Blog Category: Love

EVERY DAY IS AN ADVENTURE WHEN YOU SPEND IT WITH PEOPLE YOU LOVE

A little girl was melting and screaming in agony. Her brother was trying to help her but couldn’t. I showed Josie a movie of Hiroshima when she was about five years old.…

A little girl was melting and screaming in agony. Her brother was trying to help her but couldn’t. I showed Josie a movie of Hiroshima when she was about five years old. Mistake. Josie woke up crying and hitting her pillow at three in the morning. I held her and talked her to sleep. Stupid […]

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What's Love Got To Do With It?

I’ve had breakups in May, August, November, October, June, April, January (my birthday), July (I’m not much fun in the summer, it seems. The worst is when they walk out the door…

I’ve had breakups in May, August, November, October, June, April, January (my birthday), July (I’m not much fun in the summer, it seems. The worst is when they walk out the door and say, “see you later” and you never see them again. The other go-to technique is when one side moves to another city […]

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How To Be Married For Five Years

I’m surprised Claudia Azula Altucher hasn’t divorced me yet. I’m surprised that she decided to date me to begin with. I was a separated, but married, man. I had 2 kids. I…

I’m surprised Claudia Azula Altucher hasn’t divorced me yet. I’m surprised that she decided to date me to begin with. I was a separated, but married, man. I had 2 kids. I had the IRS freezing my assets on a regular basis. The bank was going to take the house my kids lived in. I […]

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The Autobiography of Kissing

I’ve written about 1000 posts now, give or take and if you haven’t figured out how to kiss girls yet then you haven’t been really listening to me. But I’d figure I’d…

I’ve written about 1000 posts now, give or take and if you haven’t figured out how to kiss girls yet then you haven’t been really listening to me. But I’d figure I’d summarize anyway. And, of course, being able to kiss girls (and then later…women) has everything to do with making a lot of money. […]

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Love Is….

“How do I stop loving a girl who doesn’t love me,” someone asked me. I didn’t answer him correctly. I gave some bullshit answer. The correct answer is: there’s nothing you can…

“How do I stop loving a girl who doesn’t love me,” someone asked me. I didn’t answer him correctly. I gave some bullshit answer. The correct answer is: there’s nothing you can do. You’re in pain. You’re wounded. Time heals all wounds. For me, I fall in love very quickly so my only solution is […]

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The Ultimate Cheat Sheet For Meeting the Love of Your Life

I had no furniture, I was 20 lbs overweight, no job, depleting bank account, owed the IRS, out of shape, I drank every night, I was separated but not divorced, two kids,…

I had no furniture, I was 20 lbs overweight, no job, depleting bank account, owed the IRS, out of shape, I drank every night, I was separated but not divorced, two kids, depressed and maybe suicidal, and finally, I secretly wanted to be a standup comic. I also didn’t like being alone. I am the […]

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Be Nice to Strangers

“Did the mailman have red hair?” said the man in front of me on line, implying that my  ex-wife had sex with a mailman and then she had my daughter, who has …

“Did the mailman have red hair?” said the man in front of me on line, implying that my  ex-wife had sex with a mailman and then she had my daughter, who has  bright orange hair. We were on line to get ice cream. I was with my illegitimate bastard and the guy was a total […]

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