Since they’ve been born I’ve been afraid of three things:
One, that eventually they would hate each other..
Only because many siblings do.
So I take these photos to show them all the times they’ve loved each other. That they delight in each other’s company.
Two, perhaps egotistically, that they would call each other on the phone as adults to complain about me.
They are almost to the finish line as children now. I try now to just always be honest with them.
To listen to what they want. To explain rather than argue. To let them ask questions about what sort of breed the “adult” really is and answer with the truth.
To not argue when they insist on something. Which is hard. Because who is right and who is wrong? Eventually, they will be right and I will be dead.
Three, I picture them lying awake, as I often have, scared and sad.
A sadness that seems like it goes so deep there’s no bottom in sight. I picture them trying to sleep but the buzz buzz buzz ricochets all across their scared heads.
I don’t know what I can do about it. Hopefully they will want to call me and talk to me if that ever happens.
I didn’t want kids. I thought my life could be full without them. I felt my life would ONLY be full without them.
I have two beautiful daughters and they are the loves of my life.
I spy on them talking and delight in the future they hurtle towards. A future that I, once center stage, am only a guest in.