumb to suicide. I am amazed I am still living, and don’t know why I continue to live every day. I lived a normal life as a housewife in suburbia with three beautiful young daughters. We lived a very average, lovely life. One night my husband and I made a stupid decision and hung out with a person we hardly knew and got caught up in a highly publicized sting operation…for bestiality. We were both present at the scene, and were charged with conspiracy to commit bestiality. We had never been arrested before, we didn’t even know what was going on. I had never committed the act and did not know why we were arrested. Our mug shots, along with the story that we wanted to fornicate with animals, went all over the news, on every station for days. Everyone we ever grew up with locally instantly knew the “story”. I can’t think of a worse thing to be humiliated for. We lost our jobs instantly. We lost everything financially. I was humiliated to the point where I could not function and went into the mental hospital.  while in treatment, and finally, when I thought I could take no more, someone called Child protective services and alleged we must have molested our children. All three were taken. We haven’t seen them since which was 4 months ago. We don’t know if we will see them again. There was no evidence, we never were convicted of any crime as of this comment, and we had clean records. I lived for my children…so did my husband, and they have litterally been taken, without any form of visitation. I wanted to die SO MANY TIMES and fantasized about it. I already struggled with depression historically. I decided to stay alive in the event my children were returned. I tried to get myself together. One day a strange man who saw me on the news before, targeted me and pretended to hire me to do a job (Im a photographer.) It was my first time venturing out of the house in months because of depression and hopelessness. I had no life, no children, and zero money. I went to do the job. Instead of a job, the man drugged me, tied me up, and raped and beat me for two hours, then finally let me go. I now live with nightmares of financial ruin, loosing my children, going to prision for molesting them, ostricization of loved ones and freinds from the bestiality incident, and lastly, I relive the memories of being beaten and raped over and over. I have no money for therapy. I have wasted away. I have lost who I once was.
     All of this has happened in 4 months. I have ZERO desire to live. I am astonished I have not yet killed myself and think about it almost constantly. Fantasizing, looking for opportunities. People say “things will get better”. it is hard to take when you know, that no one will ever forget you as the “girl who wanted to hump a dog” and that has spread worldwide via the net. No one understands the pain to have ALL of your children ripped from you and falsely accused of molesting them in horrible ways. No one understands enduring this…only to be brutally raped, and the psychological effects of being beaten and raped alone overwhelm me. I’m an intelligent person, not a drug abuser, always was an “over achiever”. I think of it logically…the track record here is going downward…what possible logical reason could someone in my shoes expect for things to improve? I, like the following poster, feel a life that has changed my soul…it has taken my inner being, killed me like a cancer, and I don’t know if I will ever be the same. No one knows how much of a struggle it is to live every single day. I have lost a fundemental sense of belonging. I have become a burden, friends stop talking to me because I have no good news to offer, and its too much for them to digest. I don’t want to do this to people anymore, to be this living disaster of a person that people have to worry about or deal with. My husband feels the same way. We’ve planned various ways of killing ourselves together. Friends removed me off Facebook in droves, even though no one knew I had done nothing wrong. I still get death threats, and only hope one day someone will do it so I do not have to burden my family with the pain of suicide. I have read up on suicide, studied psychology in college. Its not often someone suffers so many losses as I have all at one time, and my chances of suicide are off the charts, I’ve already attempted twice. People around me are in denial, and chastise me that it is a selfish act. Why? Because they don’t want to feel the pain of seeing me die? Try living in my shoes! Have a shred of humanity and LET ME DIE@898a8a096a98c033a1654624b18b4ff8:disqus  yet everyone around me seems to say “oh things will get better”. No one realizes what a fight every single day is to live. I see no future, I see no hope, I have lost my livelihood. The worst thing a person can accuse a suicidal person of, is selfishness. In my mind, I wish to remove myself from this world, and the burden I feel I have caused, to all my loved ones. They deny the burden, and say no I’m a “great person”.  but I know if god existed, and he wanted me to be a mother, I would have my beautiful girls back. I have no hope of ever having the life I had again. To me, suicide is truly waking from a nightmare that is this life. This life does not feel real to me anymore, and living a life free of pain, moving on to where I need to be. If anyone here can truly help me before I end my life…I welcome it, as I know my risks are high but I don’t know how much longer I can stop myself. I will honestly say, if only one of my burdens could be lifted, I could have the desire to live. Small things, like helping me get a new job after the loss…helping me keep my home…helping me get out of the house and live a normal life. No one cares enough, and here I am, on this anonymous forum, where it will never likely be read.
    You can see me in person if you facebook me…just search “sarah dae walker”. Sincerely,Sarah , sarahdae@gmail@gmail:disqus com

  • Ryrey

    There most certainly are people who want to die.  People who just want a peaceful, humane end.  You’d give it to your dog but not to a suffering human being.  You can’t create a sick, twisted society and expect everyone to acclimate.   

    “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” Jiddu Krishnamurti

  • Very Tired

    Interesting thoughts about wanting to die. In particular, I agree with your point that just because someone else tells you that there’s something to live for, it does not mean that you will suddenly realize that there is something to live for. To make a concrete decision to die is something you reach after trying every alternative.

    Having said that, I want to die. I actually have nothing to live for. I was never married. I never even have had sex. I’m in my mid-30s and it is unlikely that I will ever have sex. I am transgender. Like your friend, I used to constantly sweat, because I had social anxiety. I was anxious about anyone seeing me as my previous gender. Now I’m the gender I want to be, but I cannot get a job and nobody wants to date me. I had a career before I decided to do something about my inner pain. However, when I dealt with my inner pain, the outer world began to hurt me. I have lost my job due to discrimination. I don’t want to go to court because going to court would mean publicly outing myself. That’s even worse than bearing with the discrimination.

    I really have nobody. I have no friends. I thought I did, but I really did not. When I was in school, my best friend died falling into a toolbox with knives and screwdrivers piercing his body. I got another best friend in college who died in a road accident. My family was always poor, but my dad and mom worked hard. They provided for me, but I could not provide for them in their old age because I was transitioning genders. I could not help them. Besides my parents, nobody on earth cared for me. I looked ugly, and then I looked transgender. I was an outcast, always have been. I don’t see the point in hurting anyone else. It makes better sense to remove myself from the earth.
    Yes, I do want my heart to stop. I think everyone must have the right to do that. Forcing someone to live a painful and miserable life is cruel. I’m a coward though. The only reason I do not kill myself is because I’m scared of the pain of death. I don’t know if it will hurt. I have heard that it does. When I overcome the fear of pain of death, I will be no more.



  • datadink

    Interesting post but after reading it I am still comvinced I want to die. I pray to a god I don’t believe in asking him to let me die with dignity. He never answers. Eventually I will summon the courage to end my pain.

  • XYZ

    i am jst fed up of life. tho i read many inspirational thoughts of many bt none can console. i dont know at what moment of life, my life vl breath a last. evryone depressed me including my parents friends n love too.

  • Jane

    This doesn’t even merit a response.

  • jason

    All of what has been described of the thought processes behind suicide definitely hit home for me. I have tried numerous times, but unsuccessful. I have never fired a gun in my life. I had a friend who shot himself dead, and I think, if I could just get a gun, and blow my ugly noggin to kingdom come, I would be much better off. But I am still here, and I just can’t handle it.

  • mckagansolger

    I really don’t think id pull a trigger, or step out in front of a train…but I just cant do it anymore…..I am not myself and don’t really even remember who I am. I am sad beyond my control over my brother dying, the physical,sexual and emotional abuse of my stepfather, the sexual, emotional, financial,physical abuse of my ex partner, the homelessness I faced when my ex partner beat me to a pulp but my mother decided that I had maybe provoked the sexual abuse of my stepfather and therefore would not give me a safe environment to live in leaving myself and my1 year old child without a home. I feel guilty that for so many years I have kept it together not showing a hint of desperation to those who don’t know the story and now find myself falling to pieces. I need medication to keep me from shaking like a leaf and stuttering like a fool but no doctor seems to want to help. death seems appealing living like this for much longer probably isn’t going to be an option in my state of mind.

  • lost

    In 08 I had my 3rd child on my own in cali. So I moved back to mich where my family was. I took at a train from cali. To mich with a newborn, 9 year old with adhd and emotional problems and my 6 year old. Once I got her it was suppose to be better for my kids and me. 4 months her my grandma passed away to her health. Then a year later my brother committed suicide due to his injuries in the war. Two months later my grandpa committed suicide. About four months later I lost two pregnancies. Then lost a good family friend. About 6 months after that my son gets taken from me Cuz of his actions with the law. I find myself today mad at my brother Cuz he did what I can’t do. Stop the pain. I got my son back a week ago and I already feel lost and hopeless. I don’t know where to go from here but I know I need to reach out.

  • Cherryl

    I want to die a whole lot of times. I always think, this person or situation cant die so let me die. I am so tired and worn out, mentally drained. I really just want Jesus to come take us all home but I need that to happen sooner than it is happening. I want out of this world because nothing is going to change. Things appear to change but they really do not change. People are the same – People Suck!

  • anonymous

    This is beautiful and so far has been the only article I’ve been able to relate to and agree with about suicide.

  • One can only guess how I found this randomly. I find a lot rings true… to kill the emotional root, or to numb the mind of the cause. It doesn’t change the situation to become immune/deadened to it though. Dave Sandrowitz, your last sentence couldn’t sum it up any better.

  • Slob

    I wish death to my morbid obesity. I wish death to my continuing poverty. I wish death to my loneliness. I wish death to my isolation from the world. I wish death to whatever it is inside of me which always says the wrong thing and embarrasses me. I wish death to my self hatred which grows with every passing day. I wish death to the part of my brain that never produced enough ambition. I wish death to myself.

  • Bre

    I just lost my baby almost going on 4 weeks :( it was a miscarriage so we never wanted found out the sex at first it went from being vary scared to vary heart Brocken im in a dark hole that I feel I well never get out of I’m worried scared tO try again I feel I well be alone I thought this baby was my purpose in life didn’t realize that until it was to late I have no reason to be here no more I bage god every day I wish it was me instead of my baby :(

  • i just now found this on google search results for “i want to die”. i do. i just dont make contribution (which is bullshit. i damn well DO make a contribution. im a woman and i have life recently and no one can do better than that but as usual, being a woman, im too hard on myself, and its the damnedest thing). but i just dont care about life anymore. im tired of living. i dont do anything in general, let alone anything right. i have a son. hes 5 months old. i feel bad about wanting to kill myself but i just dont know why im even here anymore because im worthless anyway, so what can i do for him. its stupid but i want to teach him all these different things i’ve learned about life that i KNOW will help him, and i have SO much to teach him. I want him to love himself and get whatever he wants in life and evrything else under the sun. but at the same time i just want to die sometimes. just lay in bed all day and not talk or eat or go anywhere. not eating i can do. im fuckin fat as hell. 5’7” and 150. mom says im slender but i always think im fat as hell. i want to be like anorexic skinny. i think that will look good. i dont have any men in my life besides my brother. he’s younger (age 20) and i know he wouldnt like it if i talked like this (i’ve done it before and it worries him) but i wanna die sometimes and i cant ignore it. i want to be with my son but at the same time i dont want to be in this worthless world anymore. i cant even get a good man (and im by no means ugly, and i only know that from all the strangers – men and women- in public who tell me so) buti just cant get a decent man. just losers who take whatever they can from me and they leave when they get bored? not sure. but i’ve been used and drained and left in the ditch more than once. that has finally turned me into such an asshole that i never talk to ANYONE. not even girls to make friends. i just dont want anyone in my life. mom says that cant happen, and i’ll eventually want a man blah blah blah what bullshit. i just dont care anymore. what i REALLY want, deep down inside, is to SOMEHOW be able to forgive the “men” in my past that shit on me so much. but i have NO IDEA where to start. is it even worth it? i’ll kill myself before i bother with men again BUT this hurt from my past is eating me alive.

  • laurie

    I typed into google I want to die and this page came up. Interesting, but for me not so true. I WANT TO DIE. I want the continual pain and grief over lost relationships and dead relatives to go away. I want the loneliness to stop…I just am tired. I cant smile when my heart is so broken anymore. There is nothing left for me. My family has moved away. I dont speak to any of them. I dont have a friend in the world. The man I live with uses me and casts me aside when he’s done. I want it all to stop. just stop. I guess I better keep looking …

  • AnyOtherName

    I still want to die. It’s because I don’t know who I am. I’m afraid of living. I hate myself because of all my faults, fat, afraid, no self-confidence, anti-social, stupid, afraid of living, etc. I hate myself because I want to die. I hate myself because of my lame reasons for wanting to die and how much pain other people suffer and survive – I’m a wimp. I hate myself because I’m my own worst enemy.

  • Daniel Mitchell

    I have prayed for death most days of my life since I was 12. My first thoughts about my own death came earlier, but then consistent desire started at 12. By 15 I became angry with God for not taking back my life. Killing myself was not an option. Twice I opened the skin on my arm to expose the veins. Both times knowing hell was on the other side of that final cut stopped me. Not the desire to live. In my anger with God, I swore that if he would not take me, I would not live my life. I’m 41 now. Any pretext at living my life has been show. For times I have done well. Briefly I can forget and live. I now find myself having shunned God’s gift for so long, I believe hell is my destiny regardless. Living is painful. This is what I mean when I say I want to die.

