How To Not Succeed In Business Without Really Trying

I met a girl in a bar. Which is the first and only time I had ever done that.

She said, “try this”. It was a drink. I tried it. We ordered two more. Then two more. Then two more. then two more.

I went to the urine-stenched bathroom. I came back. She was kissing another guy. I was dizzy. I was blurry. I said, “hey!” She said, “he was just being friendly”.

Two more. The bartender was laughing at my jokes. He googled me and gave me free drinks. Two more. He said he would buy my book. He watched a video of me.

What were we drinking? Something something. The bathroom at that point was in a telephone booth. I think I went there.

We were out in the street. It was raining. It was three in the morning. She was laughing.

I fell in the middle of the street. Lexington and 50th. Cars were coming. My face wet against the ground. I think I fell asleep. She fell also, on top of me. Laughing.

Cars honked and swerved around us.

We crawled to the corner. I don’t think any cars hit us but if they had then maybe I’m dead and this is just another universe I’m answering this in.

We made it to my hotel room. I forgot my room number. I forgot how to use the key. I forgot I was with the girl.

I went to my room and she collapsed in the living room. I fell asleep. About an hour later I woke up and was feeling sick.

I ran into the bathroom and along the way I projectile vomited along the walls, the bed, the bathroom, the floor.

When I was finished I fell asleep back down on the bed, which had my vomit.

A few hours later I had to wake up. I got dressed. I put on a tie.

I saw the girl in the living room. She was a little out of focus for my eyes.

She was half on the couch and her legs were on the floor. Her mouth was open. She was snoring.

I left. I walked a few blocks. I found myself in an office on Fifth Avenue. I was late. Everyone was in a boardroom looking at me.

“Sorry I’m late,” I said. “Sorry,” my stomach said to me. I was feeling sick. Like I would throw up again.

And then I explained to everyone in the room why they should give me money for my new business.

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