My Resume

my resume

My Resume

I’m scared to death of having a job. But you never know what opportunities could come my way. There’s a lot of money out there willing to pay anyone. So I figured I’d dust off my resume, finally accept every LinkedIn request and just put it out there. You know, to see what was up.


- Graduated with a 2.99999 average, BA in Computer Science.

Really should not have graduated but begged Fortran professor to move me up from a D- to a D+ and he said, “yes”.

Needed a 3.0 to graduate in 3 years because I didn’t want to take out loans for a fourth year. I think I technically still don’t have the degree because I owed library fines.

Thrown out of graduate school.

Failed seven of the eight courses I took in a two year period. Received a letter citing my “lack of maturity” but that the door was open if I ever somehow gained that maturity.

I learned a lot from the experience. I learned that most people back then didn’t know how to protect their private files, even if their accounts were password protected. Chances are they left the files in their folder open to the public so if you read the .mbox file you could read all of their email.

Read all of the love letters a famous visiting professor had. Read the “recommendation” from one professor that completely trashed me.

I also learned that chances are if you are reduced to stalking the girl you think you love, then chances are it's never going to work out.

Even if you think she's the only girl you can ever like. With three billion women on the planet it's hard to imagine that girl won such an unwanted lottery.

During this period I wrote four or five unpublished (or I should say, “unpublishable”) novels and about 50 short stories.)

I drove all my friends crazy by forcing them to read each one. One girl said to my girlfriend, “doesn’t it bother you that he writes so much about masturbation and prostitution?”

Another time, I forced my girlfriend to read my 500 page novel and when she was finished and said, “this is great!” I asked her to tell me the ending she had read ten minutes earlier. She couldn’t remember.

Altogether I collected about 400 rejection letters. They were all form letters. Not a single note of encouragement.



#10 employee at Fore Systems.

Left every day at 4:45pm on the dot, proud of my punctuality. Learned to hitch hike. Closed office door all day long so I could work on various unpublished novels.

Quit one day by simply not showing up. Every other employee got rich in the IPO a year or so after I quit.

Worked at Carnegie Mellon’s Center for Machine Translation.

Wrote one program that I had to maintain. It never broke so I never had to do any work. Played chess online 20 hours a day until I had carpal tunnel syndrome.

Too much one minute chess. The guy in the office next door was writing Lycos, the first big search engine for the “world wide web”. Whenever my boss knocked on my locked office door I would pretend I wasn't in, particularly if I was in the middle of a game of chess.

People complained about me but there was nothing they could do. Nobody could understand the messed-up way I had programmed the program they were all using so nobody could fix it but me.


Was in charge of their website. Started a company on the side. Outsourced HBO’s entire website to my own company. Became highest paid junior programmer analyst in HBO as a result. Then spent every Tuesday night interviewing prostitutes and drug dealers for HBO website.

Learned important communication skills: like how to interrupt a drunken arguing couple at 3 in the morning and ask them why they were arguing.

Learned how to ask out girls who put their phone numbers on the release forms. Had one transvestite explain to me what a “chocolate highway”’ was. Had another prostitute justify her income when she said, “Men don’t pay to have sex with me. Men pay so they can leave after having sex.”

Shot it as a pilot also for HBO but the head of HBO Family Programming said, "for material like this you need to show someone shooting their mother while naked or you need to show your neighbors fucking."

- Reset.

Started a company that made websites for entertainment companies (and Con Edison). Got most of clients through bribery. Else I would’ve had no clients. Got acquired.

One year to the day after acquired I quit. Precisely when all the clients were quitting. The company that bought mine went bankrupt three years to the day after buying my company.


Started a company that would help Fortune 100 companies create “wireless websites”. Raised $100 million, including $2 million from Palestinian hero Yasser Arafat.

Lost all the money. BUT, Vaultus got acquired by Antenna Software. I was kicked out as CEO and thrown off the board. Tried to use 9/11 as an excuse but board’s response was: “we were all affected by 9/11”.

Learned that I am too shy as CEO. Would call secretary before arriving at office to make sure nobody was in the hallway between the elevator and my office so I could run in and lock door.