    • lostmind

      Daniel, I feel your pain, as I have been there myself so many many times. You are never going to go to hell unless you renounce God and Jesus. Do you have any faith at all? It takes faith the size of a mustard seed to get into Heaven if you accept Jesus as your savior. That is what keeps me going sometimes when I have that blade in my hand and blood on my mind. (To cut myself) Try to embrace a gift he has given you, maybe your health? (If you are healthy) It may be a hard road back, but I believe you can find yourself feeling you are in God’s good graces again. Until then I hope you have some measure of peace. God Bless!

  • Orson

    It’s an untrue statement that “nobody wants to die” Many want to and do everyday.

  • Lostmind

    I have been suicidal for 20 of my 32 years on earth. Even though I’m married, I feel so alone. No one in my family understands my depression and my hopelessness. But they haven’t all gone through what I have. Here’s a short version of my story. Abused as a child, physically, mentallly and sexually. No one in my family believes I was sexually abused. Makes it hurt all the worse. I have been depressed and suicidal since I was 12. At age 14 I started cutting myself. I didn’t understand it because it wasn’t talked about back then. I just knew it took the pain away for a time. I moved out of my folks house at 21 and then moved in with my boyfriend shortly after. He began cheating on me, mulitple times. I forgave him multiple times. I have low self-esteem, if any and what he did made the pain so much worse. I eventually ended our now engagement after one too many nights out with another woman. I ended up broke and moving back in with my parents. Later I met anther man, my now husband, and I thought my life was taking a turn for the better. We got married after two years of dating and are coming up on our 7th anniversary. But it hasn’t been easy. We fought for the first few years, never made love, and it eventually led to me leaving him for a bit. We were separated for not quite a month. I had met someone during that time and he turned out to be a jerk and hurt me badly. So my husband and I got back together. Then I got pregnant. Not even a month along I lost the baby. That killed me inside … the me that was left. Then to try to make things better, my husband and I decided to renew our vows in a church. We did and it was lovely. Then less than two weeks later he calls me in the morning to tell me he’s gay and he’s leaving me. For my brothers best friend. He destroyed my family for a while and all I wanted to do was die. I stopped eating, showering, doing things I enjoyed. I just existed during this time. Then eight months later my mom passed away from cancer. I lost it again. And got back together with my husband who now says he’s bi. But I can’t forget that time period and what he did to me and my family. I love him but I am holding something back. In the meantime my depression and anxiety have gotten exponentially worse. I lost my job because I broke my leg and didn’t have any pto as a new employee. And my husband just lost his job. So no more health insurance, and I have to keep an eye on my broken leg. I wish I would have broken my neck in the fall and been killed. But life is not that kind. I would give up my life in a heartbeat to save someone else, but it doesn’t work that way. I wish it did. If so, my mother would be alive and I’d be dead. The only thing that’s kept me alive as long as it has, is the fear of going to Hell. But I’m afraid even that may be wearing thin. I also think a lot about my family and how it would hurt them but I feel like in the end they’d be better off. I have no money, no job, major debt and I’m just a burden to my husband and family. So someday maybe I’ll get the courage to do what I’ve been dreaming about for so long. It’s funny, some people’s life dreams are to become an actor or work for NASA maybe become a brain surgeon … my dream is to finally have the guts to kill myself. How sad is that?

    • I caught your comment on the sidebar of today’s post, and was hoping to give you a little encouragement. Break down today into little things. Maybe you feel this way today, put off the thoughts until tomorrow–if you push them off a little bit at at time until they become softer. Look at the most beautiful tree you can find outside the window, and think of how very many times it has lost its leaves and allowed them to grow back again. Pretty soon there will be the tiniest buds emerging, even poking through the last snow of the season, and the leaves and flowers will follow. I wish for you that you will wait to see those flowers, and some time down the road be grateful that you waited around for that beauty and peace. My thoughts are with you today.

      • lostmind

        Dawn, thank you for your kind words, I just saw this today. I’m going to try to take your advice but it’s getting harder. Today is my great-uncle’s funeral, and my cousin’s wife, my uncle’s daughter in law, will be following him to Heaven in just a short time. It kills me that she has a family, wonderful family, three beautiful kids and a great attitude … but she’s going to be taken away to Heaven early. What I wouldn’t give to go for her. =o( But you are right, I do see things as a huge picture and need to try to take things a day at a time. Thanks again for your compassion and advice!

        • See, you did it–you made it a month. And that is a big deal. It’s a high five, a congratulations:) I am even including the smiley there… I’m sorry for your cousin. It seems like the tragedies of your family just keep piling on. I hope you will find something that gives you hope within yourself. Something that is only you–maybe if you started writing this down to share with other people who have gone through this type of depression, suffering. Maybe if you got out with some positive people in the mean time because the holiday season is so very, very difficult if it’s not “the most wonderful time of the year.” It’s so stressful, and many people aren’t aware of that.

          Try not only breaking your day into one day at a time… Maybe one cup of tea at a time. Literally. Get up. Enjoy a cup of tea. Find something beautiful–lovely. Even something small. I’m always amazed by the sunrise, the drops of rain, the way the fire burns through the wood stove, a bird… there is always something that catches my scattered brain and holds it. I can say, “Wow. it’s incredible that I get to see that today. That’s just beautiful.” No…it can’t change the stress in your life, but the more beautiful seconds you have, they will start to make minutes, and hours, and maybe soon you will not need to focus all your energy into staring into your tea, you will look around and smile.

  • Chloe

    I want to die. Constantly. I’ve been unemployed for years due to severe depression and anxiety. No-one will ever want to hire me.
    I want to die because of how much I hate myself. I am not a worthy human being. I do not contribute to society. I am worthless. I am pointless. I deserve nothing better.
    I want to die because I am constantly anxious. If you’ve not been there, you don’t understand. It’s one thing to be anxious over a test, an exam, or something. It’s another to be panicking every time your eye twitches (maybe it’s cancer?) or your teeth hurt (it’s not just sensitivity, they’re all going to fall out) or your leg cramps (it’s not just over-exercise, it’s gangrene).
    Live like it. It’s hell. I want to die, because nothing can be worse than life.

  • John Love

    I found this article, because I feel like I want to die. Now I don’t have the guts to kill myself like many others feel as well, but I do feel like not existing. I just feel like a disappointment and can’t do much in general (i’m not good at anything).I’m a freshmen in college. I don’t know what to do with my life because I don’t know what i want out of life. (nothing satisfies me)I feel dumb, like I don’t know much and can’t relate with people in general(not very social and have no friends) I’ve always felt this way. Anyways, no one wants to be around me for these reasons.But I have also over time have hated spending time with people, just don;t like to be around people, when I do I feel bad about myself. I have many insecurities about myself. back to people not wanting to hang around me, i’m referring to people from my personal life not school (distant family, friends of my family,and people that i know from church). It didn’t bother me a lot until now. It’s just so awkward and I can’t avoid these people. I see them everyday, I don’t feel like I belong in my family. I’m just so different. These are just a few variables of my life that doesn’t sound like much bad but whatever. Oh…my parents are divorced, I don’t live with my father and it’s just so Awkward talking to him.I have a half brother that I never talk to I come from a devout christian home and everyone’s so f*cking judgmental. (I believe in God though) My parents don’t even know I “curse”.I used to secretly get really depressed, but no one would notice.I didn’t want them to. I’m so mellow, at times I feel old. Finally, i’m 18 and no one really knows me or gets me. This is very little information of the things I hate about my life.

  • no reason

    I want to die. I just wish I had the guts to do it. Fortunately, we don’t own a gun. I stay alive for my son, but that’s pretty much all I’ve got.

  • Heidi

    I’m scared of myself and I am scared of the answers to every shitty thing I serve up to the people I hold most dear, In truth I am a scaredy cat, This is the most honest thing I have done for years,thank you for the opportunity x

  • Heidi is a Gang Stalker

    I will tell you one thing that doesn’t take courage Heidi, its gangstalking. Especially the anonymous kind you are engaging in, reading peoples minds with satellites and trying to get people to commit suicide. That is not courage. Sometimes people doubt their answers because they are actually capable of taking the other side of their answers, because they can see the other side. People like you cannot do that.

  • bye

    I want to die and I will kill my self its just how and when. To my family. I can’t do this anymore every day I wake wanting the same thing to die. Bye Joey and Katie daddy loves you and misses you’s so much

  • Fey

    I never thought I would Google this topic. All this time I hear and watch on tv how people committed suicide, I wondered why would anyone want to end their life. I don’t want to kill myself, but living is not easy either.

    My dad and I often argue over small stuff, big stuff, any stuff. This time the issue is on Christmas party, sometimes I hate Christmas! It’s the time when we’re supposed to be happy and jolly, but I wasn’t happy. I guess my definition of happiness & my father’s are different.

    Sometimes I wonder why God took my mom, instead of my dad. I miss her every day.

  • Sarah

    This is incredible. You’ve articulated something I’ve been trying hard to put my finger on.

    The other day I made a post to close friends on Facebook:

    “I don’t mean it when I say I want to be dead. What I really mean is I want to say in bed all day and waste my life without consequence.”

    In reading your post, I realize that what I really want to die is the intensely self-critical voice that keeps me from taking time to rest.

  • Carl Thompson

    I have yet to hear anyone present a rational argument in favour of not dying. I want to die, but I have yet to work up the courage to put the pistol in my mouth and pull the trigger. Some days I get close. I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I want the pain to be gone. Life is pain, struggle and disappointment, then we die. Better to cut straight to the end and avoid all the misery in the middle.

    • evolutionaryrevolutionary

      pfft. Life is about the light you create. Read the Kabbalah. You are the catalyst in life. Nothing happens without you. Be the change.

  • J m

    When you have no bright future, have a dead end job, are always alone and haven’t had an emotional relationship ever, are broke and the opposite sex is disgusted by you, its time to check out. When you try to change everything and nothing gets better, adios! What some of you don’t get is that some of us don’t have options and when laughter is gone and no love has ever existed, there is only one direction to go.

    • evolutionaryrevolutionary

      shut up. kiss the ass of reality and become your own don juan. there is enough out there for you.

  • thomas rinehart

    Thank u I can see my problem I don’t want to die I want the bad thing that has happen in my pass to die thank u so much I’m Thomas Rinehart u help me so much thank u

  • mymy

    i want to die!! i just hate this world. the way were cntrolled the repetitive tstuff ever fucking week. im just sick of it. im sick of money sick of news sick of alot. i miss my father who passed away 5 years ago and i need him back. theres no point for me to be here whatsoever. i just wish i can push a button to die instead of actually doing it. i take adderall and barely eat. i pretty much starve myself trykng to get sick and in the hospital so i can die. i just hate it here. so fucking much, i havnt been happy in years and idk if itll ever happen

    • evolutionaryrevolutionary

      So prick your wrist or get up off the floor and fuck everybody else. This is the jungle. Eat or be eaten.

  • لمن اراد ان ينتحر او يموت اعطني فقط الفرصة الاخيرة لنتحدث

    Those who wanted to commit suicide or die Give me only the last chance, let’s talk

  • Sheila

    well, you started your post beautifully .. i loved it. i wish u had written more about ur friend. but u ended up the post in rush.

    i actually like that my heart stops beating. either i begin another form of afterlife or completely finish i m happy of it. i m realizing more and more every day that i m not part of this people .. nice people that i know they have died soon – or hang themselves in several situations i realized people dont have the affection that i have to every single creature. i got seriously sick for a year and nobody cared .. friends wanted to see me all the time but when i was sick nobody even responded to my emails. people love being with me because i have a loving heart and i see the good in people but i don’t see others be even little similar to me. i dont like someone tries to convince me .. that is reality. i always feel my soul is not part of this place. if u read this just pray that i die soon.

  • dis_quieted

    To anyone who is reading these comments, I’d like to offer you just a moment of my life… I see a lot of mental pain being spilled here. If you feel like death is your desire, ponder this:

    All humans are born.
    All humans suffer from sickness and pain of some kind or another.
    All humans die.
    These are inescapable truths. And you are human.

    You who want to die, I salute you, I honor you! You made it to today! I’m not joking… every damn day is a challenge, and a fight. And you have won that fight every day, right up to this moment. Was it easy? No. But you did find the strength, somehow, to get to another sunrise. Now, get to the next one…

    Someday, probably not tomorrow, but maybe sooner than you think, you will have strung together enough victories that you will be able to look back and be amazed at how far you’ve come. It’s happened to millions, and it will happen to you. All lives are filled with challenges. It’s up to you to face them and defeat them through consistent, ongoing action. That is what it means to be human. Join in.

  • Inpain

    I feel like i want to die today. The pain i feel is so intense and it feels like death is the only thing that will stop the pain, the isolation, the sense of helplessness and hopelessness. I was in therapy and it ended in the most dreadful way. I took a handful of pills to gain her attention as therapy had been going badly for a while and this was my last final act to try and say, help. She told me after this pill incident. “You have no respect for me, therapy is about change and you are not changing, i know when clients need me and you do not need me. You feel more for me than a therapist. Is this how you behave with everyone!! I can’t remember what else she said, i went blank, but the attack went on for about 10 minutes. She completely shredded me, she knew all my vulnerable areas and she knew exactly where to throw her sharpened knives and i have never got over it. This happened over a year ago and i feel the pain as acutely as i did then. Sometimes it feels that if i take my own life, it will make her realise how wrong she was, how cruel.

    • evolutionaryrevolutionary

      Pfft. You are genetic replication. Go out and make it worth the effort.

