What I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Had Children

Having children is awful.

The first night I was the father of a child I left the hospital as soon as everyone was drugged up and I played poker all night at the Mayfair Club.

Ingrid, at the front door, refused to let me in until I insisted everyone was drugged and there was nothing else I could do.

And then I learned the horrible truths. The truths that if someone had only written on a bathroom wall I would’ve definitely had a vasectomy beforehand:

A) A 1 foot tall US citizen suddenly moves into your house and you are forced to deal with it. It’s like an invading army taking over your home.

B) This 1 foot tall US citizen doesn’t speak English and yet demands you understand it 24 hours a day.

C) This new roommate you are forced to tolerate cries all the time. Deal with it.

D) This new roommate that you are basically required to love shits on the floor or shits in their pants and expects you to clean it.

E) You are expected to feed your new roommate and they have less motor control then someone with no arms and no legs.

F) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, you are required to make sure this 1 foot tall human doesn’t kill themselves by mistake. If they do, then you might go to jail.

G) You have to touch their dirty genitals when you clean them. Oh yeah, you have to clean them. A lot.

H) At night (if you are a man), they climb in bed with the love of your life and suck on their breasts. If they were a normal roommate you might kick them out of your house at that point. But now it’s against the law to do that.

I) You and your spouse have gone from being lovers to being “parents”. It’s the funnest thing in the world to be a lover. It’s so much fun that we spend almost every moment thinking and dreaming about loving. It’s not as fun to be a parent.

J) You have no idea if this 1 foot tall person will turn into someone you like or hate when they are five feet tall. It’s sort of random although you hope for the best.

I have two daughters. They are the loves of my life.

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