212 Ventures.

Raised $125mm in a VC fund from Investcorp, CS First Boston, First Union (now Wachovia), and, I want to say, Banker’s Trust? But is that even a bank now? I forget.

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  • Put about $40mm to work, give or take. Maybe $30mm. Return on that $30mm: about $3mm. I am completely blaming the Internet “bust”. We started putting money to work in March, 2000.
  • During this period, lost $15 million of my own money in part by co-investing with VC fund. Lost my home. Lost my sanity for awhile. Started to meditate five hours a day to try and recover. Lost my mind. Found it in the gutter but then lost it again.
  • Also blaming Investcorp for not giving us more time. They were so disgusted with us they bought out our ten year contract in June, 2001. That said, they wanted me to stay on as an employee but I went the way of…


Daytraded for myself and for various hedge funds. The first big hedge fund that hired me fired me when I wrote a book and they thought I stole all their ideas.

Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t. I made money and they went to zero so who knows?

Started a fund of hedge funds.

Invested in 12 funds. 11 of them are gone now. Several of the fund managers are on the run. One or two will end up in jail. A few of them settled with the SEC. Several are in ongoing discussions with authorities ranging from the SEC to the CFTC to the IRS to the FBI to the DOJ. My initials are JAA. None of the funds are in negotiations with me.


A social media site for finance. I have nothing bad to say about it. It actually was a good website at the time. Sold it to I had a three year contract with thestreet.

After about 8 months I stopped showing up for work. I don’t think I ever went in the building again.

After 2 years they asked to change my contract and reduce my salary. I quit and offered to write for them for free but they said “no” for some reason. I waived my severance pay so I could write for others.

A few weeks ago they asked me to write for them again when they reviewed their historical pageview records and saw my pageview numbers. But I ignored the email. Good luck!


Was very successful in its first few months of crowdsourcing advertisements for major brands without their permission. Procter & Gamble even submitted ads for their own products, trying to win the $1000 reward I was offering.

The second brand was “Monster Soda”. 30 or so submissions. Then I lost interest and just stopped updating the site. My ex-wife and I were separating and I lost interest in everything. My TV appearances were depressing to watch. Junglesmash went down the tubes.

All of my investing went south. And it was October, 2008 so every time I went on TV the Dow lost another 500 points. I wrote to Erin Burnett, whose show I went on every Tuesday and told her that every time I was on her show the Dow went down 500 points. She stopped responding and she stopped inviting me on.

- The Financial Times stopped my column in March, 2009.

I suspect it was because I was too bullish. The market doubled almost immediately afterwards. Probably because I was handing out chocolate to every trader who walked into the New York Stock Exchange in March, 2009.

So in a several month period I stopped going on CNBC, stopped writing for the FT, stopped going on Yahoo Finance, and stopped writing for And  then the market went straight up.

I started a company:

A dating site for Twitter. On the day money was being raised I shut down the company and returned whatever money had already come in.

I had lost interest because I was no longer dating. I thought starting a dating site would increase my odds of finding a date but once I found someone I lost interest in the site. Plus it was a bad idea.

For the life of me I can’t remember the bulk of what I did between May, 2009 and November 2010.

I know during this period I got married, I went to India, I went to Argentina (two countries I never thought I would visit) and I moved out of NYC. But I can’t remember anything else. Oh, I took a job with a private equity firm for about a week or so.

One day, in the middle of a meeting I had set up I said, “excuse me for just one minute, I have to go to the bathroom” and I walked out of the meeting, walked out of the building without my coat, walked to the subway, went to Grand Central, and never came back to the office. Never returned their calls afterwards.

November, 2010. I got sick of it.

“IT”. I didn’t care anymore. Sick of kissing ass. Getting clients for bullshit. Raising money. Listening to lies. Lying to people. Taking meetings.

Talking to people I didn’t like. Always anxious. Always worried. Always defending after offending. I took a big giant break.

I would only talk to people I liked. Only businesses I liked. Only write what I wanted to write. Only think about what I wanted to think about. Breathe in the fresh air. Breathe it out. It felt like a great weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I was out of the game.

I didn’t want to play anymore. I started a blog at to be honest about it all.  I wrote a bunch of books. I write for other places. I didn’t care what anyone said about me or thought about me. I wanted to expose what I thought was all the brainwashing. I liked what I was doing. I started focusing on my health and spiritual life more.