  • Inpain

    I want to die today. I feel like the only thing that will take this pain away is death. I have had a terrible experience with a therapist. I took a handful of pills to gain her attention, as things in therapy had been going wrong for some time and this was my last stupid act to say, Help. She said to me after this pill incident. “You have no respect for me. Therapy is about change and you are not changing. You feel more for me than a therapist. Is this how you behave with everyone?”. I went numb after this and have no idea what else she said, but the abuse went on for quite awhile. This happened over a year ago and i still feel the same pain as i did then. I don’t know how to get over this. How DO you get over something that was so incredibly harsh. I feel that the only way to say you have destroyed me is to die.

  • Albert

    Boy there’s a lot of people here i can relate too. I don’t if anyone cares, but i feel like sharing my story. When I was 16 yrs old, i was a troublesome kid, i went from homeless shelters (with my mom’s family 8 of us in a room) to orphanages (social services put me there) back home to my mother and step-dad who hated me and wanted me out. My mom bought me a ticket and told me to go see my dad, telling me he was rich and had a house and was living in London… After 11 yrs with no contact what so ever, i met a man, at the train station who looked homeless, that was sadly my dad. He lived in a small room with a sink and small fridge that contained remnants of a sandwich and he was manic depressed. He didn’t like having me around much, so he sent me to work at his friends butcher shop.

    Remember i was only 16 yrs old. nearly a year later, i bumped into my dad who had gone missing, he looked like he’s been beaten up and slept under a bridge,he was covered in pigeon feces and could barely walk, i tried helping him but he kept pushing me away telling me to go back to my mother who had already denied my return. After a few attempts to help him up, an old friend of his came by to lend a hand. I’ll never forget this morning, he looked at me said he was sorry and that he’s leaving the country and kissed me good-bye. I was so confused and shocked all at the same time, i just stood there speechless. Eventually, after what felt like an hour, his friend told he’ll handle the situation and i should come by later that the day. So, I walked away, which till today i’ll never forgive myself.

    To cut a long story short, he went missing for a month, i ended up seeking comfort in a religious school for boys that brainwashed me to have faith and “god” does everything… A month later, my mother called (In 10 years she called me maybe 6 times, she was living in Paris). She told me that he had committed suicide and that the police identified the only remaining part of body not burnt to ashed, his teeth, and a video of himself buying a gas of tank nearby the scene.

    Thing in my life, didn’t become better until a few years ago, im now 30 yrs old.
    I did a lot of things, nearly lost my life a coupe of times in street fights and been depressed and so on.

    The point though i want to make: is that the reason why sometimes i want to die, is because i expect more, of myself and others naturally, but that never happens, life seems to be more about contributing than receiving. Outwards and less inwards.

    Right now, though i feel i can’t even be ‘outwards’. By nature or i suppose the events in my life have made me vulnerable to all sorts of stress related deseases, i am stressed now that i am stressed. I went to therapy which helped for years, but my therapist died recently. The worst part and it seems to be just my karma; i was talking to him about ending my life and after he died i found out that he continued to see me, even though he knew his days were limited. Now it’s hard for me to open up wit anyone and i have very selfish friends who are terrible listeners…

    It’s a rats nest,Thanks for reading, if anyone cared too…

    • evolutionaryrevolutionary

      Wow. Really sad. Remember you have the same form and genetic material as Prince Harry. Go out and fuck a courtesan- make you feel better.

  • passin through

    I’m at the point whereI have lost everything I ever worked for, and am alone. Can’t get a job, can’t get low income housing. It’s time to go. I’ve done everything I can to try to make it.

  • Face it for most of us life sucks. If you want to die then simply di it, jump in front of a treain, car, or truck. OD with medicine or cut /stab yourself and quit belly aching about it. For me I hhave chosen a slow painful deth hopefully soon. It isnt fair that peices of shit get everything handed to them on a silver platter practically but for those of us that are good get shit. Thats the way it is

  • soulless1

    Life is a series of ever increasing torments. If I could fail to wake up in the morning, it would be a blessing. The ONLY reason I am alive today is that I promised someone I care about that I would not actively seek my own demise. At some point in the future, relief from the pain of being alive will matter more than my promise. When that day comes, I will depart permanently. No regrets, no apologies. I hate being alive, and have for the past 30 years.

    For those of you who have something to look forward to, I am glad. Keep living, and enjoy.

    • evolutionaryrevolutionary

      Blah. Blah blah blah blah.

  • MiSeRyl3iTcH

    The reason I want to die, is because I sick of tired of people taking advantage of me. My own dad want get his own ways to take MY ssi money and the social services convince me that I’m not responsible ( which is true) and they treat me like crap because I can’t do anything. I am most FAILURE human being on earth and I wish I am dead everyday. I have thoughts of commiting suicide and unfair how life is, dad making lies and ruin every part of me. He doesn’t care about me, all he cares about the money to pay rent, food, and things for himself NOT ME.
    He doesn’t have a job cause’ he is not born in USA. I can’t stand up to myself, I’m just a weakling human that deserves to die.. I’m nothing but, money maker to my dad nothing else…

    I’ve tried to be perfect just to be normal..

    • evolutionaryrevolutionary

      so take a knife and stab it into your leg. You’ll realize how much you want to live and suddenly all your whining will seem like nothing.

    • Gravedigger

      So you wanna die because of your asshole dad? And no other reason?

  • TransMillennium

    Yes, its one of the first to appear when you google “I Want to Die”

  • Invisible

    This didn’t help me at all. I’m still invisible, even to family members. These situations never actually stop. I can’t control other people. I’m tired of giving and giving, then having nothing left for myself. I still very much so would prefer dying.

  • guest

    My dearly beloved husband passed away recently….and my soul passed with him.
    But instead of experiencing the joy he has, my body keeps me on this side to experience the grief…..and terrible lonliness……..no family or friends.
    I am disabled, although functional. And everyday is like the last one….not for lack of trying.
    Oh, I attempted to socialize, but a medical condition always seems to surface to ruin my plans.
    So I sit at home day after day…month after month…with my companion animals.
    And I watch tv, mostly DVDs and VCR tapes….and I go on the internet….just to express my worthless self.
    I came to accept this is my life now….as I let go of what could have been.
    I listen to each tick of the clock, knowing that each second I am closer to my total death….to being with my husband for all eternity…
    …..and I will never be lonely or sad or without LOVE again….

    • evolutionaryrevolutionary

      Rage! You are capable of emotion

  • kevin

    Old Russian Saying:

    The things most worth living for can sometimes make you wish you were dead.

    …It’s from a Kurt Vonnegut book I think.

  • Barb H

    This makes a lot of sense to me. I have felt like killing myself many times starting when I was about 14. No attempts but the awful blackness inside that you cannot squelch. Back story. Sexually abused by my older bro from @7-11. Mom knew but was afraid of him and of what might happen to him. He is now an awesome man and I love him dearly. I have forgiven him. It was not horrible abuse but I can see that it affected me adversely. I honestly wish I had done as my mom and my bro…forgotten about it. Our dad was gone for 3 years solid. No leave, no nothing. When he came home he had a massive stroke at the age of 48. He died slowly over the next 8 years. We also had a house fire which was humiliating to a 12 year old kid. House was rebuilt. Despite his stroke our dad was a great advisor and very intelligent. I’d give anything for my own children to have met him. Anyway I got to witness the whole ordeal my dad and mom went through. My mom was a saint. My older brother and older sister were gone for the worst of it. In school, then graduate school. Our dad died when I was home for Christmas break my sophomore year of college. I also became anorexic in high school and continued into college and beyond. The odd thing is I cannot remember having death wishes during these times. I did go to therapy in college. Wouldn’t you know it? The therapist had, had a stroke! My mom and I became very, very close. I felt responsible for her happiness for a long time. I got married young to a wonderful man that I thought was from a good family. Ha! They were cruel to me and never accepted me. Part of it was jealousy, part of it was that I smoked at the time (have quit for years now) part of it was that I am not outgoing…you name it. Can’t stand to be around them because they gossip like fiends. Finally made peace with the mom and dad but the rest? Forget it. They are all very money driven. Because of the nature of my husband’s profession we moved around. Good and bad points. He ended up making a lot of $. Privately held company that has a great track record. They fired him at the height of his career for a bad reason (nepotism) and moved us back “home.” He got a very, very good job but we no longer have the benefits that we once did (the huge dividends and bonuses, etc.) We ended up paying hundreds of thousands to the IRS because we had to sell private stock. We didn’t moan about it, just did it. It stunk because that $ was supposed to be our retirement and we would have paid the lower tax rate when he retired if kept working for that co. The past 10 years have been the blackest for me. Felt like we lost everything. Felt like I lost myself that I tried so hard to become. Lost all my friends from the prior place of residence. Lost my house that I loved and thought I’d live in forever. Lost the great schools for our kids. Husband would not talk to me or talk out his pain. Used to come home and immediately go to sleep. Would go for weeks saying maybe 8 words to me. I started to self medicate by spending $. Spent probably $3 million on nothing great. Did buy a house. Sold it for a $100K loss. Now all I have to show is too many tchokes and a huge closet full of clothes that are too small now! That makes me feel horrible every day of my life. Like such a failure that I wasted soooo much $ and now we barely have enough to retire on. I pray that my husband keeps his job. I never worked after we started moving around because there was no point. We were only in most places for @ 16 months and I had young children. Prior to I had, had a career type job. I often felt like nothing and in a black place when I was young stay at home mom. Got over that. Worst has been the past 10 years. Of course we moved back to where a majority of my husband’s relatives live. They act like “plain folks” but they are super money driven and impressed by $ big time. They hate me because I am different. I try to dress well and keep a beautiful house. I am way down in those aspects, too. My mom died 8 years ago and I have had terrible prolonged grief because of that. Now my son is feeling the blackness. He is suicidal. He does not realize how great he is. He is trying hard. He is struggling. We are both trying. We have the will to keep trying. I am trying to encourage him the best I can. I am trying to start a new life and be more social. I will not give up. I am trying to forgive all my past regressions and accept all the pain and move on. As an aside, my daughter went to pick up my youngest son from the family lake cabin when my mom died. The other gpa said to her, “heard your gma died. she was old anyway.” Our daughter called hysterical. My husband was going to call his father. I said forget it. Those people never once said they were sorry. All it took was I am sorry you lost your mother. That was all. Ugh. The worst is the vultures circling around them. My husband loves his parents. I am glad of that. He sees them and checks up on them and does what he can for them. The rest of them act all lovey dovey but they are not fooling anyone. Gpa and Gma are loaded. They are all hoping for a bigger piece of the pie. It is ugly and I hate it. NOMB…completely between the siblings and the parents. They paid for my sister in law’s kids college educations. They built her house. They buy her cars and you name it. I am glad we are not dependent. When things get so black and so awful and you feel like killing yourself remember to go on autopilot and keep one foot in front of the other. Kind of float and quit obsessing over the bad. I keep trying to tell myself that.

  • end

    It seems evident from this list that you have no concept of true suffering. Sounds like a housewife’s grocery list.

  • love love love this. thank you james.

  • Chadocat

    This is the closest reason for me wanting to die. I don’t think I’m suicidal – I went to that stage and just couldn’t do it. I know people love me and care about me and I don’t want to hurt them that way. However a natural death would be welcomed. I’ve been a failure all my life in everything. I’ve never had a career and never a job I excelled in. I never found that special lady that could really love me. Finally all I really want is my own house, in the country. I lived in a trailer in a rented lot for over 12 years, and I hated it. I couldn’t find a way out of it. Finally I found a house close to my dreams. I loved it. I lived there 19 months and lost it. Here I am 50 years old now and no further along life’s road than I was 25 years ago, but now with a mountain of debt and mounting health problems – that won’t let me die, but give me plenty of pain.

    No, I don’t want to die really, though I know it’s coming eventually anyway. Really though I don’t want to live in debt, live in poverty and to live with no hope of getting out of this hole. Without a wife or kids or anyone else that needs me, I feel like I’ve outlived my usefulness anyway. I always hear people say, “it can be worse”. Sure, and it always get’s worse. It also can be better, but never does, and all my attempts to make it better just fail and make it worse.

    That’s my story.

  • evolutionaryrevolutionary

    pfft. Death is a big fuck you! to the reality that life is about cheating death.

  • lifeaintallthatgood

    i feel like dying, all the time. no amount of pills or psychologists help. but now i feel worse, i told my parents i hate them and i which them dead. i don’t get on with them but i they just anger me and that’s why it all comes out. none of us can talk calmly.

    my mother told me she wishes she was dead. she was in hospital for ages not very well. but I’m worried she did it to herself because of me.

    so instead of just killing myself and pleasing everyone, I’ve made someone else feel just as bad as me. now I’m at my lowest, I attempted suicide a few years ago, but this hurts worse. i have no idea where to turn…….

  • Offended

    What a trite little ending. Sorry your stocks, your business…ha! Pal, you’re breakin’ my heart.

    • Don’t forget

      your house, your money… wow.

  • Ghost in McKinney

    My son got married Oct. 19. His new wife doesn’t like me, so I see less and less of him. We live 20 minutes apart, but I see him briefly every few months. I don’t have grandchildren, but I’m pretty sure they will not be available if they arrive.
    I’ll be 60 in June. I am alone. I am broke. My house is deteriorating around me. I have two part time jobs. Life is work and loneliness and abandonment and fear. I have lost my only child, not to death, but because I have no value to him.

    I have no value to employers because of my age. I have no value to my son and his wife because I have no money. I do not matter. I keep trying to feel better. I have friends. I stay busy. I cuddle my big dog. I take my vitamins. I take my anti-depressants. Most people don’t see how I feel.

