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Most People Are Evil Idiots. Now What?

You decide to plagiarize one of the most successful books ever. You take a book that won the National Book Award and you retype it from scratch and pretend it’s yours. You…

You decide to plagiarize one of the most successful books ever. You take a book that won the National Book Award and you retype it from scratch and pretend it’s yours. You submit it to 20 publishers. You put a fake name on it. 100% of the publishers send back rejection letters. They hated it! […]

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The Thanksgiving When I Lied to Thousands of People

The first Thanksgiving that I spent alone was right after I separated from my wife. By the end of that day I experienced: fear, loneliness, lying to thousands of people, and enjoying…

The first Thanksgiving that I spent alone was right after I separated from my wife. By the end of that day I experienced: fear, loneliness, lying to thousands of people, and enjoying it. I woke up and I imagined my kids saying, “Is Daddy going to be with us?” They were tiny still. They didn’t […]

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How to Lose Friends and Not Influence People

“He beat his wife to the point where her face was split open,” our friend told us at lunch. “Then they called a private doctor who came over to the house to…

“He beat his wife to the point where her face was split open,” our friend told us at lunch. “Then they called a private doctor who came over to the house to sew up his wife’s face.” I was having a hard time picturing it. “How do you know?” I asked. “I spoke to the […]

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Why Colleges Are Going Down the Drain: A True Story

FIRST… THE THREAT! Her college sent this email to me and my daughter at the end of her second year. Dear [X], This in an IMPORTANT email reminding you of your debt…

FIRST… THE THREAT! Her college sent this email to me and my daughter at the end of her second year. Dear [X], This in an IMPORTANT email reminding you of your debt to [ABCD College] in the amount of $16.92! This amount is your damage fee you were assessed back in May. It is VERY […]

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My New Gambling Addiction: Betting on the News

Newspapers are evil. Ten years ago I decided, every time I want to read, I’d read a book instead of a newspaper. Not to be snobbish. But newspapers are just full of…

Newspapers are evil. Ten years ago I decided, every time I want to read, I’d read a book instead of a newspaper. Not to be snobbish. But newspapers are just full of sh*t. I know. I wrote for five of them. People say to me, “That’s stupid. How do you get informed?” What? I’m a […]

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Altucher’s Book Club: How to Live to the Age of 200

When you land in Dallas, they hand out conspiracy theories at the airport. JFK was shot in the throat. Then shot in the head. But who did it? On the Uber from…

When you land in Dallas, they hand out conspiracy theories at the airport. JFK was shot in the throat. Then shot in the head. But who did it? On the Uber from the airport, the Uber driver told us, “JFK switched his route at the last minute so THEY called ahead to see if anyone […]

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The 13 Things I Regret Not Telling Her

“Playing with your kids will make you feel better,” my mother told me. My grandmother told me, “Play with your daughters. It will calm you down.” I had been depressed for precisely…

“Playing with your kids will make you feel better,” my mother told me. My grandmother told me, “Play with your daughters. It will calm you down.” I had been depressed for precisely 19 months at that point. I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. I was four months away from going broke. I […]

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