Save Your Marriage. Save a Life. Get a Raise.
I used to think negotiation was about being smart. Or charming. Or stubborn.
Or going full crazy.
Ask for 200% of the profits and a helicopter.
Then “compromise” with: “Fine, I’ll just take some equity.”
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Turns out, it’s mostly about shutting up.
Chris Voss—the FBI’s lead hostage negotiator—didn’t build his career on yelling louder.
He built it on something he calls tactical empathy.
And I’ve seen his methods work firsthand in my own life.
It’s so powerful, it can get you basically everything you want. But it’s so simple, you don’t have to memorize any weird tricks or phrases and feel like a slimeball.
AND… it’s universal.
It works whether you’re defusing a terrorist in Baghdad or negotiating a raise with a manager named Craig who still uses a Blackberry. (Not knocking you, Craig. I wish I still had my Blackberry.)
That’s why I had Chris on my podcast recently. (Link below.)
In the next few minutes, I’m going to show you how Chris can help you get a raise, save your marriage, or even save a life…
And in 18 words or less.
It’s not manipulation. It’s the most authentic way to live. And, if you practice it, it can turn you into a superhero.
Let me explain.
Lessons From the Suicide Hotline
Chris Voss was the FBI’s lead negotiator for 24 years. In that time, he was involved in more than 150 international hostage cases, including high-profile incidents in Iraq, Gaza, the Philippines, Colombia, and Haiti.
The first thing he told me: Tactical empathy has nothing to do with being agreeable. Nothing to do with being nice. And everything to do with basic neuroscience.
It’s about weaponized listening.
You make the other person feel heard—deeply, viscerally heard—and their brain floods with oxytocin, serotonin, and all the trust chemicals that turn enemies into collaborators.
Chris told me about his time volunteering at a suicide hotline.
Noble, right? Helping people.
Turns out, half the callers were “energy vampires”—people who didn’t want help, just attention. Others were… let’s just say OnlyFans pioneers. (You’ll have to listen to the episode to get the full story.)
The lesson he learned early on? You don’t always have to respond to these people. No sermon. No rebuttal. Just remove the stimulus. You starve the behavior, not the person.
It’s a pattern interrupt. And pattern interrupts, says Voss, are negotiation gold.
Empathy ≠ Agreement. Empathy = Intel.
Forget the candles and yoga mats. Tactical empathy is less therapy and more sonar.
You bounce statements off your counterpart and listen—really listen—to what comes back. Are they defensive? Evasive? Emotional? That tells you where the leverage is.
The goal isn’t “winning.” It’s getting information.
In one case, Voss told a Muslim witness who was skeptical of the US government: “You feel like you’ve never been heard. You’re doing this because the colonial powers crushed your people, your faith, and your future.”
Then he shut up. That pause was the power move.
The guy, previously cold, softened. And then he did what Chris wanted: He testified voluntarily in U.S. court against a known terrorist—because he felt respected by Voss.
That’s the thing.
People don’t want you to agree—they want you to get it.
Not manipulated. Not coerced. Just… heard. That’s the magic. Not persuasion. Not dominance. Just accurate articulation of someone’s pain—without adding your own opinion.
Voss breaks it down like this:
- When someone feels heard → oxytocin release
- Oxytocin → bonding
- Bonding → honesty
- Honesty → actual negotiation
You don’t get that from yelling, posturing, or saying “I understand.” You get that by making them say, “That’s right.” Not “you’re right.”
There’s a difference. One is resignation. The other is resonance.
Get a Raise. Save Your Marriage. Save a Life.
One of Voss’ favorite questions is NOT “Can I get a raise?”
It’s: “How can I be involved in projects critical to the strategic future of this company?”
Try that in your next review and watch your boss’s brain light up like Times Square. You’re no longer “just another employee.” You’re suddenly a co-conspirator in their legacy.
You don’t get paid more by asking for more. You get paid more by becoming more valuable. Ask better questions, earn bigger equity.
To save a marriage or a life, it’s the same thing. Stop arguing and name the pain they haven’t been able to say out loud.
Say these 18 words:
“You feel alone. Like nothing you do is enough. Like I see your mistakes more than your effort.”
Then shut up.
Let the silence do what your words never could: make them feel understood.
That moment of being deeply heard can be the turning point—because people don’t change when they’re told they’re wrong.
People change when they no longer need to defend their pain.