    This is not new. It keeps getting worse as my life gets worse. I don’t understand why I can’t be humanely put down if nobody wants me. Why do I have to figure some way for myself and struggle with it?

    I don’t believe my son will feel anything but relieved that he won’t
    have to take care of me at some point because he would much rather spend
    his money on things he enjoys. His wife won’t even blink. Yes it is really the pain that I want to stop. But my life is pain. I can’t fix it. I can’t improve it. I can’t avoid it.

    I want to leave this life. I want to stop being here and not living. I am tired. I want to quit. I just want to die. I want my heart to stop beating. I want my blood to stop flowing, I want my mind to be blank. I just need the courage to make it happen.

  • Teresa

    My life is a complete and total mess. I have sleep apnea and only learned of it in the past few months. My husband of 19 years is wanting a divorce because I was messed up on Ultram and Ambien for the last 5 years along with the sleep deprivation from the sleep apnea and told him to leave last April. I did not really mean it but was so mixed up I said it and he left. I did nothing about it until after I took an overdose in December. He stood by me through the time I spent in Behavioral Health, but gave me divorce papers in January. I have begged him to come back and have put him off as long as I think I can about signing the papers. He refuses to come back and is adamant about the divorce. A friend said he was devastated when they thought I was dead before they got in the house to check on me. He is a man of few words and will not even acknowledge what I did except to say I broke my promise. Three years ago I took a handful of pills in front of him out of desperation and when he left in April he made me promise I would not hurt myself. I was so messed up that I did not think it would matter and took enough Ambien that it should have killed me but it didn’t. I got off the meds while in Behavioral Health and have tried to get him to understand the effect they were having on me. We had grown apart because of all the problems I was having so he can’t accept that the meds were messing me up so much. He says he does not love me enough to come back, but I am afraid it is the fear I will try to commit suicide again. If he could forgive me and come back I know I would never do that again, but without him I have no desire whatsoever to live. He is my life. I find no happiness in anything. I want so much for him to come home and I know deep down that if he persists and gets the divorce I will end up killing myself. No part of me wants to live without him. My friends tell me to play it cool and maybe someday he will change his mind and want to come back if he sees I am okay. I just know that I hate living in this horrible miserable world with the thought that he will probably never want me again. I cannot eat and am in a state of anxiety no matter what meds they give me.
    Does anyone have anything to share that might help me?

  • Name-a-Pete

    I read about and see all these people fighting cancer and other fatal diseases and I wonder why they fight so hard to not die. What is it that they have that I don’t that gives them this desire to live?

    I think if I got cancer I would refuse treatment and say a thankful prayer.

    I’m sorry to you folks who believe life is worth living. I’d trade places with you if I could.

  • a b

    I think you make suicidal thoughts trivial simply because to you they are just that. But there are some of us who really want to die. No sentimentalism or anything, we are just ready for it. Only thing that keeps me here is the fact my son will not understand and then probably be marked for the rest of his life but U really would like to leave this stupid, empty world.

  • David Anonymous

    If you think you have real reasons to end your life read my
    story. I don’t know anyone that has more
    reasons to end their life than I do and I’m still here. (Though I must admit I
    don’t know for how long or even if I will be able to hang on but I can only try
    with everything I’ve got.)

    As a young man I struggled with depression and thoughts of
    ending my life since I was a teenager. My
    counselors have thought that a lot of it stems from being sexually abuse by my male
    babysitter when I was little and from the physical abuse of my step-father. Somehow I made it through all this and found
    a life of love and happiness with my wife and 8 children. We were all very close with a very deep love
    and spiritual life. I had never known
    anything like it before in my life. But
    the depression started coming back as I found myself stressed from working 60
    hours a week and still barely making it.
    Then a miracle….we inherited close to a million dollars. I had a plan to generate a permanent cash
    flow with real estate but never got to implement it due to some errors in
    judgment. I just knew I was going to
    fail as my childhood programming told me I would. As I turned a million dollars into a
    financial disaster, I could see I was losing it all. The feeling that I was unlovable
    returned and it seemed like I was trying to prove it as you will see later. This contributed to my depression, which
    eventually led to taking antidepressants.
    I should also mention that I was self-medicating by escaping with pornography
    made easy by the internet age. I also
    need to say that even with the use of the pornography I always knew where to
    draw the line to not get into affairs or anything like that. But it still has a
    way of warping a person’s thinking.

    I began taking Effexor in July 2007 and was soon up to 300mg
    a day (4 times the usual recommended dose.) I was on it for 4 years. When I
    stopped taking it I felt like I woke up from a coma and everyone around me immediately
    noticed a huge change in me like my personality came alive.

    However, it was too late.
    While on Effexor, I began acting out with violence and in many ways that
    were out of character for me. I no
    longer saw clear lines of right and wrong and I didn’t know (until recently)
    that SSRI’s could do this to people. Andrea Yates who drowned her 5 children was on
    the same medication I was. (Scary) I
    have read many stories like this on http://www.SSRIstories.com.

    One of my friends gave me copies of bizarre emails I sent from
    this time period because I don’t remember sending them. (Just to show me how
    wacked out on the medications I really was.) I also remember making plans to
    kill 3 people and myself before I was arrested. I committed a sex offense called GSI (Gross
    Sexual Imposition) which is essentially inappropriate illegal touching. It’s hard for me to explain my mentality at
    the time because I don’t understand it myself.
    All this is consistent with the effects of SSRI’s. Everything from that time is very foggy in my
    head. I remember my 4 year old daughter was persistently curious as kids
    naturally are. A couple of times, that curiosity led to something unimaginably horrifying.
    One time I remember her Mom sending her
    up to wake me. Upon waking me she poked me on my underwear and asked me
    “what’s this?”. And there was
    some touching. At this point I need to say that I did not plan or seek any of
    this and I am in no way interested in kids sexually and never have been. (I also did not ever view child pornography
    as proven when the police checked my computer) I am also not saying it was her fault as I was
    the adult. Anyway, it somehow never
    occurred to me that I could get in trouble for any of this as evidenced by the
    fact that I did not tell her to keep it a secret or anything like that. Of course she innocently said something to
    Mommy. I confessed to the police but my attorney later said I would’ve have
    gotten a lot less time if I hadn’t confessed. But I still feel it was the right
    thing to do. I also remember sitting in the Police station feeling surprised
    that I could get in trouble for what I did. I didn’t understand how I could not
    have realized that. I kept thinking what
    is wrong with me. (Dr. Breggin explains a lot of this while outlining the
    effects of SSRI’s on his website http://www.Breggin.com.)

    After all these years I have finally found some of the
    answers in my research but it’s too late now because I already lost nearly every
    person and thing I value. I haven’t seen
    my kids for over 4.5 years. I never did
    anything wrong in my life and was a very good father until I was on this
    medication and now that I am off it I am horrified and ashamed of what I have
    done. I still can’t fathom how I was
    capable of doing these things. And now I
    will forever have these labels and I have lost everything in my life. Why? Because I trusted a fricken doctor and a
    medication to help me. And while I have
    been told by several slimy lawyers that I have a case no one will take it
    because they all want the easy case. I
    have some friends who have stuck by me but most did not. A lot say they forgive me but no longer act
    like friends so you can figure it out.
    My ex-wife who I thought was my soul mate for life won’t even talk to me
    so she hasn’t seen the 57 pages of clinical data on SSRI’s that show what they
    did to me.

    My last counselor had a patient on the exact same medication
    who did the exact same thing I did. I learned a lot about SSRIs on
    http://www.Breggin.com. Even though the evidence is out there I know some people won’t
    believe me which makes all this even harder.
    Dr. Breggin spoke with me on the phone and told that he believes that I
    am not responsible for what I did while on the Effexor. He views it as involuntary intoxication
    because I did not realize what the drug was doing to me. But I still feel responsible and I can’t stop
    thinking about it. I hate what I did. I hate myself for doing it. I don’t understand
    how I could have been capable of doing this.
    And there’s no relief or release from these thoughts.

    To make it worse, the
    administration of my church doesn’t want me there but my friends do. The administration did nothing about the man
    who threatened me at church. I have been
    banned from playing my guitar in our prayer group because of my case even
    though the prayer group wants me to play. All this has taught me that no one, absolutely
    no one can be trusted to not hurt me. I
    know the Lord forgives me but I can’t and don’t know if I ever will be able to. I feel like I deserve to suffer and die and should
    go to hell. I don’t think there is any
    price high enough for the things I did. That is why I am struggling to survive and
    have attempted to end my life. I sat in
    my running car for an hour and twenty minutes with a vacuum hose connected from
    the exhaust to the interior. (Somehow, a
    friend happened to call me and managed to talk me out of it.- I often wish he
    hadn’t.) As a result I spent a week in a
    mental hospital. Plus I was in the
    hospital 3 times last year including 2 major surgeries ending with open heart
    bypass surgery. I have multiple physical
    problems that I can’t seem to get help with. The things that happened to me in
    prison have emotionally scarred me for life.
    I still have frequent nightmares 3 years after getting out. I am
    consumed with how horrible a person people must think I am. As I walk through a grocery store I wonder
    what each person would think if they knew about me. I spend nearly every holiday alone and often
    doubt that I am capable of being a productive member of society again. I see families in stores and I see movies and
    shows that show people having normal loving relationships and I wonder if I’ll
    ever have that again. I ask God where he
    was when I was little and the times I needed him. Yet I know He is here for me even if I am sometimes
    angry at Him. I see and feel the pain and
    suffering in the world and it haunts me. I just want the pain to stop. Sometimes I think I would be doing my kids a
    favor by ending my life so they won’t have to face the shame of a father like
    me. The way things are going it’s always
    possible that I try it again and if I do I know that I won’t fail again. Some
    days I believe I can make it others days I don’t see any hope but I am still
    here hanging on by a thread every day.
    Jesus is all I have left and He is my only chance to make it. I only hope that I am able to hold on. I cling to the good days hoping for more of
    them and just try to get through the bad ones with God’s help. I try to find strength in knowing that many
    other people out there also suffer with depression, so I am not the only one
    fighting this battle. I just have to do
    my best to not give into the bad thoughts and painful feelings. If I can just get through the next moment I will make it.

  • drewm

    Very well put.. thx.

  • manny saints

    pointless… i am tired … useless

  • robert dunmeyer

    Lack of money, problems paying for housing, and too many legal problems are dragging too many people down.

  • Rick1999

    This post is bullshit, I am 15, I am going to turn 16 in April, and all I’ve been wanting to do was kill myself. My father is a stuped pussy, so stuped he rather not defend his kids, (I am in a family of six father, mother, and two brothers, and one sister) And my mother is a complete, ideotic bitch, hating me, hating her husband, and going about and around the house saying she is “filled with the holly spirit” I hate her so mutch and my family.
    Oh and you know what else I hate, both my “perents” say they love me. WHAT THE FUCK.
    Yea you heard me, it is ether which, I am crazy or my mother is biopolar, take your pick.
    Life to me is but a curl sick joke! Both my perents think I am the DEVIL, and they will sometimes go about saying that I am going to die in hell, FUCK YOU TWO.
    All I have left to say is FUCK MY LIFE AND FUCK MY FAMILY I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!!!!!!