Doing the same thing.

Every day I ask: what else could I be doing. I wait for the answer. And then I do it.

Today: I’m grateful you read this. I am alive.

[See also, ", The Ultimate Dating Service"

and, "Prostitute, Drugs, and HBO"

and "How I Screwed Yasser Arafat out of $2 million"

and "How to succeed in LA Without Really Trying"]


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It's time to make the most important decision of your life: Choose Yourself.

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  • Inspiring as always

  • brianbergquist

    Haha, this is awesome. I thought I was the only one who walked out on “good” jobs that I just couldn’t stand anymore.

    Not for the feint of heart, but the stress that gets taken off your shoulders immediately after is usually worth it.

    If I only had more of a safety net…

  • I’ve been trying hard to devote all my energy into engaging with people I like (or that I perceive mutual value with). It’s interesting how alienating it can be, but the more I do it the more I enjoy it and the more beneficial I think it is.

    Thanks for that tip many many many months ago.

    There’s nearly 7 billion people in the world, it doesn’t hurt to be picky who you spend time engaging with.

  • great post :) Some funny stories about your work ethics in the past

  • Carsten Hucho


  • Marius

    Best post in a while James. Had to laugh every couple of lines. ^^

  • Hope

    I’m just wondering if your meetings the other day went well. Did you change your shirt beforehand?

  • Sooz


  • chimera

    wow! that is an awesome journey and very interesting. You did not mention how you became completely honest. I think some people are restless and their minds run a 100 mile a minute, you are one of them. In order to redirect that energy usefully, it would take immense effort. I am glad you did it and more than that, documenting it for us all. You truly are an inspiration, James. thanks for everything especially for writing , because it is the first thing I check when I login at work :)

  • Kunal

    I noticed you been able to walk away from things, when your heart’s not in it. How do you pay the bills? Have you made enough in the past that its not an issue?

    • Capitalistic

      I think it’s the wrong question to ask. As you can see, he’s started or been apart of multi-million dollar businesses. That’s the moral of the resume to me

  • Taylor

    Great post. You kinda remind me of Larry David.

  • I love November 2010 onwards…

  • Thank you again James. Both hysterically funny and genuinely moving post.

  • Thanks for sharing this … I love your blog, and am so inspired to see the timeline of experiences that led you to create it.

  • Love this post! It does beg the question, what does the “other A” stand for? J.? A.

  • James, that is a great write-up. So much raw emotion, truth, feelings – simply awesome. Thank you. TJ

  • Mikderby

    And I’m grateful you wrote it…..It made me feel more alive!

  • Martyn

    Great post, James.

    Real life, honestly expressed, …funny and informative…

  • Oriain

    Interesting post, James. Came at an interesting time, too. I just happen to be looking back over my life’s “resume” and found it to be a directionless, eclectic collection of almost was’s and complacent safety nets dictated by my fear of failure, success and the unknown. Always tried to be the person I was told I should be. I’ve accomplished very little in my life, if anything at all. I’m now in the “3rd period of my life” and am trying to become the person I’ve always wanted to be and always had the potential to be. Reading things like this help me realize that there is so much more to a person than what we initially see. That there’s always a history. And that all my excuses that keep me supposedly safe are keeping me exactly where I don’t want to be. Thanks, James.

  • Ctreporter

    Love it. Everybody gets tired of the bullshit eventually. You realize you don’t want to be like or replicate any of the people you meet. You don’t want to put effort into options that present themselves that do absolutely nothing to help other people. You don’t want to create more BS. I just want to be myself, be happy, yet make a nice living so myself and my family are comfortable as life goes on, but people don’t respect that. They want to crush you instead, so it’s always a fight, a struggle. I don’t want to fight and compete and struggle anymore. I want to live and grow and be free, while still making a decent living without always looking over my shoulder for the next competitor. But that’s too much to ask of life at the moment. I’m working on it.

