Blog Category: Family

The 13 Things I Regret Not Telling Her

“Playing with your kids will make you feel better,” my mother told me. My grandmother told me, “Play with your daughters. It will calm you down.” I had been depressed for precisely…

“Playing with your kids will make you feel better,” my mother told me. My grandmother told me, “Play with your daughters. It will calm you down.” I had been depressed for precisely 19 months at that point. I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. I was four months away from going broke. I […]

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What They Forgot to Tell You About Having Children

Having children is awful. “Oh, it’s the most precious experience there is!” Stop the B.S. A) A one-foot-tall brand new U.S. citizen suddenly moves into your house and you are FORCED to…

Having children is awful. “Oh, it’s the most precious experience there is!” Stop the B.S. A) A one-foot-tall brand new U.S. citizen suddenly moves into your house and you are FORCED to child-proof every object in your life. B) This one-foot-tall U.S. citizen (and what did she even do to deserve that passport?) doesn’t speak […]

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I Didn’t Want Her To Be Born. And Then…

I didn’t want her. I thought to myself, how can I love anyone as much as I love Josie (her older sister)? And then Mollie was born. When a baby is born…

I didn’t want her. I thought to myself, how can I love anyone as much as I love Josie (her older sister)? And then Mollie was born. When a baby is born this is what happens: A new one foot tall US citizen moves into your house, can’t speak English, shits on the floor, cries […]

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EVERY DAY IS AN ADVENTURE WHEN YOU SPEND IT WITH PEOPLE YOU LOVE

A little girl was melting and screaming in agony. Her brother was trying to help her but couldn’t. I showed Josie a movie of Hiroshima when she was about five years old.…

A little girl was melting and screaming in agony. Her brother was trying to help her but couldn’t. I showed Josie a movie of Hiroshima when she was about five years old. Mistake. Josie woke up crying and hitting her pillow at three in the morning. I held her and talked her to sleep. Stupid […]

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Teach Your Kid How To Kill People…

I taught Mollie poker. I told her you have to learn how to kill people and this is the easiest way to start. She said, “What do you mean?” “You have to…

I taught Mollie poker. I told her you have to learn how to kill people and this is the easiest way to start. She said, “What do you mean?” “You have to want to destroy me. To confuse me. To lie to me. To completely obliterate me, take all my money, and laugh in my […]

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What I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Had Children

Having children is awful. The first night I was the father of a child I left the hospital as soon as everyone was drugged up and I played poker all night at…

Having children is awful. The first night I was the father of a child I left the hospital as soon as everyone was drugged up and I played poker all night at the Mayfair Club. Ingrid, at the front door, refused to let me in until I insisted everyone was drugged and there was nothing […]

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Sisters

Since they’ve been born I’ve been afraid of three things:   One, that eventually they would hate each other.. Only because many siblings do. So I take these photos to show them…

Since they’ve been born I’ve been afraid of three things:   One, that eventually they would hate each other.. Only because many siblings do. So I take these photos to show them all the times they’ve loved each other. That they delight in each other’s company. Two, perhaps egotistically, that they would call each other […]

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