  • Walter’s cat mom

    Every day is just a new opportunity for one more person to lie to me or take advantage of me. I am currently shredding every piece of paper that would reveal anything about me. I am just one day closer to killing Walter and myself. I have been betrayed by my mother, my sister, my brother, anyone by brother said was a “good person” to hire for a project. I have taken 2 contractors to district court and won both cases, but I cannot collect. The copay my MS medication is $1,750/month. In July, right eye was damaged with chemical burns & abrasions; it healed and then the ophthalmologist said I had cataracts on both eyes. In September I had surgery on the worst of my 2 trigger fingers (both of my thumbs and 6 of my 8 fingers trigger). Then I was told that I had Dupuytren’s contracture in my right palm and carpal tunnel in both wrists/hands – I got that news when my orthopaedic surgeon finished telling me what he was going to do during my shoulder surgery (my osteoarthritis destroyed the cartilage, growing bone spurs on my scapula and clavicle, that damaged my rotator cuff, and destroying one entire bursa that had to be removed and 1/2 of the other bursa). The surgery was supposed to be “outpatient surgery” but did not come out of the anesthesia. A neurologist was called it because my orthopaedic surgeon was afraid that I had suffered a stroke. I couldn’t hear or see and I had to be put in ICU for 48 hours. In the ICU I could hear voices and focused on the clock that was moving/spinning. I could hear my sister saying the names of doctors I hadn’t seen for years; she was talking about me and every time she was saying crazy information I was trying to talk (but because I have Sjogren’s Syndrome – Primary, I could not speak, I had not had a drop of water or lubricating fluid for about 20 hours by then and my tongue was glued to the roof of my mouth). I heard myself yelling “water” and struggling to get up, one person said I think she wants water, put everyone else was saying she can’t have water because she might throw up. I was crying but I couldn’t make tears because of the Sjogren’s. I provided the names and phone numbers of all my specialists, a list of my diagnoses, a list of my medications and a list of what I would need as soon as the surgery was over, to the hospital, surgeon and my sister. They were trying to make me eat crackers. I couldn’t even open my mouth and they kept saying, “she is refusing to eat the crackers,” as they rubbed water on my lips with a little sponge on a stick. I grabbed the sponge stick and tried to shove it in my mouth, so they took that away, “so she doesn’t hurt herself.” The staff started pumping saline into me and eventually I was able to speak, but still no one would listen to me. I told my sister to go home and I would call her when she could pick me up, but she took my phone and I didn’t actually know her phone number because she and her husband only have a cell phones with number from another state. After I was released, I asked the hospital for a copy of the hospital records for my surgery. A neurologist had been called in to evaluate whether I had a stroke; he rightly concluded that I was having an MS episode. The hospital neurologist wrote copious notes about what my sister told him, my surgeon and the hospital staff. According to the hospital notes (that will forever be linked to me and who I am – according to sister who should be a trusted source and my advocate) the neurologist included: “According to her (me) sister, patient was a highly successful health insurance executive in Seattle, WA, who between 10 and 20 years ago received a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis. Patient had for example ‘prism vision’. She followed with specialist physicians in Seattle, a team of them and got excellent care. One was a neurologist and she was one of the for people ever to take Copaxone [what?] and she has taken Copaxone ever since. She began to doubt her cognitive abilities however as multiple sclerosis progressed and she decided to resign [what? I left work on long-term company and Social Security disability] and move to this area where she has family [what? My family begged me to move back to PA and what I was really supposed to do was take care of my mother and step-father because I wouldn’t be busy doing anything else]. For the first year she did well, living independently [what? I still live independently, no one takes care of me or even helps me], interacting appropriately [what? oh yeah, I took care of my mother and stepfather]. In the last 3 or 4 years there has been a gradual decline with increasing cognitive rigidity [I started to say, “NO,” when I was told to do something I didn’t want to do], loss of trust in her physicians [a hematologist called me one day and told me I had Factor V Leiden, based on a spinal tap my neurologist forced me to have; after months of anti-coagulants, and asking how that fit with my difficulty to stop bleeding after cuts, I had a test specifically for Factor V Leiden and was told it was negative = I told that neurologist that I would not be back], ruminating over long past events [I had never told my sister about having been kidnapped at 17, how I survived and the ‘illegal alien’ Vietnamese family saved my life, and how I finally had to tell the FBI to release my kidnapper because I was not going to provide the name and address of the Vietnamese family who helped me because I was afraid the U.S. would deport them; but my sister didn’t want to know, she told me to ‘get over it,’ I told her, “I just what someone to know what happened to me,’ but she said she didn’t want to know], and increasing self-isolation [from my family]. She no longer ‘has a filter’ [I actually started saying what I suppressed for all of my life], does not censor herself for the last 6 months and is having trouble finding words [that is true, my ability to express my thought is becoming more and more difficult, I can see the word or thought in my brain, but I can not form the words or articulate thoughts = duh! I have MS and maybe I have early onset of Alzheimer’s, who knows]. She may struggle to articulate [it obviously bothers her – she should try being me]. She had a local neurologist who told her that she probably did not have multiple sclerosis. She has seen a rheumatologist and other diagnoses have been considered including lupus, scleroderma, and connective tissue disease. Having lost confidence of a firm neurological diagnosis [what?], she has ever since been searching ‘for the truth’ in terms of diagnosis. Not only this but she has lost the position of authority and success from her profession in Seattle and sister believes this is another reason for her becoming unanchored [what?]. She saw a psychiatrist or counselor for this, and one provided a diagnosis that displaced her [what?] and she ‘fired’ that professional [what?]. She has ‘fired’ a number of physicians [my sister is confusing me with my Aunt who constantly talks about firing her doctors].”
    I attended family Christmas functions and waited until my sister returned from Barbados vacation and confronted her with the above notations from my surgery records. Even though all of the disturbing words and phrases are definitely recognizable as my sister’s, she denied saying any of information that the hospital neurologist attributed to her. I asked her if she really believed all of the things she told the hospital neurologist, she continued to deny ever saying anything about me. I told her there was no doubt in my mind that she said all those things about me and she needed to be honest with me so that I could begin to forgive her. She said, “So you are ready to throw away a 60 year relationship with your sister over something that should never have been documented in a hospital chart and given to you?” And I said, “I have to terminate my relationship with you because your need to be the center of attention in a room of doctors was so important to you [she recruits physicians for a hospital in another state] that you created a false and inflammatory story about me to enhance your own stature as the voice of authority when I had no voice. Your words will forever be linked to me. You created a fictional medical biography of me. Because of your words, I will never return to my PCP, who by the way is now our mother’s PCP, our brother’s PCP, and our niece’s PCP. But I will never see her again because this was sent to her. It was also sent to my rheumatologist, so I will never see her again either. You have completely damaged my credibility and destroy my personality and for what? This is just the most extreme situation of you belittling and undermining me for all of our lives and this is the last time.
    And then there is the cat that you forced on me the day you drove me home from the hospital. You made me feel guilty if I did not take the stray cat that Mom was feeding. You told me that it was my responsibility to take the cat because it was too much work for Mom and it will freeze outside. When I asked if it was a girl cat you said, “Yes.” I felt guilty for having you take me for my hand surgery in September and my shoulder surgery in December, so I said, “Okay.” I paid all the vet bills for a male cat [another one of your lies]. Between the vet bills and all of the cat food, etc., I paid $500 immediately. The cat would not stop tripping me. I tripped and fell constantly. I told my nephew about the cat constantly tripping me and showed him bruises all over my legs and arms (including the shoulder I just had surgery on). He said, “Yeah, he was tripping Grandma all the time, that’s why Mom wanted you to take him.” I told my sister, “Why, when you knew that the cat was tripping Mom, and I sleep walk, would insist that I take the cat?” My sister said, “I thought he would stop doing that when he became an indoor cat living with you.” I said, “So, did you not learn in psychology 101 that the best predictor of future behavior is current and past behavior? Do you want to know what else he does? He likes to rip any paper he can find, he climbs the bookshelves, he pulls out books and rips pages out, he pull paper out of the printer, I have to hide my purse because he tore checks from my checkbook. I have had to change everything in my life so that there is no paper available to him. He reminds me of you; he wants to shred and destroy every piece of me. You told me it was a girl cat and I believed you; it wasn’t until [her son] presented me with the vet bills that I knew it was a male cat. You lie to me, you lie to other’s about me, you improve the life of other’s by shifting the object of harm to their lives to my life, knowing that I will not ‘rat you out’ and knowing that I will never dump the cat at a shelter (I volunteered at an animal shelter for years) or euthanize the cat. And you will never know anything about the cat from me.”
    I don’t ever want to see or speak to you again. You have intentionally hurt me for the last time. I hope you remember the words and images you attached to me at the hospital every time my name is mentioned. You are relieved of any association with your rigid, unanchored, self-isolating, unfiltered, displaced sister who doubts her cognitive abilities and is declining. I am no longer available to be the protagonist in your works of fiction. And don’t worry, I will not be telling anyone what you have done to me because then you could tell everyone, “See how crazy she is. No, I will leave it up to you to explain my absence at family gatherings. It shouldn’t be difficult for you to fabricate a story that centers you as the injured party of my mentally unstable condition, since you believe you are the authority on me.” Remember, just like the story you told when I was unconscious and incoherent in the hospital, eventually you will have to face your words. You have lost your best friend and only sister. I have closed the book on you. The end.
    So, here I am, on my first blog (yes, I am a virgin blogger) “ratting” my sister out to people I will never know. Even though I told my sister that I would never tell, I just needed for someone to know, because I don’t have a psychiatrist or counselor (and of course, according to my sister, I have lost faith in them or ‘fired’ them or something).
    I do become more isolated every day. I have MS, Sjogren’s Syndrome, horribly aggressive osteoarthritis that is destroying my joints. I don’t drink or smoke or eat meat (the favorite pastimes of my town). I was a Deacon at my church, but I left because I could no longer bear to listen to all of the hateful words of the church leaders (they hate the Amish, the Catholics, liberals who want to take their guns away, “Obamacare,” liberal judges and juries who don’t have “the balls” to impose the death penalty, “our” taxes being given to lazy no good people (I could go on and on). And I am tired, I hurt physically and mentally, I feel betray, and I don’t see a light at the end of this endless tunnel.
    I am telling you all in the hope that no one will come and knock on my door to lock me in an inpatient mental facility because I am not allowed to have my own thoughts anymore either. Please just listen. That is what I need. I need to know that someone will read this and just don’t hurt me because you can.

  • rich

    I can’t deal with the pain in my head anymore and want to end the nightmare I have become.

  • tom

    im so close
    after 35 years
    it hurts too much
    can someone help me?
    please help me
    I dont want to die
    please help me
    no one answered me….
    there is no love

    • theroxy1

      Tom are you still with us? Talk to me – I will help you

      • john marston

        he didn’t respond :-(

  • tom

    for my daugheters sake
    help me

    • Alisha Peck

      There needs to be a big button that reports these posts to the proper authorities so they can check up on people . I hope your ok Tom I’ll just check with administrative staff and if I get no where I’ll be in contact with the local authorities some one cares ptsd is awful. I hope this isn’t a joke

  • Matt

    I want the death of the pain and fear I feel each morning I wake up for longer than I can remember

  • I don’t care

    I don’t understand what u mean one of this is sad people die they move on other people are born also all people have problems,suck it up I mean I want to die but it’s not because I’m sad or anything I actually have a great life but I want to die theres no problems in my life I’m smart my family’s loving I’m not poor I have everything I need/want and yet I still want to die,could care less if I died or if anyone else did.But im not going to kill myself so life doesn’t matter at all I don’t understand what any of u r thinking.

  • ferretgal

    The man I’d consider the love of my life killed himself nearly 20 years ago, three months after I broke up with him due to his inability to maintain his sobriety. He was verbally abusive when drinking, and my son was very young at the time and I had to choose. He killed himself by laying down on train tracks. I believe that the only reason I did not also die was my son, who was in kindergarten at the time. I’ve had a couple of relationships since, though not for the last 10 years; I am finally OK without a relationship in my life, though I would like one. I feel like an emotional rollercoaster; I’ve had suicidal “ideation” on and off since my teens. But having lived through the suicide of someone close, I don’t think I could bring myself to impose that hell on someone else. I’ve had others (my mother) die normally and it’s not the same.

    I will say, it’s not something I think about much anymore, but of course it’s been a long time. I suppose my difficulty in trusting anyone enough to get really close might have something to do with it, but I’m not sure there’s anything I can do about it.

    My son, who is now 25, has suffered from severe OCD since age 17, when he had a serious clinical depression–screaming and crying so loudly we almost got kicked out of our apartment. He’s improved very gradually over the last few years–no thanks to medications; he took one for awhile, but the side effects were bad, and after he stopped it, we tried a few supplements and those seem to be helping. He refuses therapy, so I just let him be who he is (we now live in separate locations, which I support) and he is doing better, interested in his art again. I was telling a friend about the situation a few years ago, and said “I’d cut off my arm for him to be well and have a happy life,” just saying it like you do, but as I said it I teared up and realized I really meant it; I’d give anything I could to help him.

    I’ve been involved in spiritual pursuits for most of my life, but am not sure if I am better off for it or not. Sometimes it seems that those who live the most unevolved, unconscious lives are the most satisfied. Though I suppose that could just be the superficial aspects, not how they really feel. Something I heard that I can relate to: “you feel like you were accidentally stuffed into your body.” I’ve never felt I belonged here and often feel alienated and isolated.

    And just in case one of my favorite “wallowing” techniques helps someone else, I watch my DVD of Hamlet (the one with Mel Gibson) and drink champagne. Something about the deep melancholy of that story and getting just a little drunk makes me feel better…

  • ceejosh

    I want to die because I am tired. Tired of doing things because want you too do them even if you do not. Tired of trusting other without doubt, but you are not trusted. Tired of forgiving when other do not for give you. Tired of being used. why am I the youngest and still here longer then any of my older brother and sister. Why must I be the one all of the time, for anything. Why am I wrong for not want to go, or do. why am I wrong for working 14 and 16 hour days 6 and 7 days a week, and on my only day off I just want to stay home and rest. Why must I be the one who Is sorry? I am sorry. I am sorry that I am tired. I sorry I fell asleep. This is the best one, I am just going out because I feel guilty. I am tired. I do not want any more responsibilities. I just want to go home, if you can understand where home is. I am tired.

  • Tash

    Ha. Good post. Seriously. Here is my issue. 3 years ago I had it all. Due to a crook criminal I not only have many of the fears you mention above. I have the realty. And I am NOT exaggerating. Loss of dad, loss of career, loss of savings fighting for career, story in paper, loss of house, facing immediate BK, utterly failing wife and Children. Better off dead with life insurance policy. (Effective on suicide) just down right hate existence after lifetime of giving, working hard and ethically.) a true victim of a financial regulatory system gone wild. Never found guilty…but the financial damage and reputational damage is done.
    I have come so close to hanging myself and jumping of the GWB numerous times I can’t tel you. Standing there unable to jump, unable to let go of the step and hang myself. I love my wife. I love my kids. I love(d) my life. Ii want to kill the person responsible. I want to expose the system. But I can’t. I wouldn’t kill anyone no mater how distraught and ruined I am.
    Your letter was helpful. Thank you. I have exhausted my mom, my friends, my wife and my therapist. I haven’t money to pay my therapist. I don’t know how I will pay insurance or buy food next month. I am filled with long term promise. But short term I have no cash, I have pain in my had from trying to rationalize everything, literal pain in my heart from anxiety and m scalp has sores from anxiety that bled and my soul pains on harming and failing my wife an children. I have lost faith in God as I question how he could do this to a coach, Cub Scout leader, hospital board contributor and general giver to society. Why. Wy me. I didn’t do anything
    I am truly better off dead. And I can’t take the pains mentioned above anymore. God help me

  • Guest

    How do you kill the things that are killing your body slowly? No, I don’t want to die, but I know that I also don’t want to endure another 30 yrs of chronic pain and illness so debilitating that I suffer severely every day!