  • Zardoz123

    Neat resume James. I found this sentence very funny James, and also courageous and maybe a little crazy too (crazy in a good, liberating kind of way). “One day, in the middle of a meeting I had set up I said, “excuse me for just one minute, I have to go to the bathroom” and I walked out of the meeting, walked out of the building without my coat, walked to the subway, went to Grand Central, and never came back to the office. Never returned their calls afterwards. “

  • I love reading your writing. Unbelievably candid – which makes it inspiring. That is all.

  • TheOfficialJustMe

    Walking out of that office and not looking back is like something out of the movie Office Space. By the way, the model and the mirror is a stunning photo. Where is it from?

  • How did you ever summon up the courage to quit after just days of working somewhere you didn’t like? My head would have kept telling me that I was just lazy and a quitter :/

  • I read your posts when I worked for somebody else. I read your posts now that I work for myself and carve my own path in life. I always find your posts insightful and entertaining to read. That’s an impressive resume you have there :) Keep it going!

  • kf

    what most intrigues or interests you these days?

  • jgarma

    Talent trumps convention.

  • Amazing life story. Big fan form the beginning and a big fan today!

  • Gonzalo Gandia

    Your resume is amazing (if you left out the satirical content and cleaned it up, you’d be able to get pretty well any job). It ‘s crazy that you’ve raised so much money…is it that easy to do? How does a “shy person” inspire confidence with investors for any project? I’m betting that you have a very broad definition of the word “shy”…

  • Yuppie

    I always check out your blog but I don’t normally finish reading an entire post. Sometimes it’s too long. Sometimes it’s too dark. Sometimes, it’s entertaining enough, I skim through all the bold sub-titles. But I like your blog and your experiences are so broad they are worth-writing about, that’s why I keep coming back. And even before you put it into words, I have believed in your TDP principle.
    Today, I had a really rough day at work that at the end of it, I just wanted to read or watch anything to get my mind off it. This thing here resonated with me: “I would only talk to people I liked. Only businesses I liked. Only write what I wanted to write. Only think about what I wanted to think about. Breathe in the fresh air. Breathe it out.”
    My thoughts exactly. Or more like “wishes” at this point. Like many others, I long for the freedom. But not quite sure how to get there. You’re lucky.

  • Ron

    James you are my hero

  • Farmer

    In my opinion, the next 10 years will be a 100% paradigm shift in America.
    Paper fortunes will go up in smoke because of the corruption that permeates the “system”
    Don’t worry about “resumes”. Can you garden, can you fix things, do you have livestock, or metals. Can you live with stress in a crime filled Agentina type collapse. Family and trusted friends will be key assets.

  • I’d hire you.

  • jasontoheal

    Great post. It gives people new to your blog a quick rundown on your past and a glimps into your psyche. I enjoy reading your blog James. It’s great to see someone being honest and still respectful.

  • Watch me go all editor on your ass. (Sorry)
    I think fortran requires a hyperlink. I’m a semi geek and I’m almost as old as you, so I got it in context because when I first learned computers in 4th grade they actually taught you a little bit of programming. ( I wish I could remember anything past C:WindowsRUN. )

    I think many people could relate to your November 2010 — in fact, their July 2012 might look just like that, but are so very scared to act. They’re scared of being poor. Of being hated. Of losing their homes and families. Of failing. Of looking stupid or bad. Those folks could use a few hyperlinks in this post back to some of your previous writing about failure. :)

  • truzo

    Best yet[?] Chronology definitely helps

  • Andrew Ferri

    Yes, very inspiring. But every time I “walk away” I lose my apartment and car. End up becoming a strain on loved ones who need to help me. So I do what they tell me, so I can get a pay check and be “decent.” I envy your talent and attitude and I would be happier if I had some more of that, but I can’t.

    • Stewart

      I believe in you…

  • Erin

    SIGH. Love it James!

  • Erin Parker

    I love that you just walked out of a meeting, without so much as a goodbye. That’s totally a ninja move.

  • Capitalistic

    What a beautiful resume. It appears you chose the roads less traveled. Awesome!

  • kamalravikant

    Hot damn, James. I’ve read this twice, loved it. I’m grateful that you wrote this…and that you’re alive.

  • Jim

    What a wonderful post James. It made me laugh out loud while at the same time admire you. You have a great sense of humor.

