Blog Category: Family

Teach Your Kid How To Kill People…

I taught Mollie poker. I told her you have to learn how to kill people and this is the easiest way to start. She said, “What do you mean?” “You have to…

I taught Mollie poker. I told her you have to learn how to kill people and this is the easiest way to start. She said, “What do you mean?” “You have to want to destroy me. To confuse me. To lie to me. To completely obliterate me, take all my money, and laugh in my […]

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What I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Had Children

Having children is awful. The first night I was the father of a child I left the hospital as soon as everyone was drugged up and I played poker all night at…

Having children is awful. The first night I was the father of a child I left the hospital as soon as everyone was drugged up and I played poker all night at the Mayfair Club. Ingrid, at the front door, refused to let me in until I insisted everyone was drugged and there was nothing […]

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Sisters

Since they’ve been born I’ve been afraid of three things:   One, that eventually they would hate each other.. Only because many siblings do. So I take these photos to show them…

Since they’ve been born I’ve been afraid of three things:   One, that eventually they would hate each other.. Only because many siblings do. So I take these photos to show them all the times they’ve loved each other. That they delight in each other’s company. Two, perhaps egotistically, that they would call each other […]

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I Don't Know How to Be a Good Father

She was a little over two feet tall. She was a US citizen. But she didn’t speak English. She would shit in her pants. She couldn’t feed herself. She cried often for no…

She was a little over two feet tall. She was a US citizen. But she didn’t speak English. She would shit in her pants. She couldn’t feed herself. She cried often for no reason. She hit me. She’d get out of the bath and there was no need for clothes. Just a black mess of wet […]

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I am the Bravest Man Alive!

Yesterday, 10pm, I was asleep and the opening of my bedroom door woke me up – my 9 year old daughter was in a panic. “Something’s wrong with Josie!” Josie is her…

Yesterday, 10pm, I was asleep and the opening of my bedroom door woke me up – my 9 year old daughter was in a panic. “Something’s wrong with Josie!” Josie is her older sister. Like any concerned father I tried to keep my eyes shut, “What?” I murmured. “You have to come down!” she said. […]

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I Hope to God I don't Repeat the Past

[Note: for privacy issues I’ve slightly rewritten the beginning of this post.] My dad’s first marriage fell apart with him going crazy on the floor of his shit Bronx apartment. His brain…

[Note: for privacy issues I’ve slightly rewritten the beginning of this post.] My dad’s first marriage fell apart with him going crazy on the floor of his shit Bronx apartment. His brain fell apart. He threw things, he screamed. I’ve never once seen my dad raise my voice. But crazy can hit the human body […]

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I Want My Daughters to Be Lesbians

The other day a little boy, 11 years old, grabbed the head of my 12 year old girl and forced her to kiss him. She didn’t want it to happen. As innocuous…

The other day a little boy, 11 years old, grabbed the head of my 12 year old girl and forced her to kiss him. She didn’t want it to happen. As innocuous as it sounds, it was the first time her space had been invaded by someone of the opposite sex and it resulted in […]

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