  • YouCouldBeRight

    Whatever…I’m outta here

  • Edina

    Thank you for this post. “What do you really want to die?” After months of therapy, my therapist was not able to put it that way.

  • Wings in pain

    I suffer and hurt deeply. Hate this.

  • SMD

    My mom killed herself this morning. People say oh you can’t blame yourself, but I do. At some I probably won’t, but it will take a few weeks. The last time we talked I yelled at her about pizza. I guess she felt that at some point life was too hard. I saw a kid in the supermarket with his dad today. I’ll never get to do that with my mom. I very much want to live and I will live. But everyday I’m gonna wake up and ask why and there won’t be anyone to answer me. I was such as asshole to my mother. I’m being an asshole now. She’s dead and I make it about me. I’ve said I more than mom in this paragraph.

    I wish she was still here.

    • john marston


  • van z

    I want to die right now.

  • Wout

    Nobody is allowed to die when they want. We’ll put our pets to sleep, but my parents had to suffer tremendously first. Absolutely unreal. Write about that James.

  • Trudi Neiverth

    My brother died 3 months ago; my neighbors who I’m very close to are moving away, I just had to euthanize what I loved most in the world, prematurely. No matter how bad things got out in the real world, this cat grounded me and my love for him was so great that nothing could even make me feel like dying. I would never had abandoned him and I figured I’d have at least 10 more years with him. In a week’s time he was gone, and now all I feel like doing is sleeping and withering away. I don’t feel as if I’ll come out of it, even though I have years ago with other generations of cats.

    People have been supportive, but when it comes down to it, they leave, and its just me now at an age that it seems OK to die. In fact, I wanted to be euthanized right along with my beautiful, wonderful cat but they don’t do that, do they? I wish we had that choice.

  • Lestari N.S

    is it wrong if someone wants to die? I want to die. Death is freedom. Death is joy. I don’t need to wake up early anymore. I don’t have to do what people want me to do. Not feel hurt, anymore. My body not feeling pain, anymore. I don’t have to witness bad things in this world, anymore. I want to be selfish, take my deep sleep forever and don’t care about people feelings.

    • Annie Genevieve

      exactly. that’s what he’s saying here. That’s how I feel too. You don’t want to feel pain. You don’t want to feel hurt. You don’t want to witness badness. We are all looking to death as the solution, but really we are wanting to kill those feelings, not ourselves. You said you wanted joy through death. That means you want joy. It feels impossible to find it most days… but if you can see the possibility of joy in death, then maybe you can find joy in something else while you’re still here. Kill those negative feelings, but keep yourself here for all of us. I don’t want to give up. I want to be happy. However, some days giving up feels like the only solution.

  • hannah

    im 13 and i want to die. My life is just so horrible right now that i don´t know what to do. My mother moved to the other side of the globe after she tried to kill herself, and Im here in norway lying in my bed wanting to jump out the window. My chest physically hurts from the pain, and I don´t know what to do. I have been so strong for the past 2 years, been through things that no 13 year old should go through, seen things that have scarred me for life and i feel hopeless and worthless 24/7, even though i go to regular therapy counseling. I am just so sad that it hurts and I feel so trapped. Im sorry, I just have so much on my chest and this looked like the place to express my feelings. I fantasize about death and have dark thoughts that no one should have, especially not in my age group.
    sorry again if i bothered you. Im just so fed up with everything and Ive had enough.

    • Annie Genevieve


  • still rollinindahood

    Easier said than done I just wish death comes to me. The only reason I don’t want to commit suicide is because I am a bit religious and as funny as it may sound I don’t want to goto hell.
    But in reality I wish I was dead and next time death comes knocking on my door I am gonna open the door and not fight but embrace it.

  • skubaduk8433

    I wish I could die. I realize that the doctors want and can keep ” us ” alive for years BUT I really want to die. Searching for a fast, relatively painless way to kill myself. Therapy and medication may work for some but I just want to expire. I am tired of life.

  • I know this is an old post… but a popular one because your readers tend to be depressive intellectual types I guess. I always end up circling back to wanting to die – though in the way you discuss wanting to die. Not actually wanting to have my heart stop beating – but to die because of all these things that I can’t manage despite how really basic some of them are for other people. I want to die because I’m embarrassed by myself and my inability to function in a reasonable fashion. I want to die because I am terrible at my job and because I don’t naturally think like a “blank” – my profession – and others don’t have to think about it so much and don’t mess up all the details. I want to die because I am convinced I’m a failure and a fake and I only trick people for so long (it’s true) until I’m found out and I’m laid off yet again and on to the next. I’ve at least learned that while it takes time I do manage to get hired after a little while — I trick someone again… not on purpose, but I trick them all the same. And then I can’t live up to their expectations. What to die because of my shame. Because I feel like a liar. An imposter. And unlike other people I really am. Which maybe you would say everyone thinks. But what if it’s true? I want to die because I don’t think I can ever afford the life I want, even though at 32 I’ve saved up about $350,000 and have most of it in diversified stocks and I majored in fine arts and I just try to live a bit below my means and save and that is the only thing that gives my life meaning even though I have no idea what I’m doing and eventually the stock market will crash and that too will be gone. I want to die because my parents can be such assholes sometimes and even though I’m 30 I still let them get to me. I want to die because I don’t know how to be loved. I want to die because my boss hates me. I want to die because it’s 2am and I have to wake up in 3 hours and I slept four hours last night and I’m exhausted. I want to die because I don’t do anything good for the world. I want to die because I’ve lost all aspect of play in my life. I want to die because I long for meaningful, significnat, intellectual friendships but I’m too scared / don’t know how to approach people I admire. I want to die because I know how important friendship is but I have no idea how to make meaningful friends and I’m shy and my friendships tend to evolve by me putting on a show and being the center of a joke. I want to die because I torture the few friends I have with my rampant depressive fits and they probably worry about me and don’t know what to do. I want to die because I’m getting older and older and nothing is clicking and everything feels as if it’s simply falling further and further apart. I want to die because maybe death isn’t so bad after all. But I don’t really want to die. Or do I? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself for the past 25 years of my life at least. It’s a breath of fresh air to romanticize death but then the actual thought of being dead isn’t quite the same. So I won’t die, but I’ll keep romancing the notion, because I’m so sad and angry and frustrated and scared and the only true absolute escape from all of these things, in lieu of coming to some sort of resolution in real life, is that final out. But posts like yours remind me that it’s only the notion, not the action, which is so beautiful in its finality.

  • This approach to connecting with people is very clever, death is one of the two universal absolutes from that old saying ‘death & taxes’ being the two certain things in life. It is also very true that we are all emotional beings, it does not matter how logical, practical and upfront you think you are, your emotions determine the quality of your life.
    Think about it, even if you have millions in the bank, if you are in emotional pain, or depressed or lonely that money won’t really help you. The hard, cruel reality of our society is that nobody really cares about you – you are just another presence, another mouth and anus competing for resources. People as a whole are not very nice – distrust of others is a healthy response to our civilization – it is hell on legs.

    There is always ‘love’, but not many people know what that is, most men seek regular sex and often confuse being obsessed with the female genitalia with ‘love’. Everyone is seeking the way out, and they will do just about anything to get there, it is ugly and brutal. Friendship is rare, most often it is connections with people we think can help us along -‘Networking’, people only really approach you if they think you have something of value that they can use, nothing really new about this.

    So being depressed and wanting an end to suffering is as natural as can be. We have to face up to the cold realities of existence, it is no picnic, but it can always be worse, if you think you have reached rock-bottom, there is always another level below you can reach.

    Being grateful is where your climb towards the sun begins, we have to learn how to be truly grateful for this rare privilege of being alive, the odds were completely against our being here – it is astounding that out of all the matter & energy in the universe, all of the events that could occur your father’s sperm fertilized that one egg in your mother’s body, that single sperm out of billions. Yep it is a rare thing, but we choose to mope and feel disgruntled, resentful.
    My wife works with people who are mentally unwell, many ‘want to die’, but few of them actually go through with it – they want to make a big scene about their unhappiness, to let everyone know just how miserable they are. Pathetic really, people have so little backbone – and the elephant in the room is that no one really cares, go ahead and top yourself, one less mouth and anus to make a mess and talk shit.
    If we are very lucky we understand that it really is down to us, your own happiness is your responsibility, stop moaning and embrace the true miracle of your existence, it is very rare and will probably never happen again in the entire history of this universe, it is a one off.

  • Bebe Marshall

    I am there now. A bad breakup, not a death. But the pain is terrible. Writing is my outlet.


  • elizabethhopkins

    I want to die. I got sent home from the hospital a little over a year ago with an infection that went untreated. My bowel ruptured in four places. I walked around four and a half days this way. Then they removed part of my bowel while withholding the fact they were going to do it to me….let me believe they were just going to drain pus and let it heal on it own. I don’t believe in surgery..I don’t believe in removing body parts. This happened on my birthday. I’m hoping to be euthanized when they get the legislation passed in February 2016.

    • Volkan Erdoğan

      “I don’t believe in surgery..I don’t believe in removing body parts.” May I ask why?

      • Elizabeth

        originally partly religion and partly experience. I lost my spleen when I was a teen. Again, against my will and beliefs.

        • Annie Genevieve

          so to clarify, you’re upset they removed an infected, necrotic, pus filled part of your body so that you didn’t suffer in excruciating pain, fever, and go into full septic shock? You’re upset they took good care of you to the best of they ability and knowledge? I’m not understanding.

          • Elizabeth

            I walked around for four and a half days with a ruptured bowel in four places because I got sent home without treatment from ER room by someone who told me the ER was for emergencies.

            I was in excruciating pain the duration. They said they were going to drain pus from the abscesses and let it heal on it’s own which is what I agreed to. What they withheld was that they knew all along what they were going to do and no one told me I guess in order to get me to consent as I’d already turned down surgery in favour of draining the abscesses.

            It was my body, my right to know, my right to say no. I woke up wanting to die and still feel that way. I watched both of my parent’s suffer long agonizing deaths from cancer and suffer through operations and treatments which only prolonged their suffering.

            I am hoping to be euthanized when the law comes into effect in June. I’m not willing to live this way..I’m not willing to live by the consquences of decisions that I did not make.

          • Michael Joseph

            sad but understandable criminal what they did

          • Elizabeth

            Thank you.

  • Tpm Resouces

    After a very bitter and long divorce, our house was sold in February 2014. I had nowhere to take my two kids young kids (12 and 8) so I decided to let them live with their father until this year when my daughter finishes Grade 7. This is the hardest, heartrending time but the hope of us reuniting at the end of this year pulled us through. I looked for employment and got a short contract work that ended this May. I have tried absolutely everything to get employment to no avail. I registered a company but don’t have funds to proceed. I’ve approached all kinds of organisations for funding but failed because banks want individuals who have collateral,  government helps people with existing business and individuals with some capital. If my  business could be funded, our ever increasing unemployment statistics would reduced and statistics of crime committed out of pure desperation will decrease. Saving someone’s life. During the winter school holidays my  daughter started having her first periods and we were both grateful that it started during this visit.  This evening she called me to say that she can’t take living with her dad and these women. How do I tell her that things are not going the way we hoped. My ex is spending more time in his home town where he works now living the kids with his helper. The only parent the children have are each other. If anyone out there can help us finally find a home before the end of the year. I can’t see things changing in the next 30 and I am tired and just want to die. I don’t even understand why I’m in this earth


    • Volkan Erdoğan

      Hey, if only I could be of help but I’m probably half a world away or something from you. But the answer to your last question is easy: for your children, at least (maybe there are other things also that you are not currently aware). I’m sure you know at heart how to help yourself, and your children that is part of your soul. You know how to communicate with them. Please don’t leave them alone in these hard times. And keep searching what you can do for your business. You never know when the solution will pop up :)

  • disqus_fyy1HxoUzu

    my sister say’s i want too die and is making fun of me . .

  • nimue

    No one ever said life is easy. But the fact is that death is harder…It will come for all of us sooner or later ~ which is kind of hard to contemplate for those of us caught up in the whirl of living. Thanks for a great and profound post James. Suicide isn’t painless~ it leaves a lot of fallout for those left behind. Plus you probably really don’t want your heart to stop beating…just for the pain to end…and, as all things come to pass ~ it will. You just have to push on through to the other side.Thinking about the magnificence of the universe and our tiny place in it may help.

  • roger

    Hi.i am honestly considering killing myself.but i do not want to harm anyone else by jumping in front of a train e.t.c.so i have decided that the only thing i can think of thats around at the moment is a plant called (Hemlock.) once you have taken it you cannot be saved…………

    • Annie Genevieve

      are you still around Roger? you reached out here. so something in you must still want to connect to others. I hope you are finding your way through.

  • Mimi McCorry Stiegel

    @DavidSandrowitz:disqus https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37GrbCUvZEM Good song. I see your comment on this post was 4 years ago. How is it now? Can you say?

  • Lynette

    I’m not trying to judge anyone here, I understand wanting to die very well!
    The reason I don’t kill myself is because even if I live to 100 life is still short enough. So I may as well try my best to make my corner of the world a better place while I’m here and not try to check out prematurely.
    I’ve been very suicidal for years, but two deaths of friends/family recently have put life in perspective.