  • Easyrhino1

    “One day, in the middle of a meeting I had set up I said, “excuse me for just one minute, I have to go to the bathroom” and I walked out of the meeting, walked out of the building without my coat, walked to the subway, went to Grand Central, and never came back to the office. Never returned their calls afterwards”
    You sound like an irresponsible self absorbed prick that’s never grown up. Good luck!

  • truthtalker

    You sound like a sociopath. Disgusting. Irresponsible. Conman.

  • Love it, James. This is the stuff dreams are made of!

  • GreyLens


    Actually, I can’t believe I’m leaving this message…not that I expect you to read it. I generally don’t do this. I read a couple of your previous papers on LRC. Frankly, I was perplexed at their decision, or, I guess, Lew’s decision, to include you in the community from which he usually draws work. I immediately found your work tedious and have usually not gone past the titles.

    For some reason this piece captivated me. I’ve always been fascinated by the phenomenon of people listening with such interest to advice or perspective from others who have been so useless before. Confessions from drug addicts or alcoholics carry more credence to a user than advice from someone who was strong enough or smart enough or disciplined enough or scared enough to not go down that path. I’ve found that often such folks suffered in their formative years from severe inattention from anyone who cared for them like a father and mother or, even more rare, a real friend. I was lucky in that regard. I was raised by some great people and I have a couple of real friends. Not like the cool ones on the TV show of that title a few years back. None of my real friends are cool. Neither am I. Boring. …I digress.

    What I mean to say is I find your confessional useful. Thank you. It provides that foundation of knowledge I needed to understand why I found your other work so tedious and makes me feel better about likely skipping your future work. Your life of lies and manipulation and self indulgence and dishonesty and many other shameful behaviors is something I was fortunately educated about by other boring people (my parents, though they’re not boring to me) to try to avoid. I sought out similar people in my life and it has helped to avoid becoming someone that folks that like to read your work would look to for advice. I lack the character scars that come from the kind of life you’ve led to date. Hence, the lack of credibility and uselessness of this comment.

    Why am I writing this? Obviously a bit of anger and jealousy. You have an audience and I do not. Very interesting. But, I’m still not comfortable doing the kinds of things you’ve done to get one. Also, I’m not a writer. As Gary North says…if you don’t write then in a few years you will never have existed. You have me beat there for sure.

    I’m encouraged for you, though. I will continue to read the titles of your future works posted on LRC. I usually have limited time to read Ron Paul, Mises, Rothbard, Hoppe, De Soto, Murphy, Woods, Rockwell, Schiff, Tenebrarum, Shedlock, Locke, Jefferson, and so, so many others. But, I have hope that you’re growing up a bit. You’re certainly a creative writer with some real talent. Which, I, obviously, am not. Boring. Nonetheless, you have quite a readership (I have none) so you have some influence (I have none) so hopefully your self indulgent meanderings will prove of benefit to someone. And, maybe, someday, you’ll begin to write something useful to the boring. Meantime, I’ll keep faith with Lew’s obvious belief that you have something to offer. He’s a smart man for sure.

    Keep up the work. Oh, yes, I know that small encouragement was not needed.

    • redhorse

      A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn’t care to drink with, even if he drank.

      H. L. Mencken

      • GreyLens

        Prohibitionist? No, just uncool. Everyone should be able to do as they please with or without other consenting adults so long has they don’t commit fraud (legal or otherwise) or use violence.

  • Greekfury

    sounds like my life except I never made that much money and I’m married and have kids and i’m much more capable than this moron yet much much more broke!… wait, this sounds nothing like my life.

  • You say that you’re shy, but you have enough gumption to talk people into investing millions of dollars in your enterprises. I envy that.

  • José P.

    James, you are my anti-hero.

  • Gooaapp

    It’s fascinating how you’ve managed to both be at the right place and time, tech bubble/companies getting online and also raise millions of dollars for your ventures, then shit goes down and you walk away.

    I think it’s totally effected your perception of how easy it is to get money, make it in the world. I’m curious, can you talk about how you raise/raised money? Or why?

  • Thanks for this honest article. Watched some youtube vids of you because of this.