  • sad_angel13

    I want to die because life is full of suffering. I want to die because i feel like i do not have a purpose in this world. If i am not so shit scared of dying, i would have killed myself 10 or 15 years ago. I’ve always felt this way. Things are bad again. The happy moments which doesn’t happen often is no longer enough to keep me going. The people i care about and cares about me are no longer enough. Nothing is ever enough. I got what i always wanted, to be a counselor… to be in the helping field, and i freakin’ love it! I feel fulfilled. I should be happpy. I have built my relationship with my family. I can say i am already successful eventhough i still have a long way to go but i can’t feel happy. I should be happy but I’m not. I can’t see the point of life. I can’t see the point of living. I am not religious, i am spiritual… but why do i still feel this way? I have done a lot of work on myself but i still feel this way. I want all my feelings to die… both good and bad… i want to die. I see hope but not quite. I want to die. I just want this life to be over already but i am so shit scared of dying that often times i pray that i don’t wake up.

    I once had a dream, not too long ago, in my dream, someone was going to throw a grenade at me but before doing so, he asked me “are you sure about this?” I paused for a brief moment, with one person in mind, and i said “hmmmm… no, i have one reason to stick around” and in my dream, this guys smiled and said “okay… walk away now…” so i did while this guy with the grenade watched me walk away. Then i woke up.

    I should’ve said “yes I’m ready” i sure as hell should have….

  • urbanwarrior

    I came across James posts a few times never really taking much notice. it wasn’t until I came across Kamal’s book ‘Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It’ and heard how be purred praise over James and his wife Caroline then I took notice.

    I noticed earlier I have the slogan ‘I choose me’ on my office wall,
    never sure where I got that wording from. Ha! That’s the title of James book
    which I only searched for because of Jamal’s mentioning of James in his
    book. Perhaps providence played a part as he was mentioned in other publications too, so I just had to seek his book.


    Maybe you’re right.

    Nobody wants to die.

    When being hit again and again and no matter what you do, no matter
    how well-meaning you try to act and just seem to get a break, it’s at that time
    when to say enough is enough and do what Socrates and Seneca had done centuries
    before to alleviate the pain and burden as its unbearable

  • Brenden Foster

    I want to die tonight. It’s a Wednesday. Who want’s to go on a Wednesday? Nothing is right. Everything is just sideways. There’s no one to talk to. How pathetic is that? Here I am, putting the words “I want to die” into a search engine and posting bullshit in the comments of an old blog.

    People like to say silly things like “It get’s better!”. Well, my response is always “When?” I’m going on 25 years with this tar in my head. It doesn’t get better. It just goes on. Some of us aren’t meant to get better.

    Unlike some in here, I do have a gun and I have a nice Plan to go with it. Sometimes that’s comforting, like no matter what, at least I’ve got THAT worked-out… Sometimes it’s not, because it’s close and I can hear it breathing just over my shoulder. It’s a big decision, like buying a house, or a car, or a shiny new computer… expensive, so be sure. I want to be sure, of course, but it’s there and ready.

    I’m afraid to go to bed. There’s a terrible space between turning out the light, and actually getting to sleep. That’s when my mind chews on itself and there’s nothing to distract it.

    I want to die tonight. I actually DO want my heart to stop beating. But it just keeps plugging. I think that’s because it has one job. It knows it’s place in the world. The rest of me does not.

    I don’t expect anyone on the interwebs to have the answers. I don’t know why I’m writing this. You can’t help me. No one can.

    • YemSalat

      I’m in the same boat mate, the author of this blog post clearly did not get it.
      You’re lucky you have a gun, I cant even buy one where I live.

  • derek sibert

    I’ve never went to bed wanting to wake up. Being a lower middle class child of the 70’s, no one noticed. I’ve led a life of quiet desperation and bad decisions, that have left me in a financial hole I will never get out of. Truly hopeless. Somehow I’ve lasted 47 years without any self esteem and battling a non-stop mental nosedive. I’m tired of pulling back on the yoke. For some of us it isn’t a matter of ‘if’, but ‘when’ we finally decide to check out.

    • Dreianj

      Same age. Reality certainly did not meet my expectations not only that, the expectations of me did not meet with the reality I was able to create. Heck no it’s not easy. I just put one foot in front of the other. No one seems to care about us guys really. In the grand scheme of things we’re just tools and work horses and all kinds of stuff. Not who we really are inside. You kind of got to find some kind of meaning for yourself. Me I find causes to get mad about. Something that gives me enough fire to want to live another day to see somebody pay for what they’ve done. It’s not noble and I know it’s kind of futile but it’s what keeps me going and I guess that’s the point. I hope you find something to keep you going. Something that means something to you greater than yourself. Greater than the pain that you’ve suffered. Even greater than the pain that you will suffer. It’s going to end sooner or later and I hope at least you find some peace and some comfort for all your effort. There are people out there who do care, they’ve just been kicked in the face so many times they don’t really stick it out there anymore. As for making bad decisions… there’s usually a woman involved and if you learned your lesson that won’t happen again. As for digging yourself out… one day at a time just like everything else. I think in some ways we may be lucky. I know it doesn’t seem that way. We have built a resistance, a really thick skin to protect us from all the slings and arrows. Those who haven’t had that time build their armor who find themselves in a position where they are forcefully stripped of that illusion of control may be just as bad off probably worse. We have coping mechanisms! (healthy or unhealthy as the case may be) This isn’t a Pollyanna trite little pep talk- I’m just trying to keep you going like I’m trying to keep me going cuz that’s what I do. Doesn’t work for you, I wish you the best of luck. If you find strength in it and it does work for you and reach out and help somebody else cuz there’s a lot of us out here wandering in the sticks. You are not alone. Glad you made it here….

  • Sonia Garces

    I wanted death after my two Moms died,after two closed friends wronged me, buried me in debt, seeing some people took advantage of my situation….

  • Mimi

    Ohhh where do I begin…. this life is simply unlivable… hate it

  • Done with it

    NONE of this resonates with me. It’s not one specific problem, it’s everything. Poverty, being disowned, no family, genetic disorders, disfiguration, never ending physical pain, unbearable loneliness, being a social outcast…… the list is exhaustive. For some of us, it is not possible to muster strength to overcome so many complex difficulties with supportive friends and family. We don’t have any. We are isolated. We don’t live, we merely exist. Moreover, we are completely drained emotionally, physically and financially from a lifetime of battling demons you can’t possibly imagine. Yet, the world has the audacity to judge us for simply wanting to make a final exit with grace and dignity. Shameful!

    The reason why suicide is always framed in the pejorative, is so pharmacology and the medical industry can sink their financial claws into us. These businesses are mediated by the financial pressures of unfettered capitalism. They don’t give a damn about people, only profits. Indeed, pharmacology, psychology and psychiatry are mega businesses legitimized by the government legally capable of dissecting, codifying and labeling us so they can provide a for profit panacea. It’s the ultimate scam, a Foucauldian nightmare. And what do we receive in exchange for engaging in this charade, other than more misery? A hope that things will improve. Let’s get real. Hope is a pacifier the medical industry has expediently commoditized for financial gain and perpetuation. So let’s stop telling people to hang in there and get “help.” It’s a lie. The truth may not always be pleasant, but it’s still the truth whether we like it or not.

    If anything, suicide should be viewed as the ultimate act of self love. It is one’s opportunity to take control and extinguish innumerable suffering whether physical, mental or engendered by an other reason. Because only you can fully understand your deep raw anguish, only you should have jurisdiction over it. There is nothing wrong in wanting to die. It is perfectly natural for a percentage of the population, so let’s stop trying to alter nature. We are all going to die anyway, so why can’t some people hasten their own demise if they want? It’s their body. In the far more enlightened Netherlands, the government sanctions human euthanasia. You can end your life when you want, under your terms, unfettered by needless social, financial and moral stigmas. Let’s stop telling people how to live, by allowing them to die with dignity, grace and respect. That is a far more humane approach than keeping people alive in unbearable pain so industry can profit.

    If you don’t want to die, so be it. Nothing wrong with that. But if you do want to engage in self deliverance, you are not crazy. There is nothing wrong with your decision, it’s perfectly natural and many other people feel the same way. Accordingly, don’t let others judge you. They do not genuinely understand you or your situation. You should be entitled to control your body as you see fit, without being forced to listen to sermons from people who are oblivious and insensitive. The Hemlock Society is an amazing organization that can help (see below link). I am looking forward to an expedient final exit. For those of you who want me to change my mind, back off. You don’t know me or what I’ve been through. You didn’t care then, don’t pretend to care now. I’m done. http://www.finalexitnetwork

  • Dalamar Evans

    James, some of what you wrote resonated with me. I see escorts almost every week. Mainly because I’ve given up trying to pursue an emotional relationship with women.

    I’m 41 and I’ve come to realize that I’m an ugly guy with high standards. Women in general are not attracted to me at all or at least the ones I’m interested in. I have never had a girlfriend and I’ve never been in love. I lost my virginity at 28 to an escort. I did this because I was fed up with not having even kissed a girl or made out with her or cuddled with a girl. I have always had to pay for sex.

    Unlike the guy that who killed himself I deeply want an emotional connection with a woman. But it just never happened. I’m in decent shape, I have a high paying job, I dress well but I’m not attractive, I’m quiet and my social skills are poor. I’ve done speed dating, online dating, bars/clubs, cold approach, meetups it’s pointless. I read most of literature on attraction and the result I have been repeatedly rejected, used and humiliated.

    You say in choose Yourself don’t sleep with someone you don’t love. But what if no one loves you enough to sleep with you. What do you do then? Keep trying knowing that you will get rejected, drop my standards and pursue someone I don’t want?

    In private, I cry myself to sleep from loneliness, I feel ugly when I look in the mirror. I feel alien for never having a girlfriend. Sometimes I avoid looking at attractive women walking down the street because it’s just a reminder my life long failure with women.

    I have no desire to end my life because there is so much to be grateful for.
    But I can understand that that guy’s desire for sucide stems from loneliness. Hope it does not happen to me.

  • Alisha Peck

    That’s the best one yet . Thank you for providing comfort through your words. It was like a big hug through the screen. I’m going to read that every time I get sad .

  • Jessica Toussaint

    Oh my gosh. This is so freaking beautiful. You wrote a brilliant piece of work James. I wanted to commit suicide many times, and I still do today. Sometimes when a situation gets too heavy I think “I gotta kill myself”. In the past, I wanted to die everyday. It was because my mom abused me in many horrible ways and made me feel like shit. She told me die and tried to kill me herself. So why the fuck should I live if she’s already given me reasons why I shouldn’t? I should’ve just been a fucking abortion

    Venting and ranting aside, I am greatful for all the family, friends, and experiences that remind to keep living. Surely life ain’t perfect and shit is gonna happen. But if you give up on life, you’re giving up on yourself. At the end of the day, you’re the one that’s the most valuable. You deserve to live and value and experience all the beauties in life. If you’re struggling, DONT GIVE UP! Reach out for help, do things that make you happy, spend time with people who will pull you out of your rut in the best way they know how. Do what’s best for you. You deserve it as a special human being ^_^

  • Pinar Tarhan

    Yes, this. So much this. I suffer from Harm OCD. It basically means my head can instantly fill up with thoughts about harming myself or others. Then I question my humanity, and then I want to die so that the thoughts will be gone forever. It’s a horrible trick your brain plays on you.

    When I’m fine, though? I’m so happy people think I could never be depressed, let alone suffer from depression. (It is a stupid comment, but that is how truly happy and full of life I am.) I’m the one folllowing her passions and dreams. I’m the one who never stays in an abusive/bad relationship. I’m the one who wants romances that will put the best books and movies and songs to shame. I’m the one who watches the road twice because her friends lose sight of traffic when they talk and I make sure they are not run over. I’m the one who laughs a lot and loves to make others laugh.

    But sometimes feelings and thougths get the best of you. Circumstances, illnesses, losses… And the thought of “You have so much to live for” can trick guilt fests that increase depression.

    But really? I love life and living and people. I want to live to be 85, and still be healthy at 85 so I can do sports and hang out with friends and keep on laughing.

    I don’t want to die.

    I’m sorry for your losses, and I’m so grateful you wrote this.

  • Renae

    Yes I really fucking want to die for heart to stop never wake up again

  • Eveline Underbridge

    I honestly want to die. I have no purpose. I’m so tired. I hurt. No pill or therapy helps. I’m alive bc my parents would hurt so much..but after they go…
    I want the death of feeling, death of consciousness. I truly want to die.

    • Alisha Peck

      im sorry life is that fucked up for you. i know the feeling all to well

  • Jennifer Kelley Legge

    I’m trying desperately to hold it together. And to be around for my daughter who is 26 and getting her master’s in nursing. I just don’t know how much more I can take. I’ve lived a life of pain, both emotional and physical. I don’t ever remember a time I wasn’t hurting for one reason or another. From physical and emotional abuse from my mother growing up. (I have a half brother she hated because of his father and would regularly abuse him) and she would abuse me so he wouldn’t feel different. She didn’t tell him my dad wasn’t his dad until he was 18. It was a secret. So I would get abused for no reason. My brother sexually abused me growing up, and encouraged his friends to do the same. I was raped. And due to my insecurities as I grew older I became an alcoholic. I was in and out of rehab for 10 years. After I got sober, I developed an autoimmune disease that causes widespread chronic pain. I haven’t been able to work for years. My husband is emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. We haven’t been intimate in years. He won’t touch me like that anymore. I’m always scared. And I can’t leave him. I have no other way to support myself. I’m just so tired. Tired of nothing but the pain of living.