  • Rich

    Your resume isn’t a victory, as so many seem to feel. You cheated your employers, and you REALLY cheated yourself. Just imagine what you could accomplish for the world with your talents if you were less self absorbed.

    When you are older, perhaps you will feel,as the quote from “On the Waterfront” goes, that “I could have been a contender…”


  • Dear James, I think your resume sucks, It looks like the greatest pity party the world has ever known. How about “Life sucks and then you die” ? or better yet “I was a big failure and learned to accept it? or ” I was in Jamestown and drank the Koolaid even though I knew it was laced with poisin because I loved Jim Jones?” It is your choice how you wish to represent yourself, tell the story of your life. If i really thought you sucked on a personal level I would not give you this feedback, but rather drop a meme on you to realize the worst you want to cast of your life with hope you would actualize your dreams.
    The text is trash, you are trashing yourself without good cause per my view.
    Who am I? I take care of people who matter to me.
    Your resume can use a new doo. Perhaps a behive like Marge Simpson, Eric Hoffer had a nice bald head and good mind. Nothing wrong with sharing your pain in my opinion, but serious wrong doing in trashing yourself within the context of your presentation. Oh yea what do I have to be greatful about?
    Get a clue buddy, time is now, 168 hrs./wk. for the rest of your life.
    All the best!

  • Luke Nodella

    Great post! It actually takes a lot of balls to do some of the things you have done. In my case, I guess I am just used to kissing ass like every one else. Yes, I did have dreams of how my life would look like… I wanted to sail around the world .. yadda… yadda.. yadda… then the kids came along, the mortgage, etc.

  • Guruprasad V

    Shall I write with brutal honesty and use some filthy words. You’re such a really really intelligent guy but with asshole attitude created big mess for your life. I’m so angry how an intelligent person like you could have some shitty attitude like what you’ve mentioned in the resume. Only thing is you’re honest with your resume, whereas no one would be this much honest. Salute to this new found attitude. Let nature give you great luck and love in your future.

  • Dorrie Tames Powell

    Just came across your blog and had to say thank you! You are such a fantastic writer! Brilliant, hilarious, inspiring… I am loving it!

  • Daniel

    Great stuff! Makes me want to give you a great big hug. Which of course, I won’t, since you don’t like being touched!

    I feel the same about a lot of stuff. Unfortunately I am almost out of money and need to start working a regular job again. Dreading it.

    Look forward to reading more of your blog!

  • Ann Marie

    Wow. Thank you. That’s all I can say, with as much power behind it as this resume.

  • It bother you that he writes so much about masturbation and
    prostitution?” Another time, I forced my girlfriend to read my 500 page
    novel and when she was finished and said, “this is great!” I asked her
    to tell me the ending she had read ten minutes earlier. She couldn’t

  • Homo Minimus

    Hi, James, I would like to ask for your permission to translate your resume to spanish and post it (linked to your webpage) at my personal blog. Thanks in advance (even if you say No).

    Homo Minimus

  • Isaac Miranda

    James I like your resume. Reminds me of a film I want to recommend to you. “How to get ahead in advertising”. Watch it twice.

  • William

    As always great ! Man i should have meet you long ago !

  • You witnessed ken Lang developing lycos including the search filter used by google. Stockpickr deserved more spotlight and theStreet can get my picks @myTraderGang. James, we needed you in 2009 to tell us havenots to buy and hold stocks.

    • Trader, I DID! i would go on CNBC and Yahoo Finance all the time. But everyone just laughed at me. So I stopped going on and started doing this blog. Dropped finance stuff completely. Not worth it to me.

  • If i could pick your brain for 5 minutes. somersaults.

  • Tracy Lovett

    Love the last 5 sentences. That is IT for me.

  • Hamdango

    I love the idea of you being able to get up, leave a meeting, leave the building and never return. It’s easy to let life pull you around without really thinking whether you are in a place that you want to be.

    Your blog is really great at being insightful to people like me, still trying to figure large parts of life out.

  • Nick N. Sane

    This is really interesting.
    Kind of like me but with a lot more experience.
    This might also happen to me someday.

  • JustSaying

    He is either a narcissistic sociopath or a dick. Even if you are going to start your own business, I don’t think walking out on commitments is a wise way to maintain relationships.