  • Mental_Case

    As someone who has been diagnosed with clinical depression (on meds) I’d like to share my own thoughts I used to struggle with (and still do):The feeling that you aren’t good enough. It’s been pounded into your head since you were a small child, through years of severe physical abuse. You’re no good for your family, no good for your friends… even work. You’re an intruder. “I don’t belong here. These people are all better than me. Why am I pretending?” They’ll catch on sooner or later. Someone will realize that you’re an intruder and have no place here. Your wife will realize you’re lying about being happy, and she’ll find out about all the closet drinking and self-medicating with illegal narcotics, and she won’t understand. She, along with everyone else, judges you now. You don’t want to die so you can finally gain recognition or get attention; you want to die so that people will forget you were ever here. You never had a place here. You’re not good enough to be here.

  • pikake

    This is one of the best articles I’ve read about the desire for death. Thank you so much. I attempted suicide once when I was 19. I was angry when it failed. I was angry to wake up. I’m now 34, have accomplished many of my life goals, and although have not attempted again, I still struggle almost daily with feelings of wanting to die. Thank you for sharing two both tragic yet very different stories about suicide. It helps to make a more realistic picture of it – the overweight man who was struggling financially as well as the physically fit good looking wealthy man both felt that way and did it. It goes to show it’s not about having everything outwardly visible.
    Thank you for helping me get a better perspective of what it really is I’m feeling and what I really want. Your questions make the thoughts more accurate – what is it that I want to be rid of?
    The feelings of physical pain and illness.
    The feeling of loss of control over certain aspects of my life.
    The feeling of loneliness and emotional distance.
    The feelings of rejection and apathy from my husband
    The feeling of dissatisfaction with my physical appearance
    The feeling of fear that I might not be able to get a job after my contract is done
    The feeling of fear that I am not nor never will be “enough”
    The feeling of fear that I won’t be able to make a lot of money, so I’ll be dependent on someone else who could leave me
    The fear of making a mistake
    The fear of what other people think
    The fear of being disliked
    The regret and uncertainty about whether or not I made the right decision
    The despair that my husband doesn’t seem to care about meeting my needs as much as I care about meeting his
    The horrible feeling of isolation while at the same time losing freedom and control and not having satisfying emotional or physical intimacy.
    Fear that I can never really express myself because i get shut down. Or that I have no permission to freely experiment with life anymore and I would be evil if I did…
    The feeling of anger and betrayal about certain friends and family members who care more about getting attention for themselves than being loyal to me and caring about me (not all but some).

    It’s hopeful to me that the things you wanted to die really did pass, and life got better. Thank you, thank you for writing this.

  • Chopsticks-Pony

    I want to die. Definitively. I’ve wanted to die for 443 days now. It’s not as simple as wanting a pain to away.

    I hate life. To reiterate, not just hate my local life situation, I hate life itself. There’s nothing here on this insignificant and willingly stupid planet of societies worth sticking around for, and certainly not worth any struggles. Even with the money and power of Trump and the body of an athlete. The choice between $1 million and a peaceful death is a difficult decision.

    I’ve thought long and hard about this, and I’m better off dead. It’s the best thing for me to do for myself and care for what little family doesn’t care much. I’m a drain on resources and I’ll never make up my cost on the earth.

    I’ve talked to more mental health professionals than I can count on my hands and feet. I’ve been admitted to a mental hospital 5 times in 5 months. My last 2 psychiatrists didn’t prescribe any medications because I’ve already tried taking every med developed I can have, all having only detrimental effects. Therapists turn me down left and right knowing that I’m one monstrously hopeless case. Suicide hotlines and group therapy sessions make me feel worse. I regret every instance I didn’t take the opportunity to kill myself.

    I’m only still alive because I want a good, surefire way to go. Being badly injured and making my life more miserable would be counterproductive. I’m not scared, I know what’s on the other side for me.

  • sowjanya reddy

    Hi,I want to die bcz of my mother-in-law family, they all time degrading my father, mother, sister ,brother and my sister kids, I can’t tolerate that, bcz they bought up me with a lot of struggles, they don’t have proper food and education, even though, they struggled a lot and gave good education and good life, still I am hurting them instead of supporting, it’s bcz of my motherin law , so I want to die

  • i want to stop performing life. I want to stop having to pretend I’m okay for 60 hours a week to take home a paycheck so i can live in my tiny apartment that i couldn’t afford with any job that pays less. I want to never have to sign a document in legalese again. I want to never have to do things on a schedule if I’m not feeling like I have the energy to do it. I want for when I say “I can’t do this anymore”, the end result to not be a pat on the back and a “go get ’em, tiger”. I want to crawl into a hole in the dark and never come out.

    and if I did that, I’d be useless to everyone who depends on me, so *then* I might as well be dead, since I can’t handle being a part of society, and my family ought to find someone who can and eventually move on.

    I don’t feel like people don’t love me or need me.

    I feel like i’m being crushed under the weight of expectation, and it’s endless despair with no way out but death, whether that comes now, or later.

    Sometimes, I say I want to die, because that’s what I want. Some days, I say “I’m tired”, and what I mean is, “why not now.”

  • spark123

    I lost my mom 3 years back , it hasn’t been great, I had a sister and father, my father suddenly turned to selfish mode he wanted to marry someone else right after 3 days of my mom’s death, wasn’t way to digest, my mom was in depression which I dint know the meaning of the world that time, I was 20, I couldn’t see she was suffering, she would scare many times of attempting suicide , nobody took it very serious, my sis had a sharp mouth she hurt her even more everyday, right before she did it I hurt her, I was tired of traveling from college to home 3hrs in huge traffic, I dint wanted to listen to yelling, I hurt her, there she went again and huge crisis happened in our life, ever been since that day I have been crying hard. Soon after 6 months I seperated from my dad n sister, as both of them turned abusive towards me, I couldn’t handle. Every passing day when I travelled to college I would pray to GOD, please take me away… When I reached my limits my grandparents put me to hostel, there more than 6 months day and night I would watch serials, dramas , animes and cry with emotional scenes, but somehow I had made few friends wouldn’t let me be alone all by myself sometimes, it was cheering somehow. I was unable to communicate ever in normal social ground.
    I was good student all my school and college with great grades, I was hunger for knowledge, my moms usual complaints on me were that am not like other girls in that hometown , I don’t act like them or do things like them or interested in dressing and fashioning( In India most part of near town and rural background parents have the feminine concept on girls). I wasn’t fitting, I was stubbornly in my own cartoon world of discovering more of world. I lost my will to study after this incident , lost my purpose to show I was different I am not a failure as she thought. She believed studies are not everything. I was stubborn to prove her by achieving something. I lost my very purpose and I was broken with my dad’s intention to marry someone and his sneeky ways around the people blaming on me and complaining on me. Felt like whole world turned around me…. I ran away from that world as much as I can. I was in no contact with them for 1.5yrs, neither my evil sis not my dad spoke to me. I heard “he is been married for 4-5 months “. When I had gone to my grandparents home, when my sis had come at the same time, she started to show interest in talking to me. She is no lesser than a demon with her mouth skills. For 1.5 yrs I was alone with no much financial support, I was still a student, I was drowned from all d situation that I just encountered all of a sudden, I just started to watch things non stop, day after day I just watched and cried non stop. No one would understand the pain of losing family all of a sudden. Just before incident happened mom would try making new dishes I would eat. Now no one is there around me to notice wether I eat or sleep. In hostel everyday other students would get call from their mom and dad. No one’s there to call for me… I was swallowed with what has happened in my life. I couldn’t forget for a second how my life turned around. What I had lost was something so huge. I could never taste her food ever again. I would fall to depression over n over again. I tried fighting back. There was no one to understand my pain. No one.. I want my mom so much. I dream of her everyday. Most of my dreams included the miracle happens and she is back and sometimes in reality I started to believe so much. I was in pain all along coming back to reality. I started to get more and more distanced from the normal world I couldn’t communicate with people, even my best friend’s started to go away. I tried entertaining in their grounds but it was more painful I couldn’t share my immense pain. Everyone of them never listened to me. When they did on later grounds they neglected when I expressed even a little. That made me to walk away from them even more. I couldn’t express and just listen to their usual shit with fighting with other friends which isn’t even as big as my heart’s pain. My heart was crying all along inside and scared getting cold and there was nothing I could move on. I turned out to be orphan all of a sudden. Everything seemed to shock me even more in an unbelievable ways. I started to have anxiety and fear of everything around me. Anxious about when things might turn around bad. Am working am standing on my own but I can’t communicate with people because I can’t accept what happened to me, nobody knows my situation but even so because of my depression I lag back and lost my spirit. I just feel all the time I can’t go on in my life with this pain , I want to die I want to die, when other talk what they did with their mom n dad in the weekend I feel at loss, I feel despair, I had a wonderful and caring mom, she was most beautiful, thinking I can’t do anything with her squeezes my heart in million ways. For all this time(3yrs) I had lost most of my memories of her, everything I had for 20yrs, recently am recovering those in little fragments and they are taking bait on me. I want to join wherever she is, I was most loved by one person and that was her, I want her so much, it pains my heart physically so much. Day in and day out am suffering from all kind of possible depression symptoms. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to see her again, just one more meal all my family sitting together is what I want. Just a normal thing in everybody’s family. when someone says their family going out to eat at night, I want to do that, I have realised it is so painful to keep watching me go through that. I wanted to gift my mom just like everybody did in their first salary. I couldn’t. I just hope to hug her just once. The warmth of love that I lost 3yrs back. Not once I felt love since then, I don’t want to go on in my life without her. It’s so painful. I just want to die. Is it wrong to wish peace in my heart. I can’t forget anything that happened to me to live , it’s just painful another day. This is first time I shared my story.

  • Nik Draven McFarland

    I have panic attacks on a daily basis. Sometimes more than 1 in a day. I am constantly in a state of anxiety even if I’m not in full blown fight or flight. I’m scared of everything. I haven’t had a job in 6 years. I’m on zoloft and ativan, neither seem to work. I applied for disability so that I could afford therapy. I was denied because my psychiatrist felt that being on disability would “hinder my recovery”, as if there’s a cure. I used to have certain routines, I guess relaxation techniques, things I would do to bring myself down. They don’t work anymore. I found that out after a 4 hour panic attack the other day, and that was with a double dose of ativan. My husband had always said that I didn’t need to work as long as we were frugal, so I took on the domestic role and take care of the house. I haven’t cleaned in a week because I can’t get out of bed. I’m writing this from my phone. I have to force myself to eat and the little I do eat makes me sick. My husband has no clean clothes because I can’t do laundry and he is now working full time and doing the house work. I see no future. He would literally be better off without me. The problem is, 13 years ago my brother hanged himself and I saw how it screwed up my parents. So, I mostly just feel guilty for wanting to walk in front of a train. I’m lost. There is no help, I’ve explored every possibility I can think of. When I try to talk to my husband about it he just slaps my arm and tells me to knock it off. I used to pray until I realized that there was nobody listening, and I became an atheist. I don’t even know why I’m writing this now. The only thing this article I can agree with is that no, i don’t want to die. I want to be normal. But only one option is realistic. They say suicide is selfish. How selfish is it to demand someone live with this misery?

  • Michael Chu

    Sorry if I missed this but what about chronic physical pain? I have degenerative disc disease and a family member of mine suffers from ms. Constant pain and medication. I suffer from some of what you discussed. I think you make great points but when just the act of standing up every morning causes pain it’s hard to not get suicidal and say why me?

  • Drew W

    I want to die because of how life has been utterly horrible for the entirety of my nearly 21 years of life. I’ve been emotionally abused, neglected, sometimes even physically neglected, sexually abused as a teen, and possibly sexually abused as a child. I’m completely incapable of leaving my abusive mother and am basically required to take care of her animals as well as my own, which is typically outside of my limits because I struggle to take care of myself daily. I’m mentally disabled with autism and mental illnesses. I don’t think just reading some article is going to flip my life around.

  • Rodney Davis

    This helped me so much

  • Anonymous

    I want to die right now. Admitting to one self that they are a failure and that no one cares is a hard pill to swallow. In my opinion I’m just a sad case of bad luck. No one even cares- but then i ask myself, why would anyone care anyway, they don’t know you and they have their own lives to live. So I feel so alone. No one here to hold me or care about me. I am by myself. No family, no grandma, no Grandpa, no Mommy or Daddy to talk to. I lost my daughter a few years back and now I feel like it’s my time to leave the Earth because I have nothing left to give. My dreams are over and my life has ended before I was ever given a fair chance for myself. I’m contemplating how to go.

  • Liky Mugler

    I want to die and i dont know why.

  • Fly

    I like the way you bring us in. At least for me I got a tad confused at what site I was reading. It seemed out of perspective from my impression and intent when entering.

    Very good story.

    Sadly, mine is an different bout. I do want the “feelings” to die; sometimes I want everything to end though.

    I’ll manage. I am faithful to Holy God in this

  • lina

    I want to die…. i’m suffering schizoaffective disorder. but i dont think i have that serious mental illness…. i’ve said about it countless times to doctors and counsellors.. nobody can cure me. i have serious symptoms that doesn’t relate to that disease…. my friends are left me and i feel every day my symptoms going worse even if i take medicine.. my parents hate me i always feel the symptoms that i have, i went suicide prevent center but it didn’t worked.. i’m living in south korea…. i lost what i really wanted.. i lost my life’s dream… it’s really hard to walk or even talk because of symptoms.. but i think i have something different kind of mental disease not schizoaffective disorder. i lost EVERYTHING…. i really want to kill myself…….. i searched how to die these days…. i dont have any friends and i don’t have talent to have new friends. i have no hope.